Helping your significant other

[Frances2019]

Hi. I mostly write in the past asking help for myself but today isn’t the case. Just a brief recap I have adhd along with anxiety and depression I’m sharing my life with this girl who also have anxiety and depression but hers is more severe. Our parents don’t understand and I wanna help her out. She doesn’t like to express herself she likes to keep everything bottled up until it drives her crazy and lash out on me .I’m more of a crier and a screamer when my head feels full and it helps me. Recently she broke up with me bc she snapped at me saying that she doesn’t wanna destroy me even though we did break up it still feels like we’re not I won’t push her on the labels I just wanna help her find a method to release her frustrations and open up sometimes when something’s wrong and ask for help bc that’s what I want bc she does it for me too. So can I please have some tips on how she can release her frustrations or how can I get her to open up and talk to me. We all gotta help each other when things get though otherwise we’re not gonna make it no one can possibly do it alone she keeps saying she doesn’t know how to 🙏

[MrZee]

I totally get what you’re saying. My Hubby keeps everything bottled up inside. And I’m the one in therapy. He always stubbornly says, “I don’t need therapy.” Which we all know is BS. But it would drive both our relationship and me insane to persistently push him into therapy. It’s up to him to make the decision if he ever does someday. All I can do is hope and leave it at that.

I’m mentioning this because it’s up to your Special One to decide on her own to seek therapy. Pushing or making that decision for her will only drive both of you into deeper frustration. All you can do is hope... and to seek your own therapy and as she sees you improve maybe she’ll give it consideration too.

Another option is perhaps to propose couples counseling. Hubby and I did that for a while and it did help certain aspects if our relationship.

Good luck and best wishes.

-MZ ❤️

[Frances2019 in reply to MrZee]

Thank you

[knew in reply to MrZee]

Hi MrZee , I believe you are correct, but as a care giver, it is so hard to see your loved one depressed/anxious/etc. I constantly wonder if there is something I can offer my son to get him to seek treatment. I am seeking therapy for myself this week because I am at wits end and know that if I can quell my anxiety, it may be helpful. If you have any personal experience with how to offer help to someone else, please provide. My son, who is depressed, tells me that I badger him, so apparently my concern comes across as harping instead of out of love. So frustrating. Good luck with your husband and I hope he gets the strength to go to therapy. Wishing you well also.

[MrZee in reply to knew]

Dear knew,

Thank you for your complimentary feedback. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing... seeking therapy for yourself. The therapist should help provide guidance with productive suggestions as to how you can or cannot communicate with your son.

I can hear from your post that you dearly care about your son. And I get it... it’s your son that has to make his own decision for treatment.

Of course it’s frustrating trying to be the helpor when the helpee who needs help wants to be left alone.

Since I work at a college I’ve gotten to know many of the young students (late teens/early 20s). I’m a shoulder to many of them that seek advice for themselves and/or for others they know. I can’t wave a magic wand for them, but I can listen which they do appreciate.

Perhaps with your son, see if he just wants to be listened to instead of being given advice. When you go into therapy, your therapist can give you some good listening techniques.

I’ve learned over the years that depression is self anger turned inwards which is where the feelings of hopelessness comes from. I too have felt that growing up especially in an abusive family. Yet I am grateful for my years of a combination of meds and therapy.

Perhaps just giving your son a gentle squeeze on his shoulder while looking him in the eye smiling and unconditionally saying “I love you” may be a good starting baby step. It’s at least worth the try.

Best wishes,

-MZ ❤️

[knew in reply to MrZee]

Wonderful advice and well said. Thank you so much. I appreciate you sharing your experiences so I may learn. It is very helpful and gives me hope and solace even though I have a tendency to want to "fix" something that I can't. I need to work at just being present if needed. It's very hard and I'm practicing, everyday, every hour, every minute, but sometimes I slip.

The best description I have seen yet: "depression is self anger turned inwards." I see this clearly with my son. Thanks again for sharing. All the best to you.

[MrZee in reply to knew]

Thank you... and you’re welcome.

Actually you’re way ahead in the game of life. That is you have the awareness of your shortcomings that you would like to work on in therapy. Most people out there aren’t even anywhere near that point... I call them “the know it alls” for which they have actually have no clue. You have the clues and that’s great.

I too want to “fix” certain people. Yet for those who don’t want fixing I have to back off and make my own peace that they’re just not ready to be helped.

However, I find simply lending them a smile to be quite effective.

-MZ ❤️

[GreyeyesXander]

I think you can only do so much, the person have to actually want to be helped