My birth is my biggest regret

[MasterofDisaster3]

My mother and I just will not get along and as I get older it's only getting worse. I have given up building a relationship with her as it's just a waste of both of our times. It's getting to the point where I don't want anymore to do with her once I move away. It's not that I don't want a relationship. I love my mother and I want a close bond with her. But she's just always pushing me too hard to be my best. I know she has good intentions but she's doing the opposite of what she means to do. I've told you all that I get bullied. But SHE is the one lowering my self esteem the MOST right about now. No more cuddling. Just constant criticism and monitoring. I'll give an example. My appearance. She constantly monitors my outfit and my hair. She is always on me if I don't do my hair "the right way" or if my clothes are "sloppy". I don't like ironing, I don't like wearing socks, I don't like wearing skirts, I don't doing my hair the exact same way every day. I like mix matching outfits, sometimes I like to dress up for no reason, I like wearing flats rather than heels, I like just brushing my hair out, pulling it back in a ponytail and calling it a day. Does she really have to make me feel like trash every day? Does she have to act as if I'm wearing a trash bag for clothes and my hair is tangled and full of mud or something? She is always trying to get me to prove myself to her. But I refuse. I refuse to prove anything to her anymore. If I succeed I will make it clear that I did it for ME not her. I will never feel like I'm good enough for her. Bringing me back to my regret of being born. I even told her about how much easier her life would have been if I wasn't born. She told me that she could have easily aborted me but she really wanted to have me. I believe her but I strongly believe she made the wrong decision. We don't even say I love you as much as we should. It doesn't even feel like mother and daughter anymore it just feels like siblings/roommates. We've both tried different things. But nothing is working. I just she wouldn't constantly criticize. It's her constant put down that is making me pull away more and more and be more miserable. I mean regretting your birth is about as bad as it gets. So should I just continue to keep my distance and tough it out till I'm 18 and then leave and never look back? Or should I put in effort yet again to make things better so I don't have to uninvite her to my college graduation, wedding, etc? I fee like I don't have any family now.

[hypercat54]

Hi I will give you my experiences with my mother. Mine did exactly the same as yours, only worse from what you have said. My mother constantly nagged me unmercifully about the way I looked and dressed until I thought I would go mad. It has led to lifelong low self esteem. In later years I asked her why. Her answer? "I cared and was trying to encourage you!'' Pick a good time and tell her firmly in an adult way the effect this is having on you. Then tell her a constructive way she can help you instead. You might need to tell her a few times, but stay calm and stick to your guns.

My mother would also tell me repeatedly I was obnoxious and no one liked me. She also accused me of being just like my father whom she thought secretive and sly. She asked me endlessly what tricks I had been getting up to. All said bitterly with contempt in her voice and a nasty sneer on her face. This was the refrain of my childhood.

It sounds like you have a better relationship with your mother as mine had narc tendencies and also screamed (and I mean screamed) at and gaslighted me. Talk to your mum and work on developing a better relationship with her.

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

No she thought I was a slut and always commented on weight I'm not fat but I'm not super skinny like her. She beat me so much when I was young shaking my head and whipping me

[Dolphin14 in reply to Hidden]

My heart breaks for you with this response.

[Worriedman19]

I wish I could say I've been through what you've been through but I haven't I have a very loving family but with that being said it wasn't perfect by no means. It doesn't matter what she thinks of you what matters is what you think of you. If you choose to wear mix match clothes or flat flats instead of high heels then that's your decision not hers. You Know Who You Are you just need to believe in yourself. But her saying that she could have easily aborted you is it very wrong. I pray that you and your mother and have a better relationship but sometimes no matter how much one person wants to have one doesn't mean the other person feels the same way. I hope you have a good night

[Dolphin14 in reply to Worriedman19]

Agree

[Dolphin14]

This is your journey in life. I've been through this and more.

Do what you need to do for you. Please try and tell yourself you are not what she says you are. You are worth so much more. Don't regret you were born. You have big things to do with your life.

The struggle and abuse can be so overwhelming. I left home when I was 18z I'm glad I got out. Life wasn't easy but it was worth it to be free.

Fight for you. I wish you the best.

[MasterofDisaster3]

Thank you guys

[Myre]

My mother calls me a devil on occasion, she doesn't allow me to speak up for myself, going as far as to outright shush me in public. She won't say but I know it's cos she believes I will embarrass her, imagine the wonders that does to my self esteem. I don't trust her with my depression, I don't trust that she wouldn't use this window of vulnerability to try to mould me into the person she has always wanted but she cares in her own misguided away. There aren't a lot of people I can say the same for. We don't see eye to eye on most things but I am not a saint and I haven't always been kind or understanding of her standing and perspective. I could also be selfish, mean, dismissive of her feelings. Her life experiences are different from mine, our views collide. It would be hypocritical of me to stigmatize her for condemning my lifestyle whilst I am doing the same.