is anxiety making me a bad partner? please read

[anxiousalexis]

My gf (f26) & I (f26) have been best friends for over 10 years. We faced challenges w/ her enmeshed family, but as just a friend, I couldn’t express my concerns deeply. We started dating in 2022, & she fell in love w/ me while I was still questioning my feelings. Almost a year into our relationship, during my first birthday together, her family invited her on a trip to Europe. I expressed my desire to spend my birthday w/ her, especially since we were planning a trip to NYC. She initially agreed but later called back to say she wanted to go on the trip after speaking w/ her mom. This hurt me as her family’s feelings seemed to come before mine, casting a shadow over our relationship. Every time she traveled w/out me, I felt intense anxiety & resentment. I’ve been working on overcoming my travel anxiety, which stems from never traveling w/ my family like she did. My first plane ride was in 2022, & I planned to start taking smaller trips w/ her in 2025, which she agreed to after many arguments. I’ve been in therapy since childhood & have overcome much, but I’m told I’m messing up bc I don’t handle my anxiety like her. Her cousins invited her on a trip in October to either Nashville or Japan. Japan is a dream destination for me, but I hoped for Nashville to start smaller. They chose Japan, & I wasn’t financially stable for it. I explained this to my girlfriend, who was also struggling financially but could rely on her well-off parents. She told me if she had issues, she’d go & ask her parents for help. This made me feel left out & disregarded. I reiterated my desire to go on smaller trips w/ her, but she said her parents wouldn’t pay for multiple trips. She offered to pay for my flight, which I appreciated but found pressuring. I wanted her support, but she said she couldn’t fully support me or stay back bc she’d lose herself. I struggled to explain my feelings, as I didn’t want her to lose herself but was hurt by her constant traveling w/out me. She had gone on multiple trips after Europe w/out me bc I wasn’t invited, leading to a snowball effect. She said I was planning to fail & being tired of being told what to do. I just wanted her support, as her cousins already had a negative view of me bc of our past fights. She mentioned wanting to go to Japan to prove to her cousins that we’re better, which didn’t sit right w/ me. On other family trips, she prioritized them over me, even over my safety. I had to drive five hours alone at night bc her parents were upset she couldn’t stay another day. I was uncomfortable w/ the idea of going across the world w/ her family. She said I needed to trust her, but it’s hard bc she’s been caught between a rock & a hard place before, leaving me w/ the short end of the stick. I wanted to go on the trip w/ her & needed her support this time. In my ideal world, she’d say, “I get you, baby. I know it’s hard for you, & I want to help you get through this. We can try working our way to Japan, but don’t worry if you can’t do it. Just put the effort in, & we could figure out if we cross that bridge & maybe plan for another trip.” Instead, she kept telling me she had her needs & I couldn’t tell her what to do. I explained that wasn’t what I was doing, but it never got anywhere. I ended things during therapy bc the therapist sided w/ her, calling me a crybaby & manipulative, & gaslit me. Days after the breakup, my girlfriend told me she would’ve stayed back if I hadn’t made a fuss & tried. This made me feel stupid & like I ruined our relationship. Now she wants to be friends bc she has no one else but keeps bringing up my mistakes & how she needs to focus on herself, & when she finally chose herself, I had an “issue” w/ it, which has my mind jumbled. I want her to live her life & have always encouraged her to make new friends & go out, but she never wanted to. Most of the time, when I share my feelings & needs, it turns to her feelings & needs & why mine go against hers. I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I wrong? Do I need extra help w/ myself?

[CLB1125]

First Im sorry you had to go through that. I don’t think much of your therapist! They are not supposed to take sides. I don’t feel she was very committed to your relationship. If she was she would’ve been more compassionate to your needs and feelings. Maybe now is the time to start therapy with a new therapist. Work on yourself first. If you and your partner can work it out together later great but for now be selfish and work on yourself. You may find out how to be a better partner or you may find out that she’s not the right one for you.

[LoveforAll41 in reply to CLB1125]

I totally agree with CLB here. So many trips without your SO of three years?? To me it seems you did right to end things and can really work on yourself now for a while.

[anxiousalexis in reply to LoveforAll41]

i wish it was easy

[anxiousalexis in reply to CLB1125]

i really appreciate you taking the time to read my post. it’s just been really hard bc i love this girl a lot but this has been an issue throughout the relationship. the therapist was our couples counselor. i have my own individual therapist. she still sees the couple counselor and im still on the app bc it’s for couples and trying to get off but that’s my ex’s only outlet to talk and i feel bad taking that away from her. even tho tbis therapist is enabling her behavior

[Blue-sky1]

I want to be gentle with you because this seems difficult.. as you guys have been close for such a long time, and seem to love each other … I think you guys might not be mature enough right now to be in a relationship. It might be better to work those things out on your own and within your own timing, and without exterior pressure.

This is such a beautiful phase and discovering travel is really amazing! Why don’t you solo travel ? Somewhere in nature , close by .. maybe with another friend

You are not in a competition and you have all the time in the world to go to Japan .. You will be empowered by the destiny you create !

The other thing is that relationships are better experienced when we are whole, and have worked through, at least, some basic traumas ( the work never ends) …

I have been to 20 countries and 232 cities, and lot of it I did in my own … If I didn’t have any money I did small trips close by, and later in life I had the privilege of taking 6 months off to solo travel and ended up meeting my husband in Thailand, so , magic happens on the road and you don’t need anyone to provide that to you ..

I am already very excited for your future !

Ps: forgive your girlfriend and let it go .. finding blame on all this is a waste of time and will just bring thought rumination… I hope you guys can continue to be close, if not take some healthy time away from her to cool things of, specially social media ..

[anxiousalexis in reply to Blue-sky1]

i understand what you’re saying. i want to travel and im working on it. my gf just put a lot of pressure on me and didnt like the way my anxiety made me react to things and there was no compassion for it

[Blue-sky1 in reply to anxiousalexis]

Yes.. I hear you .. It is very hard when we don’t receive understanding and compassion.