Worried About My Mother

[alat]

My father's condition has worsened, his abuse has been intolerable. His abuse is mental and verbal, he never resorted to physical abuse, although the three are equally terrible, because he knows if he resorts to it, my mother would fight back.

If he said something mean, he knows he hurts her, and when she retorts, he doesn't care what she says, so it's a win-win for him.

My two younger siblings and I keep telling her to leave him, but she gets even more infuriated when we suggest that, as according to her, she is staying with him for the sake of my youngest brother. She says he just entered the phase of adolescence and such shift could ruin him forever. I get where she is coming from, but there are ways to shield him from such trauma.

She doesn't seem to notice how nervous he gets when he hears any loud noise, he immediately inquires whether "mom and dad are fighting" or not.

What is worrying me is that I've never seen her so angry. To release her wrath she started opened and slamming drawers repeatedly. Thankfully, only I was around to witness that heart-wrenching scene.

I gave up on him a long time ago, especially getting him treatment. I wish my mother would stop caring about him. She can stay with him if she wants, but I wish that his words and actions mean nothing to her anymore.

He is so spiteful, he finds twisted ways to torture us, especially her, for no reason at all. I can tell you this, if ever I had a wife who would stand by me and look past my flaws the way my mother did with my father, I would be the happiest guy alive. My mother is an extremely responsible, mature, smart, caring, just, and funny woman; it is a pity to see such potential and merits wasted on such a man.

She is so great I wish she would leave him and find a man who actually appreciates all the traits she has. I know not everyone would be happy with one of their parents leaving the other and finding love elsewhere, but I would be GREATLY happy for my mother if this were to happen.

Sometimes I think she is a character from a book, because the amount of maturity and resourcefulness she has sometimes baffles me. Her ability to analyze a situation and make the morally and logically correct decision is a level of intelligence I aspire to reach.

Alas, if she thinks it is the correct thing to stay with my father, it influences the way I view her.

Also, just to give you an insight, divorce where I am from isn't looked upon favorably. A divorced man or woman might never find a partner again because they ultimately "failed". So another reason as to why she doesn't want a divorce is because of her social standing and because she doesn't want to sadden her parents (my grandparents) as a divorced child is a great pain where I am from. I am sure it is painful everywhere in the World, but in my country, it is like someone committing a crime and going to jail for it, so that even after their release, people would remember them as the "parents of the criminal". "Parents of the divorcee".

I like my culture, there are many aspects I love about it. I am an Arab, an Arab Arab, meaning I am ethnically and culturally Arab. There are political Arabs (those whose mother language is Arabic like Egypt, Morocco and Levant) and Arabs who are Arabs by ethnicity and culture (people from the Arabian Peninsula, or Arabia). Arabian culture was always okay with women being widowed or divorced, divorced women or widowed women would easily marry again if they wanted to. Unfortunately, the view on such a circumstance has gotten backward instead of progressing or staying the same. Divorced women face the possibility of never finding love again. Our culture had such a progressive stance on the issue when the world had a backwards one, when the world's standpoint progressed, ours regressed.

I don't know what to do with my mother as she is deeply unhappy. I can see it in her face, literally; she's gotten paler and thinner over the past two years and I am extremely worried about her. I will sleep over tonight, but I just wish I could make her not care what he does or says if she is adamant on staying with him.

[Dolphin14]

alat

You have no control over your mom's choices. I'm not sure if there is anything you can do for her. By that I mean it's not your responsibility to see to her happiness in her marriage. This is an adult issue.

I do recognize your love and concern for your mom. That's a beautiful thing

The saddest part to me is children being effected. These things get carried through life. Emotional and verbal abuse is very damaging as you have stated.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you and your family will find some peace.

🐬

[alat in reply to Dolphin14]

Hi! Thank you for your response. I am not sure if you know it or not, I am an adult, too. I am 25, that's why my mother can confide in me and my other siblings who are also adults. My mother is good at shielding our youngest brother from their fights, but my father deliberately shows him that he is unhappy with our mother. He once even told our youngest brother, a 13-year-old, that he hates our mother. I don't why he doesn't that to her as I can tell you with full confidence that my mother tries her best to make things work out.

[Dolphin14 in reply to alat]

Hi

I'm sorry, I didn't use the correct wording. I meant to refer to the adults in the relationship. I hope I didn't upset you.

My heart breaks for all of you. Your dad has issues that need professional help but he has to see those and accept those first.

Maybe your mom has a fear of leaving?

As much as we try to shield our children they are very smart. You're dad speaking badly to your mom or about your mom isn't shielding your younger sibling,

It's a very sad situation. I'm very sorry your family is dealing with this.

[alat in reply to Dolphin14]

No, no. It didn't upset me at all, I just thought you think that I am a minor and wanted to clarify.

She is afraid of leaving, of society's reactions, of breaking her old parents' hearts, and of ruining my brother's mentality. He knows their situation isn't great, but she thinks she can explain it away with "all spouses fight".

Unfortunately, my father's siblings support him in his belief that he doesn't need treatment and they set him against us saying that we are bad children who don't deserve him.

[Dolphin14 in reply to alat]

This is quite complex. Any chance of therapy for mom and you kids?

[alat in reply to Dolphin14]

We want therapy for him first, otherwise it's all in vain xD

[Babe1213]

There is nothing worse than a bully who uses mental and verbal abuse on those people he/she as a parent should be caring for - in this instance your dad bullying your mum. Sadly because your mum is an adult with her own choices of action there is nothing you can do without causing more friction. The truth is if you personally tried to do anything it would probably be you taking the physical abuse, that has not yet happened. The tongue is a double edged sword, and can be lethal. Does your mum realise that your younger sibling will in all probability suffer mental health issues as he gets older. Children learn what they live, and live what they learn.

There is so much going on in your post, my heart goes out to you. The only suggestion I have is that you, discreetly find someone who will facilitate you, and help you.

Personally I - from UK; and unsure where you are, would suggest no matter where you are in the world, make contact with an Anglican (Episcopal) Priest, unlike the RC or Reform churches, these priest are strictly bound by confidentiality. They are trained in such counselling, and may be able to offer some suggestions to help ease the situation.

With regard to your dad, it seems to me he has unresolved issues from his childhood days. When someone does not receive love and care, they are unable to show love and care.

This doesn't make what he is doing right, far from it, he needs help to come through and change. But that is his choice, and like an alcoholic must admit there is a problem before healing can come.

The only other thing I can think of is if you have a trusted friend or external family member who may feel it helpful to report your dad to the authorities when he gets these strops.

Either way, I and others are able to pray for your and your family. Do keep in touch on here and let us know how you are doing.

[alat in reply to Babe1213]

My father is not physically abusive and he knows that if he takes that route there is no going back and we will never let him do it, so I know he will never resort to this and I am confident in it.

My mother does realize my youngest brother can have problems and so she has him visiting a specialist and also extracurricular activities that he likes, however, my father doesn't help and sometimes worsens that situation, especially that he knows my brother is extremely attached to him. To be fair, my father was an okay (NOT great) father to us when we were younger, he's only changed a few years back, which is unfair to our youngest brother as we lived with an okay father and he is living with a horrible father. Perhaps it is his situation worsening.

We are Muslims and there are clerics who are bound to confidentiality that I can talk to, but I do not like taking purely life matters to persons of religion as it tends to take a frustrating and annoying turn to me.

"With regard to your dad, it seems to me he has unresolved issues from his childhood days. When someone does not receive love and care, they are unable to show love and care. " >>> On the contrary, my father had an extremely loving childhood, he and my aunts/uncles are terribly entitled and spoiled, they had parents who spoiled them rotten. My father was known in our extended family for eating whole tubs of jam as a child (his favorite) without anyone telling him to stop as his parents were extremely liberal with their children. They were crying like babies when my grandparents died. Also, he and his siblings are so close-knitted and they bully people together and never let anyone say anything about them and they dislike everyone.

Thank you for your response and your prayers are appreciated.

[Babe1213 in reply to alat]

Hi Alat, thank you so much for sharing, and clarifying your situation. I am in fact an Anglican Lay Minister, I have been counselling here in UK since 1991, and have come up against this type of problem many times, obviously I got it wrong this time, for which I apologise. I shall, with your permission continue to pray for your family situation. But do please keep us informed as to your progress Every blessing x

[alat in reply to Babe1213]

One the contrary, thank YOU for keeping us in your prayers. I am grateful.