I've had my OH here for the past 3 days, and it has been torture for me to have no privacy and share a bed. I hate feeling crowded and not having my own space to chill out, especially with a sometimes moody OH. It has its perks though, he does help me out a lot, and does the small things like roll me a cigarette, look after the dog and make me a cup of tea, it's those small things that make me happier. He's gone home now and I feel really deflated, depressed, like I have been for about 8 months now. Me and the OH took my pooch on a 3 mile walk, for about 1 hour and 30 minutes, it's safe to say my legs won't work tomorrow! I felt happier as my pooch got the exercise he really needed, and I could take the opportunity to burn calories. I have been bad and eaten ice cream just now, Ben and Jerry's cookies and cream, how could I resist? :/ I feel like I want to shove my fingers down my throat now though, I feel really sick and uncomfortable, as well as depressed that I've eaten.
I'm at CAMHS on Wednesday, I haven't been for a good 5 weeks now, it's going to be a long and depressing catch up. I'm sick of feeling depressed and anxious all the time, nothing seems to perk my mood, I've tried! Minor problems are bashing my brain every time, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. My GP gave me the codeine lecture the other day, she wants me to quit cold turkey, I couldn't even last 24 hours without sweating profusely and feeling deathly ill without taking a dose. It's going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be... Anxiety has caused countless issues for me, it is seriously wrecking my life, when are professionals going to get off their back sides and help me seriously? The way I am getting it is: they are hoping it's just a phase and a little bit of CBT will sort it out - I DON'T THINK SO! Because of the stupid NHS cuts people like us are suffering, without adequate help. With severe mental illnesses running in my family, (seems to be getting worse down the line) you would think they would diagnose and treat me as soon as possible.
I am getting sick and tired of doing the same thing every CBT session, they don't have a clue what they are doing, seem to be oblivious to the fact it's not helping me at all! I have tried kicking them myself, but they just raise an eyebrow and tell me therapy is better than medication, how the hell am I going to actively take part in therapy, when my brain doesn't work properly? It has been 8 months now, and nothing about my mindset has changed, yet the problems that caused me to become mentally ill, have gone, they can not blame circumstances for the way I am feeling, I am sick of the same excuses every time! I think it's about time I told them what I think about the work we are doing, and what I want from them, not them telling me what they want, just because it's going to cost them to give me medication!
Muffins on a rant... but who agrees? I'm going to crack soon