I suffer with unwanted nasty thoughts which I have no clue as to why I think them. I suffer from a cocktail of issues including depression, paranoia, panic, anxiety & OCD to name a few. I have even believed that family and friends are recording me (to which I have hunted high & low to find camera in my home) when things have been really bad I have been confinced that they are bullying me via the tv or hiding in another room controlling what is said on the tv. To which I have also looked for people hiding, my anxiety has me being in such fear that i spend time sitting in silence (alone or if people are with me), il be shaking & confinced that people are out to get me & break in my home to hurt me) when I'm in my home I don't want to be here & when I'm out I'm to scared to go back alone incase there's someone in my home waiting for me.
I don't really go out because I basically fear everything/one the same as when I'm in. I sweat to the point that my clothes become wet & i panic even if with people who love me. I have been a nervous/scared person all of my life.
My hands are that sore all of the time from where I peck/bite them (hands are scabby n open wounds all the time), I hate it but can't stop. I have for about 6months been self harming on my arms & legs to - I don't know why I do it because I am so self conscious of my body & recently cut to deep, requiring hospital care. My weight has never been under control weather it be me weighing as little as 9.5st (im 5"11) or as heavy as I am now (prob double that)!! This is my first ever post of anything like this, I really hope that somebody will reply. Hope I have not been to detailed but - guess I'm hoping that somebody here can relate to me. ??
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lanzi82
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Please see below, didn't notice this bit for replyin
Hi and welcome to the site.
Congratulations on writing your first question and please do not worry,
There is a great deal of experience here amid all kinds of anxiety,depression and other related illnesses.
And no one will judge what you say...we all try to help each other.
I am pretty sure I know your symptoms only too well.
I am no doctor and am not going to attempt to make a diagnosis.
You have made the first important step by recognising that you need help so I strongly suggest that you visit your doctor and describe your symptoms exactly as you have here.
Well done on your first post, scary I know but you've done it now.
You haven't stated if you have been to docs or not but I would like to say I have recently been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and the worst thing was getting myself to the docs. Once I was there i was panicking sweating shaking etc...
I sat in with the doc as soon as I started to explain she was so understanding and had even been through it herself. She listened to everything I had to say and talked me through all the options.
I am not saying one trip to the docs will cure all, however you have already made a big step by posting on here so you are in the right direction.
Please see a doc. Don't suffer alone. You're on the right road, make the step and get this sorted.
Yes I have seen many gp's over the years & I am currently on 200g of sertraline & 7.5 zopiclone (which I have been taking for 12month or so (after a second suiside attemp). The sert helps with my depression & bad thorts as does the zoiclone because it sends me sleep for more than a hr or 2 norm of broken sleep & night terrors if I even sleep at all. I have also seen many councorls, psychiatrists, etc (the last pushin me over the edge to the second overdose). I believe I had only seen him 3/4 times & was ment to be doing cbt... He wanted me to do home work & write my thorts & feeling & so on but I would clam up when there & not speak never mind stuff at home.
it's a chore to even get dressed 2 or 3 times a wk never mind each day. I was havin members of the crisis team visiting my home at first which was ok, but then I was required to have treatment at the hospital - many times I would not make it because I found it so distressing, the same reason I have not been goin to self harm meetings etc...
I don't know what's wrong with me because I make plans with myself to go & get the help but I freeze & just can't do it! ??
Even tho I have the support of my family willing to take me, I feel trapped within my own mind as I just don't know how I'm going to be from one day to the next ( I'm manic one day & almost charged up, then I can switch and be out of it & not realise I've hibonated for ex mount of time - it's a prison within its own rites living life like this, if you know what I mean? I have currently only been back home a couple of wks after havin to stay with family following the serious self harm incident bk in jan or feb.
I fear telling my gp all of this because I am afraid they may section me.
It's clear that I am such a weak person because even though I see the worry I cause people, I can't help thinkin that it would be better for all if I wasn't being a burden on them...
I been like this so long I'm not sure if I can (or have ever) been able tide a 'norm' life, if that exists.
Sorry for the encyclapidia vol 1 of lanzi. Lol.
Guess reading other people's stuff on here, has inspired me, & let's face it iv tried most other options available to me, & this was kinda fate as I merely stumbled across this site.
Thank you 4taking the time to read & reply 2 me. I'm shocked how many good souls are on here. ?? X
Oh that so nice to hear that I'm not alone with the cameras (obviously my heart goes to you because there is nothing worse than not even being able to switch off & relax in you own home, even tho every where you think they are, then ain't, it doesn't stop the urges to kept checking over & over does it)..,
Would you be happy to tell me a little more about ur experiences, how it started, and any coping strategies that you use.
Yes I have been to the gp many times & I guess it's time to go back yet again as iv not slept a wink since a few hrs on the sofa on fri, even tho I'm exhausted.
Well done, it must have taken a lot of courage to ask your first question - congratulations!
I don't know if this would be any help - i don't even know if you could get yourself there! - but just wondered - it's a charity in London - it's aimed at people who are suicidal, altough I don't think you have to be actually about to cut your wrists for them to help. They offer short - 4 days, I think - accommodation, support, people to talk to - and, I'm quite sure, referrals/pathways to getting more help. PLEASE don't dismiss it before looking at it - it looks so lovely and peaceful, just a short time away from you normal life/environment, with supportive people around - might just help you turn things around? It's NOT a hospital, and they do say that, being a charity, they have a good deal of freedom to decide who they will take. Even if they can't take you - or you don't want to go in the end - they might have some more ideas to help you?
Like I say, don't know if it would suit your needs at the moment, but just something to think about. And yes, do go back to your doctor, hun, I think they're very unlikely to section you, they don't have the beds these days!
Hi rose & thanks a lot for ur kind words & response. I will certainly take a look but I live in Staffordshire & just the idea of traveling that kind of distance is makin my heart race & my breathing tight (ridiculous), hey?! But I will take a look at the site. May I ask if you have been there?
You see I don't really do anything alone & although I drive the motorways have me in a complete melt down. Silly what I pay on this n that for my car because the most I drive is prob 5miles, but without it I really wouldn't leave the house...
Your probably rite aswell about the beds lol but they have talked about it previously & I think the only reason I wasn't took is is because family are able to babysit me if you like (how sad at 31)!! X
It's okay, hun, it's just an idea, and I do understand, just maybe something to think about - maybe not even now but keep it in reserve for if/when you think it might help?
No, I've never been there, though tbh it looks so peaceful and calm I've thought of pretending to be suicidal to get a "holiday" there lol!
You take care, hun, lots of help and lovely people on here.
I took a look at the site & it does seems like a great place for people but I think that other people would be able to gain more from it than myself, ie the people who don't have the support & care from family.
Did you manage to get yourself some sleep in the end?Xx
I read ur blog thingy and was amazed, you have seen so many people for help and you still feel as you do, I am sorry, there was 1 thing that has stuck in my mind from ur messages, you say 'that someone else would benefit more from this', so do you think that others are more important than you? I have done this all my life, always always put people before me, I now see it as, I am not selfish but I do need help, so that I can enjoy my life, be happy within my self, if I get help now then there is a good chance recovery wont be as long as if I leave it longer and longer, that way, someone else wont have that long to wait for help, oh god, im no good at explaining myself, I hope you understand wot im saying lol
Another question to you is, that message was 24 jun, nothing since, I was just wondering how you were doing, are you ok?
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Ok so I'm now sat in a lovely hotel having latte and free wifi it would be rude not to blog.....
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