Chill time, at last!

[MuffinChops]

I've had my OH here for the past 3 days, and it has been torture for me to have no privacy and share a bed. I hate feeling crowded and not having my own space to chill out, especially with a sometimes moody OH. It has its perks though, he does help me out a lot, and does the small things like roll me a cigarette, look after the dog and make me a cup of tea, it's those small things that make me happier. He's gone home now and I feel really deflated, depressed, like I have been for about 8 months now. Me and the OH took my pooch on a 3 mile walk, for about 1 hour and 30 minutes, it's safe to say my legs won't work tomorrow! I felt happier as my pooch got the exercise he really needed, and I could take the opportunity to burn calories. I have been bad and eaten ice cream just now, Ben and Jerry's cookies and cream, how could I resist? :/ I feel like I want to shove my fingers down my throat now though, I feel really sick and uncomfortable, as well as depressed that I've eaten.

I'm at CAMHS on Wednesday, I haven't been for a good 5 weeks now, it's going to be a long and depressing catch up. I'm sick of feeling depressed and anxious all the time, nothing seems to perk my mood, I've tried! Minor problems are bashing my brain every time, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. My GP gave me the codeine lecture the other day, she wants me to quit cold turkey, I couldn't even last 24 hours without sweating profusely and feeling deathly ill without taking a dose. It's going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be... Anxiety has caused countless issues for me, it is seriously wrecking my life, when are professionals going to get off their back sides and help me seriously? The way I am getting it is: they are hoping it's just a phase and a little bit of CBT will sort it out - I DON'T THINK SO! Because of the stupid NHS cuts people like us are suffering, without adequate help. With severe mental illnesses running in my family, (seems to be getting worse down the line) you would think they would diagnose and treat me as soon as possible.

I am getting sick and tired of doing the same thing every CBT session, they don't have a clue what they are doing, seem to be oblivious to the fact it's not helping me at all! I have tried kicking them myself, but they just raise an eyebrow and tell me therapy is better than medication, how the hell am I going to actively take part in therapy, when my brain doesn't work properly? It has been 8 months now, and nothing about my mindset has changed, yet the problems that caused me to become mentally ill, have gone, they can not blame circumstances for the way I am feeling, I am sick of the same excuses every time! I think it's about time I told them what I think about the work we are doing, and what I want from them, not them telling me what they want, just because it's going to cost them to give me medication!

Muffins on a rant... but who agrees? I'm going to crack soon

[laineyc13]

i agree 100%,the power is within u hunni,if u put trust in yourself to get out of this hell then u will,things usually get worse before they get better but have faith and keep believing u will b a much stronger person!!!!

[wallflower_fairy]

Hi Muffiny, Muffiny, Chopsey, Scraggas. (Did you get my email!? )

Well I have to say I feel in a pretty random mood today. Regarding your post ice cream indigestion, I had that once, have you tried taking Gavisc... ok sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have put that. Not in the best of the taste. But I was wondering when a suitable amount of time had passed for me to say something along those lines because it's been in my head for ages! It's like a nervous tick, a similar sort of feeling you get when you wanna laugh in totally inappropiate situations. I know it was really strange and unsettling at the time when those poor innocent users gave you their misplaced help and had you really shaken up, but I was hoping that eventually, there would be a time we could laugh about it? It's like the time I went to sit on the chair, but it wasn't there and so I ended up sitting on my bum instead, not funny at the time, but totally funny now...well it's a different scenario, but the principle is the same right? Please, please, please forgive me.

Anyway, in all serious though, I think it's great that you have eaten something, it gives an indication that the issue hasn't become over prominent and you're still in some control. Please don't make yourself sick hun seriously, it's not a pleasurable experience and isn't good for you at all, is it really worth doing that just to stop the 'over full feeling'? I know this feeling from when I have over eaten before, and have very vaguely comtemplating being sick (once I even stood over the lavotary and gargled on some what to see if that would do it, but nothing doing it, and I bottled it in the end, it just didn't seem worth the trouble), but wait a while and the feeling does pass, but the being sick doesn't: because it only reinforces an unhealthy pattern of behaviour.

As with your codeine issue, I'm wondering if it would be worth coming off it slowly...you could contact your GP and ask about putting some graded programme in place? Also, to make the effects easier, make sure you take plently of vitamins - I think in particular the B, C, and E (I think?) vitamins are important because their have influence on the firing of neurones, nerve endings etc. You can get them in capsules or supplements if you have difficulty try to get them via food. I don't know a great deal about nutrition TBH so wouldn't know for certain which foods have which vitamin.

The medication? I am completely baffled by this. It's stange - infact usually it's the other way round, the MH team would usually be the first to administer it, rather than deny it. Don't let it go, take a deep breath, look them in the eye, and tell them how essential you think it is. Tell them you've really given the initial treatment you're all and tried to get yourself as engaged as possible, but you're not still able to gain control of your feelings, which it's obviously more severe than issues with behaviour and thinking patterns. Also, make sure they are aware of the psychosis you experienced earlier in the year.

Last of all, I'm really that, for the most part, you shared some good times with your OH, he sounds totally sweet and caring - if I ever had a boyfriend like that, I would be very happy. I'm wondering, would you consider confiding in him more? I reckon he would be willing to accompany you to the doctors you know, if were continuing to not have much luck with CAMHS and, more recently, the psychotherapy sessions. Infact it would probably be good for your relationship and bring you closer together. Just think about that's all. It was something I was going to bring up in my email but when I remembered it was too late. I'm glad you had a good time walking the dog. I won't insult you by saying that 'that's all you need! Just a brisk walk in the fresh air! like the good ol' days, and that'll have yeh right as rain!' but it does help. A wise man once said (to me and my family when we were on the Isle of Wight), you never regret going for a walk. And he's right - whenever I go for walks, no matter how much I force myself to go, it's not something I ever regret when I get back home. I always feel better afterwards.

Take care and I want at least 1 positive on your next bulletin! (You used to make a habit of it!)

~~~~~~~~HUGS~~~~~~~~

wanderingwallflower

P.S. I apologise profusely for any errors I may have made. Hope it all makes sense. xx

[MuffinChops in reply to wallflower_fairy]

Fairy Flip Flop, are you taking the mick out of my muffinchops? Yes I do find the past incident hilarious now, I did about 3 days after it happened hahaaha! I can't take gaviscon as I'm having constipation problems and on laxatives, so I can't take any indigestion treatment... I so love the taste of gaviscon though, mmm aniseed!

I am taking the coming off them slowly route, trying to have around 4 tablets per day, normally I'd be on 8 per day.The cold turkey method sent my body into turmoil lol!

I've been eating like a pig in the last few days, takeaways every night, it has been horrible and so depressing for me. OH was paid the other day so has been 'treating' me, something I used to enjoy until the not eating thing started, now it's an utter nightmare as I only eat to not look like I'm trying not to eat lol. My OH has gone now, so I won't eat whilst I have the privacy to be lethargic haha. I feel terribly sick from the amount of food I've eaten, tempted to take a laxative instead of voming it all up. I feel dehydrated as I haven't had any water today, dry mouth much! So I'm off to get about 10 glasses of water in a minute haha.

Trying to eat lots of fiber (weetabix brekkie then fruit and veggies throughout the day) that's all I eat, with in-between fasting for around 3 days per time. When I start to fast, the longer I go without food, the harder it is to eat again afterwards. My appetite is 0 at the minute, I feel happier without food. I went 9 days before eating like a pig 3 days ago, I've piled on weight again, I didn't help myself with those fat takeaways though!

Constipation is due to me not eating and taking codeine, I can take strong painkillers on an empty stomach no issues (it makes normal people feel sick and have stomach cramps) I've become immune I think! Just feel stressed out at the minute, not sure how to handle it:/

(((((((HUGGLES))))))

XXXXX

[wallflower_fairy]

My typing mistakes:

1.) Tell them you've really given the initial treatment YOUR all and tried to get yourself as engaged as possible, but you're not still able to gain control of your feelings, which SUGGESTS it's obviously more severe than issues with behaviour and thinking patterns.

2.) Last of all, I'm really GLAD that, for the most part, you shared some good times with your OH...

Clear? If not, ask anything and I will do my best to explain.

I will continue to correct any mistakes that may hinder you in taking the information in clearly, in this way. xx