I've been 50/50 on whether to go back to College or not. I really want to go back, if I don't, I won't get the qualification and i'll be even further behind to getting into the career I want. I miss the atmosphere of having a laugh with friends, and having the assignments to keep my brain in gear, and give me something to focus on. I miss the horses at College, riding was the one thing I loved at heart, even though my head filled me with deadly thoughts. I want to go back and put my all in to it, get everything finished as soon as possible so I don't get left behind. I've had a good 'practice' year so I know what the assignments entail, I did them well even with my mental illness, I would excel if I didn't have mental issues getting in the way.
An anti-anxiety medication is an absolute MUST if I am to go back to College, sitting here just thinking about it, I feel like I'm about to go for brain surgery, god knows how I'd react when the time comes. I need an anxiety medication more than I do depression medication, although both combined wouldn't go a miss to back up College. I need to focus and knuckle down, what I do now is the most important part of my life, I will bodge it up again if I am left to my own feelings and thoughts. I am very prepared for a fight, all those bad experiences and me having to withdraw early this year has made me even more determined to go back and do it again, I do not like giving in. Everyone is telling me they don't think my previous College is a good idea, they think it would be better if I started at a new College or did an apprenticeship, but I'm not prepared to settle for that, I will feel like I'm running from my problems and what I really want in life.
The only thing keeping me away from going back to College, is the anxiety over it, I don't feel I can stress how anxious I get over the simple thought of turning up, and even going equipment shopping. I just want to say, it is bad! I am also scared of having a relapse, and having to go through everything I've experienced all over again, however, I feel stronger and I don't feel suicidal thoughts will come in to the equation next time around. I certainly won't be taking the same course of action as last year, I know how to handle people now. I need to look at the pro's in every con, even though I am terrified of going back and get a sense of College being a con, there are pro's to it, a lot of them.
I need back up from some very special people on here, all of you, I am not 100%, but I am about 60% for going back, and 40% against. BUT it is my head saying no, and my heart saying yes, which would you follow?
Another thing, I have been denied medication for over 1 year due to being under 18, I am 18 this month, and hoping to start back at College this September, will I have any hope of medication before September if I batter my GP for it? I need the stabilizers to help me settle and get my head down, I don't want to be on medication forever, but as it's ruining my career and life, I feel I need it.