The pro's in every con?

[MuffinChops]

I've been 50/50 on whether to go back to College or not. I really want to go back, if I don't, I won't get the qualification and i'll be even further behind to getting into the career I want. I miss the atmosphere of having a laugh with friends, and having the assignments to keep my brain in gear, and give me something to focus on. I miss the horses at College, riding was the one thing I loved at heart, even though my head filled me with deadly thoughts. I want to go back and put my all in to it, get everything finished as soon as possible so I don't get left behind. I've had a good 'practice' year so I know what the assignments entail, I did them well even with my mental illness, I would excel if I didn't have mental issues getting in the way.

An anti-anxiety medication is an absolute MUST if I am to go back to College, sitting here just thinking about it, I feel like I'm about to go for brain surgery, god knows how I'd react when the time comes. I need an anxiety medication more than I do depression medication, although both combined wouldn't go a miss to back up College. I need to focus and knuckle down, what I do now is the most important part of my life, I will bodge it up again if I am left to my own feelings and thoughts. I am very prepared for a fight, all those bad experiences and me having to withdraw early this year has made me even more determined to go back and do it again, I do not like giving in. Everyone is telling me they don't think my previous College is a good idea, they think it would be better if I started at a new College or did an apprenticeship, but I'm not prepared to settle for that, I will feel like I'm running from my problems and what I really want in life.

The only thing keeping me away from going back to College, is the anxiety over it, I don't feel I can stress how anxious I get over the simple thought of turning up, and even going equipment shopping. I just want to say, it is bad! I am also scared of having a relapse, and having to go through everything I've experienced all over again, however, I feel stronger and I don't feel suicidal thoughts will come in to the equation next time around. I certainly won't be taking the same course of action as last year, I know how to handle people now. I need to look at the pro's in every con, even though I am terrified of going back and get a sense of College being a con, there are pro's to it, a lot of them.

I need back up from some very special people on here, all of you, I am not 100%, but I am about 60% for going back, and 40% against. BUT it is my head saying no, and my heart saying yes, which would you follow?

Another thing, I have been denied medication for over 1 year due to being under 18, I am 18 this month, and hoping to start back at College this September, will I have any hope of medication before September if I batter my GP for it? I need the stabilizers to help me settle and get my head down, I don't want to be on medication forever, but as it's ruining my career and life, I feel I need it.

[wallflower_fairy]

Gosh,

You are so courageous Muffinchops. (gives admiring look) That's why I love you - well I'd love you anyway but you know what I mean. If you're determined enough to do it, to prove people wrong, to stand your ground, to settle for nothing but the best, you will, you'll do it. And remember, use the doubts of others as your drive.

A couple of nights ago I watched long lost long loved film called the Princess Diaries round my best friend's and I heard a very poignant saying: Courage, is not the absence of fear, but the presence of faith.

If you follow your heart, you are seeking fufillment. But if you follow your head, you seeking to stay safe, however, denying yourself this fufillment. On the flip side, when we seek fufillment we are ultimately taking a risk.

However, if you go through life without taking risks, you actually risk everything.

With the right networks put in place, you can weigh it out so that the pros go almost entirely in your favour - it's a calculated risk one that is more than worth taking.

But in order for this to work, you need medication. If you were a diabetic, you'd be given insulin. Therefore, if you have depression, you SHOULD be given antidepressants. And you are going to be 18 very soon, they will have NO excuse for denying it of you. It gives you your best chance of recovering before going back and giving this another go, this time, with the advantage of being through part of the course once already.

So go for it. You go in there. You put your solid Muffin Armor on, and, you walk straight in and there and you DEMAND they give you proper medication. Show them your killer instinct! I's your RIGHT!

Medication (or lack thereof), was the ONLY reason that you didn't get progress with treatment in the first place, you have tried everything else with your eyes open and - it didn't work. It's as simple as that. Therefore, you try something else. You, change tact, if you will. What, my dear Muffinchops, is the shame in that?

Why, there is no shame! For if you were diabetic, you would feel no shame at being given insulin.

((((HUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!))))

Fairy Flip Flop...

xxxxxx

[hamble99b in reply to wallflower_fairy]

I cannot improve on Fairy Flip Flop's advice.

When I read your blog, I'm reading a mature young woman's, well presented, well balanced blog.

You are not the person you were, you've come through a difficult year [and had no meds to help] - I'm proud of you and hope you are too.

you've learned coping strategies, some you might not even be aware of, and these will carry you through next time.

whatever you decide to do, you have our support.

sandra.

[wallflower_fairy in reply to hamble99b]

Hi Sandra,

Thankyou.

She does sound very mature doesn't she - she's definitely an old soul, a couragous young person who is wise beyound her years, a beautiful old head on top of youthful shoulders. She's definitely grown throughout this difficult time, I have seen the change in her so much, and she's...well she's inspired me really. She's really helped me to cope throughout a difficult period in my life.

Changing topic a bit, Sandra I made a really embaressing error. There's someone called boygrog on the site and I thought he was grog (who left and was taken ill), I have replied to one his comments saying how happy I was to see him back and in a good mood before realising it can't have been him, now I feel really embaressed and stupid. I'm worried I may have hurt his feelings. I know it sounds incredibly stupid but..I just need to let some of this. I'm probably being totally, irrational. Usually I think long and hard before I speak but I've had more a justdoit attitude recently. It's a simple mistake to make though. The names are so similar. Hopefully no on will judge me for being so foolish. It happens to the best of us.

[hamble99b in reply to wallflower_fairy]

oh I've done that many times and spelled people's name wrong. You were just pleased grog might be well.

I think I could write your first paragraph in total about both you and muffin.

sandra.

[MuffinChops in reply to wallflower_fairy]

You're so flip flopping inspirational! You really know how to get the cogs turning and have my ambitious thoughts bouncing off the walls. I completely agree with everything you've said, your 100% right, as always! The courage comment is fantastic, I will be using that one! I'm a determined perfectionist, I kind of thank anxiety as it's the anxiety of failing that gives me that extra push. The adrenaline over College is somewhat exciting, but terrifying at the same time, I feel that every day, it's a bit of a battle. The doubts of others is giving me more and more drive, I want people to believe in me, put the past behind, and move forward, and then look at me when I'm in my ultimate career and think of me as a superhero somewhat. (LAUGHS SO LOUD) Hahaa! I bet as soon as I turn up at that College everyone is going to think 'here we go again...' I BET you! But I'll show em, I'll wipe the floor with the assignment papers! I only went for pass last time, but I'm more than capable of distinction, they aren't as hard as they seem now I know what they are. Looking through old assignments and reading feedback, that just gives me more of a chance to get it right first time, it's not cheating, it's using my intuitive.

((((((HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS))))))) < Mine's bigger than yours!

xxxxxx

[wallflower_fairy]

P.S.

Oh I think Grog is back!!! GROG MIGHT BE BACK!!! YES YES YES!

Unless... I am confusing him with someone who has a very similar name. In which case I have royally embaressed myself having replied to boygrog's comment with, Grog is that you? We've MISSED YOU!!!

Although I did give myself a limitation clause by saying that I was sorry if boygrog wasn't who I thought he was...

[wallflower_fairy]

Ok I have checked boygrog's recent activity and it goes back to May. So it can't be Grog! (Blushes). Oh no!

Can you really blame me for getting confused between the names?

I suppose.

I guess I wanted to be one of first to see him back.

Feel pretty stupid now though. grogboy, boygrog, the two words had been switched over. Surely almost anyone would make that assumption.

Anyway, you go in there and show them what you're made of.

I've apologised to boygrog for any confusion.

[wallflower_fairy]

I suppose not I mean they've only been switched over. It made sense for it to be grog.

The comments were the type of thing he would say. Having a laugh with someone called Rob on the blog post 'people just don't care'. Arrgh!

WHERE IS GROG THOUGH! I WISH HE WOULD COME BACK!

[donaf]

Muffin, uve come along way from where u was to the way u r now u know wat u want in life so go for it. I think with medication u won't feel so anxious about it all. Uve came along way without it but it takes that edge off. Wen u c the doctor don't let him brush up off, u will be 18 and if u need medication u need it. U really really very mature for ur age, I wished wen I was ur age I had finished my college course. I'm now 31 and even though I wanted to go back I neva did. Wishing u look xxx

[hamble99b in reply to donaf]

I agree donaf.

regards,

sandra.

donaf never say ever, I went aged 33 and my friends mum was 54

[Tenley]

I think it's a resounding YES to going back to college

From experience of having severe depression throughout my university days - I have to say that uni made it better. It gave me a reason to get myself out of bed, to push my comfort zones.

Don't ever feel that your anxiety/depression will hold you back - have the courage of conviction to press forward. I think you've made a great decision in thinking about college again.

Yes, university was a challenge. But a worthwhile one.

I ended up graduating the degree top of my class; and have been doing dentistry & surgery ever since. I love my career, and although stressful at times, I have no regrets

[Twisty]

The uni I go to provides support for anyone with issues, maybe your college will do the same? Then you would have somewhere to go if you felt you were sliding into what happened before. Maybe look into that to give yourself reassurance?

You can do it x

[Tenley]

Twisty is right.

All universities have a student guild and a counsellor who generally helps out - it's always a big transition going from either highschool into uni; or work and back into uni.

If you truly feel you can't handle something; you can always book in to see the counsellor; talk to the head/dean of your course and get 'special consideration' in terms of getting marked etc.

I think it's wonderful you're taking this step xxx