On verge of knocking back interview

[Millymac]

I've not worked for 2 years since quitting through bullying. I constantly beat myself up about walking away, being weak etc etc etc. I feel even more anxious now that I've been unemployed for so Long. i feel embarrassed, that I've no focus in life and that I'm useless. I've tried for loads of jobs but when I've been offered a couple, I've refused them down to my own insecurities I.e not being able to presentations in front of other staff, hours not being convenient etc etc. then the vicious circle goes on with me hating myself even more for being so useless. I've been asked to attend an interview next week and I'm talking myself out of going to it big style. My nerves are totally shot to pieces. I'm always sad and never smile. Im also on antidepressants for 2 years. Please can someone offer advice?

[Hidden]

I can relate to what youre saying and it is a vicious cycle.............. have you thought about maybe doing some voluntary work, that way there is no pressure, and maybe you would get some confidence back and then feel better equipped to take the next step with paid employment??

Im not sure this will help, but I think if youre like me, its a confidence thing.......

You'll get there , just dont be too hard on yourself!!

Ker x

[Hidden]

Hi Milly,

Have you been offered therapy by your doctor, as talking it over with someone that understands you maybe a step in the right direction.

wishing you well

Bxxx

[Hidden]

Hi Millymac I can totally understand what you are saying because I am in the same position.

I was dismissed through sickness (anxiety, stress and depression) at my last job and haven't worked for 3 and a half years now. I am on Jobseekers Allowance and can't find a job. I live in a seaside place where there is little work except physical work ie cleaning, caring etc. Because of health problems I can't do those and need admin work which I have always done. I can't work full time either and there are very few opportunities where I live.

Its very easy to feel 'useless' and alienated from people especially because we have such a bad press and the media tries to make us feel guilty. We get thought of and called 'scroungers' etc.

The main thing to understand that you are not useless. You are doing your best to find work and its NOT your fault if it isn't suitable for you. It would help to find some focus. Because work plays such a big part of life it has a built in structure. When you don't have that structure you have to create your own. Its hard but its necessary.

I take my sisters dog out everyday and also visit my mum in her home. I have quite a good social life and go out playing darts. That is my structure. You need to find your own and try and keep yourself busy. I know its a cliche but why don't you do some voluntary work? There is lots around and it would get you out and about in the world again. I find the longer out of work the more scary the idea of working again is. Its the fear that is holding you back love. This is what you need to tackle.

Thats not to say I don't sometimes feel bad about myself for being out of work - I do. But keeping busy definately helps.

Go to that interview!!

Bev xx

[janipan50]

I am thinking of applying for a 20hr job which would be good for me also Im confident I can do, but here comes the but even typing this now I can feel a hot rash starting on my neck why do we keep knocking ourselves back I am determined to push myself to apply GO for the interview look in the mirrow tell myself I can do it I will do it and by golly I will, so go on my friend you are not on your own as I feel the same way and thinking of ways to change my mind which is very easy to do but at the end of it I will be very sad so SAD i will not be. thinking of you my friend jan x x

[Millymac]

Thank you all so much for your kind, positive thoughts. I have a dog so he makes me get out for plenty of walks. I also jog, never ever thought I'd be able to but I truly believe it helps me keep going, just try and do it in very quiet places. I went for counselling twice, once for my childhood problems then for bullying at work but I guess my minds just too powerful for anyone else to get through the catastrophising, self hatred, procrastinating, etc etc. AAARGGHH!! I've started volunteering which I'm finding quite difficult being around others but I'm persevering, why small talk is so difficult for me I don't know :-(. I'm not too bad with one person but more than that & I just freeze, stutter & go red. I always always feel that others are thinking 'what an idiot she is' 'she can't speak without making a fool of herself' etc etc. I CONSTANTLY beat myself up about everything. I had an unhappy childhood after my Gran died who loved & looked after me. All downhill from there. The phobia about speaking, I'm sure happened in 1st year, my English teacher was so impressed with my essay he asked me to stand up and read it. I still feel the stuttering, blushing, shaking and TOTAL embarrassment I felt that day. I still remember the laughing from other pupils and pity in my teachers eyes. Hideous!! I'd rather do ANYTHING than be the centre of attention. So sorry for rambling on & thank you all again xx

[ebrownbingo]

Hi Millymac,

I too was bullied out of the workplace, the bullying took place over two years and I knew it was happening but was powerless to do anything about it. The others in the office didn't stand up for me as they were all afraid of their jobs and I can understand that. Eventually I went off sick with depression and never went back.

I was asked to go for interviews during the initial phase of my meltdown which was ludicrous - mentally II was in no position to attend an interview so I understand how you feel.

Eventually I searched the web for "virtual assistants" and found employment which has carried on ever since working from home. That's an option, through this I've got back my confidence. However, despite this my doctor thinks I may be suffering from Post Traumatic Disorder. I had my first appointment with the counsellor last week but she advised me I need to see someone else with more experience in treating PTD so I am waiting for another appointment. I don't know whether it will work or not but we'll see. I'll keep you posted but in the meantime I'll be thinking of you. Maybe you could do the same as I did and trawl the net for work at home? And also seek therapy through your doctor - good luck hon, hugs xxx

[Hidden]

That sounds good. What is a 'virtual assistant'. I need a job.

I have been bullied several times at different jobs over the years. I am still trying to find what it is in me which makes me seem like a target. Anyone got any ideas please?

Bev x

[Hidden]

Millymac

You are not weak because you walked away from bullies, i dont not what your circumstances were but I know that bullies often do what they do because they themselves suffer from major insecurities in their life. Unlike other people, bullies have learned that by being cruel acts as a great disguise for their own shortcomings and boy are their shortcomings heavy. In fact the worse the bully the bigger their problem. They behave the way they do because they live in fear of being exposed for their insecurities, this actually shows a massive weakness in their inability to deal with their problems, they are actually to be pitied rather than feared as they show the biggest signs of weakness by behaving the way they do, when people have stood up to bullys the bully tends to show more symptoms of fear and often withdraws from the situation from fear of having their weaknesses exposed. So I wouldnt worry about walking away from them. Those who live in steel armour never know how beautiful it is to be touched.

You are lucky in the sense that you are trying to face yours and deal with them, I know it sounds like an old cliche but you have more strength than the people who bully you. Strength is what is needed in order to tackle our weaknesses. We all have weaknesses in certain areas of our lives and strengths in other areas and believe it or not people who suffer with anxiety and depression disorders have actually been found to be very resilient people mentally, resilience is a sign of strength and when guided in the right direction toward understanding ourselves whether through therapy or self awareness, people have been able to go on to achieve wonderful and amazing things with their lives.

There is a common misconception that people who suffer from certain mental or emotional disorders are generally considered by society as weak...... Well this shows a great deal of misunderstanding and ignorance towards mental illness by our society and the more that is being understood about mental illness the more it is being realised that a higher percentage of the population are verging on mental illness due to unreasonable demands being met upon them by the very structure of society and the fabric of our culture. I am saying this because it sounds like to me you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself about being able to perform well in front of other people,...... Relax..... Your skill lies in your ability to be able to do a job, if you know you have a skill then do not doubt yourself, Im sure you dont doubt that you know how to make a cup of tea, remember people are not always as harsh as we may imagine them to be. We can sometimes be our own worse enemy by being to harsh on ourselves.

My advice would be go to the interview, you have nothing to lose but everything to gain so pluck up the courage to go. If you are in the south east of England and would like someone to go with you for a bit of dutch courage then I would be more than happy to extend my friendship for you and give you some moral support. Message me back. But my advice would be, give yourself the benfit of the doubt and go.

Regards

Dimitri

[Millymac in reply to Hidden]

Dimitri, I'm probably about as far away from South-East England as its possible to be but thank you so o much for ypur kind words & ofeer

[Millymac]

Thank you all of you for your encouraging replies. I'm going to keep re-reading them and try, try try to hold myself together to get through this interview. I'm so angry with myself that although applying for jobs, my lack of confidence and self-esteem makes me actually feel sick at the prospect of an interview. What on Earth would I do if I actually got offered the job. Self-sabotage - that's my mentor