first depression and anxiety building over the last 24 months or so, finally had it diagnosed about Oct 2012, my work noticed my decline in productivity and shoved me on a disciplinary "improvement or else" plan threatening my job, I've been perscribed Lustral but having read up on all sorts of sites (even avoiding the USA ones) I dont want to live life on/thru anti-depressants, havent taken any lustral, told GP and got my name added for CBT sessions. Finally got a CBT Date in March but it turned out it wasnt CBT it was just an assessment to see if I was "OK" for CBT and needed CBT. I "passed" that and got two CBT assessment appointment dates sent to me in April for May appointments. In April my Mum went into Hospital for Gallbladder removal on a Friday 5th, that night in hospital she says shes much better, can taste things properly again, and can I bring in her glasses, pen, crossword book and some Malteasers. I bring these in on Saturday and she's a little groggy and on Oxygen. But we chat and discuss all sort of trivial things and at the end of the visiting session we both say "see you tomorrow" and I give her a peck on the cheek. On Sunday the 7th she died due to a bile (acid) leak from the "routine" operation. I'm blaming the NHS and the weekend lower staffing levels, together with a machine malfunction (ongoing investigation) It feels like it was all yesterday, but I know that things like the funeral arrangements and the two CBT assessments (god knows what info the CBT Dr got from me during those two assessments - at 6 days and 13 days after my mums death at the hands of the NHS). The CBT Dr suggested I get my endorphins surging by getting my GP to sign me up for a "free sport" programme/perscription. My GP started filling in the form for that for me and had to take my blood pressure it was a whopping 187 over 125 - that reading didn't even feature on his laminated wall chart. So...no sporty endorphins for me and a new health concern which I'm now on tablets for and they're not doing as much as the GP hoped. I've applied for Gastric band surgery as a way of losing weight to lower blood pressure but thats got a whole load of hoops to be jumped through and I've also taken the advice to speak to a bereavement counselling service but they tell me that they have a 2 month waiting list and that they dont like to see anyone anyway until 6 months have passed since the death. How the 2 month wait fits into the 6 months (dont like to see until) thing, I've no idea. I wont reconsider the anti-depressants - life isnt good but I want to see and react to life not some hazy/window/tinted version of it. I've previously planned two ways out (suicide methods) both of which would look accidental, but I cant leave/abandon my kids.