I am hoping it helps to write things down so here goes...
Basically I am 32 and have been desperately unhappy in my marriage for quite a few years now and the situation is just getting worse. I got married at 24, had my first child at 26, had my second child at 29.
Since the kids, things have gradually gone downhill. I am basically (as I see it) silly not required by my husband any more; he has his children. We never go out as a couple, we never spend time with each other in general, in fact it's got to the point where I am sleeping on the floor in the spare room just to avoid him. We stopped having any sort of physical relationship years ago (although I would say this has always been lacking) but I cannot bear him even trying to cuddle me now. I have suffered from insomnia for about the past two years and on average I would say I'm getting 4-5 hours sleep a night, sometimes less.
The main issue I have is that he is very controlling. Just one example of this is that after our second child I said I didn't want to completely rule out the possibility of another (I was just 29 at the time). But husband had made up his mind; no more children. Ever.
The latest issue involves a puppy. I spend most evenings on my own and my husband no longer talks to me. I asked if it was possible I could have a dog for company/to take on long walks etc (entirely my responsibility). The kids were also very keen on the idea. You can guess what he said. No compromise of course.
I had a breakdown last summer and went for counseling as a result. Marriage counseling was suggested but you can guess the reply on his behalf.
I have spoken to him about divorce but he will not discuss. When I asked him why he woldn't want to separate the answer was simply 'cost.' I have seen lawyers but the reality is now that I simply cannot afford to divorce him. There is no Legal Aid any more and I only work on a very part-time basis, the rest of the time spent looking after the children. He also threatens constantly that if I ever went down that route he would make sure I 'wouldn't have custody of the children.'
I can't see a way out of this mess and I blame myself for getting into it in the first place. I don't really have any friends although I am close to my mum. She has previously been supportive but my Dad is very much anti separation, believing that my priority at all costs should be my children and that I should just 'put up and shut up.'
A big part of me just wishes I cold close my eyes and go to sleep forever. I think at times it wold be easier for the children if I wasn't here any more. I am too 'chicken' to do anything else which makes me even angrier at myself.
So, so sad and alone :(*