future uncertain

first depression and anxiety building over the last 24 months or so, finally had it diagnosed about Oct 2012, my work noticed my decline in productivity and shoved me on a disciplinary "improvement or else" plan threatening my job, I've been perscribed Lustral but having read up on all sorts of sites (even avoiding the USA ones) I dont want to live life on/thru anti-depressants, havent taken any lustral, told GP and got my name added for CBT sessions. Finally got a CBT Date in March but it turned out it wasnt CBT it was just an assessment to see if I was "OK" for CBT and needed CBT. I "passed" that and got two CBT assessment appointment dates sent to me in April for May appointments. In April my Mum went into Hospital for Gallbladder removal on a Friday 5th, that night in hospital she says shes much better, can taste things properly again, and can I bring in her glasses, pen, crossword book and some Malteasers. I bring these in on Saturday and she's a little groggy and on Oxygen. But we chat and discuss all sort of trivial things and at the end of the visiting session we both say "see you tomorrow" and I give her a peck on the cheek. On Sunday the 7th she died due to a bile (acid) leak from the "routine" operation. I'm blaming the NHS and the weekend lower staffing levels, together with a machine malfunction (ongoing investigation) It feels like it was all yesterday, but I know that things like the funeral arrangements and the two CBT assessments (god knows what info the CBT Dr got from me during those two assessments - at 6 days and 13 days after my mums death at the hands of the NHS). The CBT Dr suggested I get my endorphins surging by getting my GP to sign me up for a "free sport" programme/perscription. My GP started filling in the form for that for me and had to take my blood pressure it was a whopping 187 over 125 - that reading didn't even feature on his laminated wall chart. So...no sporty endorphins for me and a new health concern which I'm now on tablets for and they're not doing as much as the GP hoped. I've applied for Gastric band surgery as a way of losing weight to lower blood pressure but thats got a whole load of hoops to be jumped through and I've also taken the advice to speak to a bereavement counselling service but they tell me that they have a 2 month waiting list and that they dont like to see anyone anyway until 6 months have passed since the death. How the 2 month wait fits into the 6 months (dont like to see until) thing, I've no idea. I wont reconsider the anti-depressants - life isnt good but I want to see and react to life not some hazy/window/tinted version of it. I've previously planned two ways out (suicide methods) both of which would look accidental, but I cant leave/abandon my kids.

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I am so sorry you feel like this right now....I am so sorry about your mum and all the difficulties you face. Sometimes life feels bloody unbearable

I understand most of the issues appear to stem around timing and I understand you seem to have said you want to wait 6 months from your mother passing away to have appointments..I understand, although I would urge you not to wait....you need to go to any appointments to help you on the road to recovery sooner rather than later. I am sure your mum would have wanted you to get better and not wait...

I suffer with high blood pressure too. Mine is now regular....

It is important you get help with your grieving too please put your name on the list ........and attend as soon as you can

I'm not sure what I have said will help, I am not a professional, but I see the main thing is for you not to wait for help it will make matters worse for you.......

I am wishing you well and sending a hug your way....

Please use this site to blog it does help

Love sue xxxx

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[quote] you seem to have said you want to wait 6 months from your mother passing away to have appointments..I understand, although I would urge you not to wait....[/quote]

Sorry, I should have clarified this part. It's not me that's wanting to wait 6 months for bereavement counselling... The bereavement service themselves say that they prefer to wait until 6 months after the death before they start their sessions. I guess if the person they are visiting is too "raw" there'll be an hour of tears and no exchange of dialogue/help.

I'm on the list for bereavement counselling/consoling etc (for their timescales of six months time) but I don't know how their 2 month waiting list fits into the 6 months. They have however given me a number to call for any more immediate advice/help which I've already used when i was trying to work out the best way/place/time to tell my children about Granny.

I have the 24(?) hour number from the CBT access team too for if/when things gets too foggy in the meantime.

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Hi anonUK. I'm so sorry you're having such an awful time. It seems as if once life decides to kick you in the face it keeps on doing it. However it does pass eventually. I lost my mum to Liver cancer a few years ago and was devastated. I nursed her at home for the last few weeks of her life and was with her when she died. Once she was gone and the funeral was over i couldn't settle. The Dr wouldn't give me anything to calm me down, so i was using rescue remedy and calms. After about 2 months of sadness & crying, when even my partner was fed up with me, i found the number of a local counselling service and booked an appointment. I found it very useful and they weren't at all phased by me crying all over them. I went for about 6 months until i felt more stable and by the end of that time I was able to look at photos of my mum and talk about her without getting upset. I think death affects people in different ways and The counselling service weren't bothered by the recency of her death - they let me talk for an hour each week and just listened, which is what i needed and what i think a lot of people need at these times.

I did try CBT but didn't get on with it, Good luck with whatever you do. Take care. x