So sad :(*

I am hoping it helps to write things down so here goes...

Basically I am 32 and have been desperately unhappy in my marriage for quite a few years now and the situation is just getting worse. I got married at 24, had my first child at 26, had my second child at 29.

Since the kids, things have gradually gone downhill. I am basically (as I see it) silly not required by my husband any more; he has his children. We never go out as a couple, we never spend time with each other in general, in fact it's got to the point where I am sleeping on the floor in the spare room just to avoid him. We stopped having any sort of physical relationship years ago (although I would say this has always been lacking) but I cannot bear him even trying to cuddle me now. I have suffered from insomnia for about the past two years and on average I would say I'm getting 4-5 hours sleep a night, sometimes less.

The main issue I have is that he is very controlling. Just one example of this is that after our second child I said I didn't want to completely rule out the possibility of another (I was just 29 at the time). But husband had made up his mind; no more children. Ever.

The latest issue involves a puppy. I spend most evenings on my own and my husband no longer talks to me. I asked if it was possible I could have a dog for company/to take on long walks etc (entirely my responsibility). The kids were also very keen on the idea. You can guess what he said. No compromise of course.

I had a breakdown last summer and went for counseling as a result. Marriage counseling was suggested but you can guess the reply on his behalf.

I have spoken to him about divorce but he will not discuss. When I asked him why he woldn't want to separate the answer was simply 'cost.' I have seen lawyers but the reality is now that I simply cannot afford to divorce him. There is no Legal Aid any more and I only work on a very part-time basis, the rest of the time spent looking after the children. He also threatens constantly that if I ever went down that route he would make sure I 'wouldn't have custody of the children.'

I can't see a way out of this mess and I blame myself for getting into it in the first place. I don't really have any friends although I am close to my mum. She has previously been supportive but my Dad is very much anti separation, believing that my priority at all costs should be my children and that I should just 'put up and shut up.'

A big part of me just wishes I cold close my eyes and go to sleep forever. I think at times it wold be easier for the children if I wasn't here any more. I am too 'chicken' to do anything else which makes me even angrier at myself.

So, so sad and alone :(*

8 Replies

  • Hunny I feel for you I have been divorced for four years now and only stayed because of the kids and money, I can now say I have never looked back I feel free now, you don't have to get a divorce straight away but you will get more benefits to help you with rent and cost for the kids and living. It sounds to me he is causing you emotional abuse and bullying you to stay with him with the threat of the kids, please look up emotional abuse on a website for women's refuge, it will state clearly what you are going through and also ways to help yourself,

    You owe it to your kids but most important you owe it to yourself to become happy again, you can't go on being so sad and not sleeping. A week after I split from my husband I slept ten hours for the first time in ten years. You can do it and support is out there, I know what you mean about you parents....

    A year after I was single I met a guy and he became very intense very fast promising me financial security as I was in the middle of a court battle not to be homeless. He became vial. Abusive was totally the word I use for him, he dictated what I did, how I looked he told my kids off, he would even chuck water at me if he didn't like my hair or clothes, anyway it got worse and he was a fraud and a cheat too, I told my mum and she shut up and put up with it he is going to buy you all a house! I tried as I thought it would be best but it got so much worse. Basically it became physically abusive ending in........ Rape. I had to involve the police as he then threatened my kids and animals etc....

    I am doing so well now so don't feel sorry for me as it made me stronger and wiser and I know even though I am disabled and not a skinny girl I know now I deserve respect, love and happiness and I now have it with a wonderful man that sees me for ME!

    Message me anytime if you want I am here for you xxx my cousin has been through it to even went into a refuge with her kids, but she is now on the up and we both smile again, our kids are happier too xxxx

    Big hugs and stay strong girl xxxxx Lou

  • Hi princess01

    Wow - you are in a tough situation right now. The first thing I can say is no way are you a chicken! It takes strength and courage to survive situations like you are in. I am not married and don't have children, so my understanding will not be the same as some of the others who post on here. However anyone can figure out that that children are a powerful factor in deciding what the right thing to do is and a powerful emotional weapon as well.

    Are you aware that any behaviour from your partner that is controlling can be considered as a form of abuse and that includes pressure tactics? Please consider googling to read more about this. They may be able to offer you some practical advice and support on what to do. If you are frightened to look at the website at home, maybe go to the library or see if your mum would let you use a computer if she has one.

    No matter how controlling he is, you do still have choices. They may not be easy ones in the beginning. Don't worry about the money side of things right now, with the right help that will sort itself out. Your emotional well-being is what should trying to put first. Fortunately for you, your kids are still quite young, which means with time they would adapt to any new circumstances a little better than older ones.

    Remember if it gets too bad at home you have the option of taking them into a refuge with you. I have worked with people professionally who's family members have had to disappear for similar reasons.

    Everyone deserves and has the right to happiness. Sometimes it takes time to achieve but it can be done.

    All the best.

  • I was also going to recommend Women's Aid. They helped me - they gave my son and I a safe place to stay when we needed it. I would say that a puppy might not be a good idea right now, just based on my personal experience... my dog became my lifeline, he was my constant companion and a great source of emotional support, but a controlling partner will also view that dog as a threat. My partner eventually took his frustration out on my dog! He terrorised it and threatened to kill it! I had to get a family member to find a new home for my beautiful Toby and I never saw him again, although my Uncle did tell me he went to a lovely home, even now - over 20 years on, I'm in tears writing this and I can still hear Toby's terrified squealing in my head as he was kicked around the garden!

    A dog will also be an extra obstacle to escaping your current situation - if things escalate and you and the children need to get out in a hurry, its going to be easier without a pet to worry about. Think of a dog as something you will be able to have once you're away and free of your current situation - something to look forward to!

    You ARE stronger than you think, you can get through this. There is still help out there and support on here :) xxx

  • Hiya,

    I'm a man, and have a wife and children and have had some experience with this.

    It sounds like you both are not getting your needs met, and so are blaming each other for your unhappiness.

    I'm sure there are nasty things going on on both sides, so wont comment on them. Alot of what you say mirrors my past situation, including the separate bedrooms,

    However, I got to a stage where my wife was constantly putting me down, as the power had moved very much into her hands, and the last straw was when, she was taking the piss and putting me down, whispering into my sons ear, as we all sat on the settee watching tele. My son told me after what she had said, and told me he didn't like her saying things about me like this.

    I had looked into solicitors like you and the financial dynamics of the children beforehand, as it had been going on for a while.

    The next day I left, I left with the knowledge I was loosing any financial gain I had made like the house etc. and decided I would just start afresh, with nothing.

    I kept my son in the loop, and went and took him out regularly.

    My wife broke down, couldn't cope, just sat and did nothing, just cried, untill she contacted me one day, appologising and to ask for my help, and for us to try again.

    I realised I did still love her, and went back, to a completely different situation, I said I wanted her to get some therapy, which she agreed to, and things now have gone from strength to strength.

    Sometimes we dont need to change our partners, we just need to let them know where our boundaries are. And sometimes the hurt has been so much we do have to start afresh.

    And even with a struggling mind, we can be strong, even if we dont think we can.

    Hope you do get this sorted, and your still young, I was 49 when the above happened.



  • B - presumably when you walked out your wife was there to care for your children - Princess doesn't really have the option of walking away from hers!


  • I would of gladly taken mine with me, unfortunately the law says otherwise.

    m surePrincess would get custody as long as she can take care of them, if that was the options she close.


  • Hi B.

    Your story is a bit like mine. I am in a terrible place right now in my head. Princess sounds as if she has gone to the level where you can not look back. A partner that does not look out for you is not worth the while. Especially after a number of years.

    Your story B is one that stands out. Not many people can stand up and say they have refreshed their boundaries.

    Princess you need to get a resolve on this for your own sake. We are here to help.


  • Hi Princess - a lot of what I was going to say has already been said - and, like Regalbirdy, I've never been married, but was the child of an abusive relationship. I never saw my father hit my mother - I don't think he ever did, though he did hit my older siblings - but his emotional abuse was as bad as - I might almost say worse than - any physical abuse, so i do understand to an extent.

    Do try WomansAid - you ARE an abused woman, even if your husband has never laid a finger on you in violence! You do NOT have to sleep on the floor in your own house!!! Perhaps talk to your local Council about a house/flat for you and the children? TELL THEM you're being abused - you don't need a black eye to be abused!

    Don't worry too much about divorce at the moment - you need to get yourself and your young children out of his controlling nasty clutches!

    And - DO NOT worry about his threats of making sure HE got custody of the children! At - what? 6 and 3? - you'd have to be the mother from hell - which I'm sure you're not - for a court NOT to award you custody of them!

    You might also like to look at this site - it has details of Law Centres, you might find one in your area, they're designed for people who can't afford a lawyer - go to:-

    You're in a horrible situation, Princess, i do really feel for you, but like the other ladies have said, there are options, you don't have to put up with whatever your husband dishes out!

    Hope this helps, hun, and keep blogging, lots of support and advice on here. Oh, and my controlling, dictatorial, bad-tempered, "I'm the man and I'm the boss" father, who'd been threatening to leave my mother for 30 years - when my mother finally told HIM to go - he went to pieces, basically had a breakdown, begged her in tears to have him back! :-O Bullies are cowards, Princess, and your husband is a bully! I'm not saying it will be easy, but get away from him, and start building a better life for you and your children!

    All the very best, and keep blogging!

    Love and hugs



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