I've had a month off work (normal vacation, not sick leave) and during that time worked very very hard to improve myself. I have felt sick for years and instead of worrying about my health I started running, I can now run for 2+ miles/25 min (used Couch25k). I have done yoga for 17 days and it has reshaped me and made me stronger. I have meditated for 17 days. I have worked through "Mind over Mood" and learned how to write thought records and deal with my automatic thoughts. I drink enough water. I go for a walk alone every day (16 days now) to combat agoraphobia, and I have been on several longer days out to "scary places" without a safe person. I no longer procrastinate (I have my own business from home as a graphic designer which I have been doing as usual while off my 9-5er job. My house is more organized, I feel like a responsible adult. I even climbed a mountain while I was on break and did not die.
I went back to work for a day yesterday and it was EXACTLY the same as it used to be before I had improved any of the things mentioned above. It started great (not a stressful day at all and just one other person around). I was able to function for a couple of hours. Then I took a break, did yoga, meditation, walked around and then I just spiralled down: felt undefinably "odd", needed to raise my feet (feel faint etc.), breathing became weirder, brain fog, trouble speaking.
Its weird though because when I first started with anxiety 10 years ago it was always a racing heart/panic type situation. but I have no issues with heart rate for the last 2 years. and during my episode yesterday HR was 60-70 range.
I ended up feeling very sick and extremely exhausted and it did not stop when I got home. I feel a lot of pain in my body (not normal for me), and as a result of all this feel dread and depression. Today I have no strength for any of my usual new routine of the running/yoga etc.
In seeing a doctor throughout all this I have never received any answers. 2 years ago I was pretty much bed bound, but it seems that stress and people are real issues for me whereas it used to be activity that made me feel awful. I finally told my doctor I thought I had low blood pressure. and what do you know, I did. I love how this is discovered NOW...the simplest of tests. He said "Well, you'll live forever but you'll feel like sh*t". Thanks Doc.
I don't think all the work I did on myself was a waste, but I am disappointed that if anything I am now worse at work than I used to be. I don't even think it's the job, especially right now becasue it it a very very chill time of year (I work at a university, no students right now). It's more like just sitting at a desk messes me up (but getting up to exercise didn't help so...whatever). Or maybe I just have so much terror and PTSD about my workplace becasue of all the awful attacks I have that leave me stuck and unable to get home (long drive to a different town).
August 12 with be 10 years of having my life ruined. I had surgery that day for internal bleeding and I have never been calm or okay since, I developed panic attacks within a few months and have been miserable for ten years despite trying so many different things. I can't face it any more. Not working is not an option for me.
I am not even sure why I am posting.