Depressed about things

[Wau2]

My children have not spoken to me since 2013, my brother committed suicide in 2015 caused by depression, mother died 8 years ago from cancer. Both of theses happened while I was driving truck. My father died just before Christmas and these feelings I am having is wrecking my relationship with my girlfriend. What can help me get out of this funk because it's really not me.

[LazyXrayEyes2255]

bereavement section of healthunlocked is also available

but take your time, as much time as you need to process. Meanwhile we are here if you need to talk. Sorry but look after yourself properly now and you need your time to just move on

[Enduring-it-all]

I'm sorry your enduring so much grief. I myself have lost 2 loved ones to suicide my ex husband 14 yrs ago and my youngest son last year and sister, mom and dad over the course of 10 yearsGrief is very hard, everyone grieves differently and that's ok. Im not sure what you mean it's affecting your relationship with your girlfriend though? Is it possible she's just not understanding your grief or doesn't know how to console you?

I realize no one can truly feel or understand the grief we carry as individuals and how depression can develope because of the losses.

Suicide is the hardest to me because of all the questions and blame we put on ourselves ( which is not our fault) and all the should of, could of, would of, and what ifs, whys, hat entertain out thoughts but the grief in general from life as we get older also is very consuming we may expect it someday especially our parents but it's still heartbreaking grief when it happens.

Is it your depression you feel is affecting your relationship?

Either way my suggestion is to seek a grief counselor or seek a counselor in general to speak to about your own situation.

I sought one out due to health issues myself 3 years ago and he helps and has helped me through with my son's suicide and my sisters death last year.

They don't have answers necessarily but they help you by having someone else to talk through all your enduring and help you learn to understand your emotions and pressures of life of you'll let them in.

Also, because where your girlfriend hasn't gone through these possible life altering deaths she can't understand how this affects you., and honestly never will to the degree it's effecting you. Grief is such a personal experience., it effects the loved ones and friends but each in their own ways from their experiences with the one they've lost.

I feel it would help to find some resolution to your kids not being in your life which also is a form of living grief, you wanting to be part of their lives but they technically are not available almost as if they don't exist and your grief from passings of family by talking it through with someone. I wish for you the best.

I'm sorry your going through so much.

[QuiltLady in reply to Enduring-it-all]

Wow you've had to deal with a lot of loss, I am so sorry. I have lost my mother but I worry about not being able to cope if I had to go through all you have. Can you tell me how you've been able to cope with the loss? I'm just going through a time of bad anxiety and the thought of losing someone makes me feel like I wouldn't be able to cope. Thanks.

[Enduring-it-all in reply to QuiltLady]

That's a tough question. Also, a long reply is following.... Coping for me came actually from 2 main things, the event actually occurring the losses themselves and coping with the aftermath and secondly from my abandonment issues I grew up with., where I developed a wall around my heart. I've somehow learned to block when I can the feelings of abandonment, which grief is like a abandonment to me.

And realized. over the years Ive found myself trying to not let people in my life to get close to me, 2 reasons

1. So I don't get hurt , can't bear all the tremendous emotions of my heart being ripped apart and feeling I lost someone and can't go on without them which leads back to my (abandonment issues).

2. Don't let them in to love me so they don't feel like me and won't go through this pain.

So my strange coping mechanism stem from years of abandonment issues I had and walls Ive put up, which helps me with coping with loss to a certain degree depending on the situation natural death or suicide.

My parents deaths were expected someday and were natural to me, painful yes but expected.

How I coped or got through for instance when my Ex and my son committed suicide was through a lot of processing after it occurred. Of course I thought my heart would never recover. I finally had to disconnect the unbearable heartbreak. How I disconnected came to my learning how I coped with the loss with my Ex husband. It took 3 and a half years after I came to terms that we were full circle, he loved me , I loved him and now I'm ok, I miss him still but I know he's gone. There was nothing left to do or finish I had to realize he won't grow old with me like I thought my whole life.

With my son, he wasn't around much after he was 16 yrs old, he graduated early and wanted to be free so to say to do his own life so I let him move in with some good friends he had met. But at 18 he completely one day decided he didn't want speak to me again ever at the time. Said some very cruel things broke my heart a million times trying to get him to come back because I loved him so much. But he didn't respond other then with a lot of hate. So for 2 years he wouldn't speak to me or see me at all and then finally he came around after his dad's death but still very little contact until he was 24 yrs old. So, those 2 years I went through like a grieving process then and dealt with another form of abandonment issues from him leaving. and had started building my walls already that I learned early on to cope with abandonment.

But finally he came back into my life at about 24 yrs old and he was developing and developed from within such a spiritual place and he explained all his issues he had with me and we moved forward. I never stopped loving him but he put walls up so I had to abide by what he was capable of giving me.

So, when he committed suicide after all this at 33 yrs old I got my heart ripped out again, but because I had already grieved him in a sense thinking he'd never speak to me again and then now knowing he was in a good spiritual place because of all our talks between the ages of him at 24 to 33 years old I came to realize he was at peace I realized he's in a better place and am now coping through this heartbreak by knowing he's not struggling with whatever he was dealing with in this world no more. , and knowing spiritually he was in a good place even though he committed suicide.

Coping for me after the reality seemed to be was to find a way to kind of to look on the brighter side. My Ex = Full Circle, We completed all there was to do for our time together. My Son = Peace., He's in a good spiritual place, and that makes me feel happy.

For me coping = Finding out a way to disengage my heartbreak or worries causing my anxiety.

I have to move forward it's not easy but if I don't I'll just be a basket case of unending suffering. Which part of is that I'm conjuring up in my own mind. For instance my son, I could conjure up he's not at peace and I'd literally go insane thinking that the rest of my life.

I hope this helps, anxiety is definitely a worry of some kind, usually a fear.

Abandonment, Alone in the world, Scared of something beyond our control that we conjure up.

I still do this myself, I just talked with my brother in law today about myself and my health issues beating me down mentally. I realize I project future things or scenarios of doom upon myself causing my anxiety. I now realize I have a pattern of giving myself anxiety and try to solve it before it happens which gives me anxiety, its a vicious cycle.

I know for me I have to stop thinking of scenarios that are not happening currently to me. Kind of like you thinking you can't cope should these things happen to you down the road, your projecting something that hasn't occurred yet that's causing you anxiety.

Where I find myself today is with where my brother in law emphasized to me is why are you causing yourself suffering/ anxiety that hasn't occurred yet?

So I have a choice to either worry ahead of time to find a solution making my anxiety worse and keep digging how I'd cope, searching for an answer., which sounds awesome having the answer but it's causing me anxiety.

Or more simply I can wait and deal with it in actual reality should it happen.

I still struggle thinking though with those options. One of course makes logical sense, the other I've done my whole life and have to figure out how to incorporate understanding what and when it's an anxiety to not worry about.

There's a mental health tool or even a spiritual meditation that's called letting go, It may help you. For me it helps on some worries or depression I'll have but I seem to have problems with understanding what I actually need to let go of at times.

My son followed this method in his spiritual journey he followed David Hawkings book called Letting go but it was more of letting go of the Ego. Also, I've seen others in the forums have followed it also in the mental health view. I can't really explain it but you could look into it more possibly as a tool for your anxiety.

Sleep is another of my favorite go to for anxiety, Or even meditation type videos.

Others take prescribed drugs that's another alternative, I've had to with my health issues at times just to sleep and shut off the anxiety thoughts.

Also, a counselor as I said can help to.

I hope possibly my reply gives you something that might help or give you something to possibly look into.

Truly wishing you relief from all your anxiety. It can be resolved so please keep looking and many best wishes you find what works for you.

[QuiltLady]

Thank you so much for your answer. I do need to stop thinking so much about all the what if's and try to enjoy life as it comes instead of all the negative thinking. I hope things get better for you too.