my mother hates me

[lil_blu]

I cannot have any type of disagreement conversation with my mother, she gets all worked up and angry. I try to challenge our relationship in order to make it stronger and better before she dies of old age. I’ve tried a few times and the end result is always the same. It never changes anything and she continues to say the same things that make me irritated or sad because I feel like she is attacking my intelligence. It makes me feel that I am not worthy of her even trying to change and accept my HSP, introversion, and high stress occupation. I feel like she would rather have a “fake” happy go lucky relationship rather than a heartfelt meaningful relationship together. She always says “I say this because I love and care about you” I feel like is a bunch of hot air and that if she really cared about me she would try and understand me. My mother hates me.

[optimismrus]

lil-blu, your mom doesn't hate you. She is stuck in a way of thinking she learned growing up. When you accept that she's doing the best she can, you can accept her right where she is. You mean well and you want a better relationship, but the only people we can change are ourselves. Work on loving yourself. Give yourself the love you want from your mom. Your little kid {that still lives in you} will be very happy. I'm so glad you can vent here. 🥰

[lil_blu in reply to optimismrus]

“deep breath” and “sigh” Thank you for those very kind and very generous words.

[Windsorgardener5087]

Hi,Your mother is psychologically abusing you for whatever her issues are.

If it's not practical to move out, please do some research on the subject and how to use some psychology tricks to make yourself less stressed. If you feel you need help, reach out for some talking therapy.

Hoping you have a safe and peaceful holiday season

[MissyY1]

Hi lil_blu, I’m sorry for the hurt you are feeling and the way your mother handles disagreement. I’m especially sad that you feel she hates you.

It’s very hard for me to comment on your post because I have this same problem with my own mother. I’m 46 years old and my mother is 75. So I do feel like it would be nice to have a real conversation with her, even if we can’t agree on something. But she too gets all worked up when we disagree. My concern is that she’s going to have a stroke or something (her blood pressure runs high sometimes so it’s not an unreasonable concern).

I know my mom doesn’t hate me but it hurts me because she gets along so well with my sister and I feel like I’m just never going to be good enough compared to my sister. My sister is a nurse and works full time, is going to school for more degrees and I’ve just lived my life on disability and earlier in my life, in many psychiatric units.

I want to ask if you truly think your mother hates you or if maybe you just have bad self esteem (as I do, because sometimes I can start to feel like my mother must hate me compared to my sister, but I know deep down she doesn’t hate me). I totally understand wanting a better relationship with your mother, but like I am starting to think that it might be better if I let things go as my mother really is aging and doesn’t need the added stress of me getting on her case.

But your situation is not mine and I don’t mean to make it seem like it is. I just wanted you to know that I feel similarly in many ways, however, I don’t have the solution and I wish I did for your sake (and for mine). I hope you can maybe challenge your thinking and ask yourself if your mother really hates you or if you just might have different ways of thinking? Sometimes it can help if we look at the situation and consider other possibilities. Like it sounds like something I would think instinctively because of my low self esteem. My mom and I just often don’t agree but she has told me that she always thought I was smart.

Has your mother said anything in particular that makes you think that way? Is it at all possible that you are taking things the wrong way because you also have low self esteem (this is just a guess and a real question and I apologize if I’m completely off base). I don’t know your situation. I just came across your post and felt like I could relate and this is actually my first comment. I apologize to everyone here if I’m doing anything wrong.

I hope you can figure out where to go from here. Support groups like this help me with pretty much everything. Sometimes we can’t fix things and we are better off when we accept it and start moving on. I’ve had to do that often throughout my life. It can be more detrimental to our mental health when we dwell on things that can’t be fixed. That might be the case, whatever your mom is thinking. Because in order to change a relationship, even for the better, the other party has to be on board with it and that’s not the case here. I think moving on, even just mentally might actually be beneficial. Maybe moving on is the wrong wording. Accepting the situation is what I meant. That can be a process, but it can lead to your feeling better overall if you’re not stressing over it.

[lil_blu in reply to MissyY1]

I wouldn’t say low self esteem but I am definitely HSP (highly sensitive person). I am an introvert and have high anxiety. I wonder if all this comes from the way my mother raised me. I am currently seeking therapy because of it and I also don’t want any regrets when she passes on. I want to learn to communicate with her on her terms because clearly she is not going to change. I appreciate you taking the time to write-thank you.

[MissyY1 in reply to lil_blu]

Oh wow, I am also definitely a HSP! Thank you for teaching me something new because I had never seen that before. I am also an introvert and anxiety is my primary disability. I say primary because I was initially put on disability due to my anxiety and then I really started having signs of a genetic condition, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome around 2015. I was diagnosed in 2019 but knew I had it back in 2015. It can cause both mental health issues and physiological issues and it does both for me. But my point is that I definitely understand anxiety.

I can also relate to your feelings of not wanting to have any regrets after your mother passes on. You obviously care about her or you wouldn’t be thinking like this.

You mentioned therapy for learning to communicate with her on her terms and I just wanted to thank you for throwing out that idea because I am going to ask my own therapist for help with doing this with my own communication issues with my mom. I think this is a great idea for both of us. I wish you the best of luck with this and hopefully we will both be successful with it.

[Kendramonique]

Tbh my mom low key hates me too. I can't even get 2 mins on a phone with her ma mind u she chooses the day and time she calls. But why have us to treat us unkind