but this has been my only form of coping, please bare with me.
I still have not been able to let go of the relationship or rather the person because the relationship is clearly over.
I just feel deep down that he has been cheating on me, everything makes him angry, he brings up past things every chance he gets, one minute he’s nice to me and the other he is completely evil.
there is no intimacy and when I say anything about it he tells me that I am crazy and he doesn’t want to do anything with me. He reminded me that although we spend time together, it doesn’t mean that we are together and he’s not going to do anything intimate with me to make me feel otherwise.
I feel like a huge idiot, every time I do spend time with him he behaves normal and sometimes even nice that it gives me a sense of hope that things are normal again. However , when I talk about a future or I say anything that happens to be about the relationship he goes right back to being the same old mean individual.
he tells me that I am so old and no one would want me and I believe it. He says he cannot be there for me so if I’m sticking around it’s my own fault , he says everything bad in the relationship is my fault as well, and he’s angry when I cry or try to talk to him. He said he’s cool being by himself and said he’s not cheating he just pleases himself. This hurt even more because if he really isn’t cheating the fact that he rather does that than touch me is crazy
I feel so horrible like a disgusting, ugly, terrible person who is incapable of ever being taken seriously. I have been crying while laying silently next to him for the past 4 hours while he sleeps. I deleted all of my social media and I am going to be changing my number. I cannot even begin to explain how I feel or even comprehend why I would allow myself to feel such pain. It’s truly baffling to me.
To make things worse we have a tripped booked for next week which I paid for but idk how to even go alone but I also don’t know how to go with him because he keeps saying to me that he is normal and we will have a good time but then he’s also saying that I need to remember that he wants to be alone and basically we are not together
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Thistooshallpass7
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Hi ChrissyJ77, I just want firstly say, you are brave for sharing this and i hope that in typing away your feelings, and frustrations that you feel a little relief.
Letting go of a relationship or a person can be one of the most difficult things to do and from personal experience, its not easy.
The 'hot' and 'cold', 'nice and evil' really does show a lack of emotional maturity.
You are not crazy for feeling the way you feel when from lack of intimacy in a relationship as humans, we thrive on things as simple as a hug, (not everyone, but most).
You are not an idiot for having hope for a future, but as you say, whenever its brought up, he returns to being mean. Maybe the future scares him, maybe he doesn't see one going forward.
You are not the horrible things you tell yourself, you are not the horrible things he tells you. Normal people don't go around destroying people. Hurt people, hurt people and i say this because often times we really do believe that it is our own doing or we are at fault for how terrible someone treats us but in reality it's so much more about them then it is about us. The dissatisfaction in thier own lives that eats away at thier own self-esteem and the only way to try and feel better, really is to make someone feel worse. (Projecting.)
He wants to be alone, then try to let him be alone, because sometimes, walking away, doesnt mean you never cared, but you just had to go for your own peace of mind.
And you derserve to feel wanted, cared for, loved and most importantly peace. No body should make you feel the way he does.
I hope you find some of this helpful, I hope you realise you derserve better. I really related to what you've written. I really wish you all the things i've mentioned for you.
Don't feel bad, what's happening to you is not unnatural. You're love is what keeps you there. Hope. In the deepest part of your heart you see this person as they were in the beginning of your relationship. It's okay to love them, just start loving yourself more in the meantime. Be kind to yourself, examine yourself, what would make you a better you. Are you the best version of yourself. Start working on you. And over time you'll find that you're interest will gradually change. That energy you want to give that person give it to yourself. What do you like to do?
I hear that, you've been dealing with that situation so long that it has taken you away from you. As women we have nurturing hearts which cause us to work hard at fixing relationships and despite how bad things are you're in a fix it cycle. You been giving it your all and it's breaking you apart. It's going to take some work to get back to being you.
In the mornings and at night before you go to bed start doing some breathing exercises that's going to help you get your emotion centered. Below is a link that has an instructed breathing and meditation guide.
It'll help your mind turn off that replay you've been going through where you're thinking about incidents between you and them, you're thinking about what was said, what was done, you're thinking about how things used to be, how you hope it would be. It's a video that plays in our minds and it takes a lot of time away from you that's why you're unable to focus on anything else. You have no room with all of that going on in your mind.
I also want you to start praying everyday ask God to help you let go of those emotions that are keeping you in that situation. And every time you go to pray thank God for the change as though it already happened.
I myself been in the same situation where I was deeply in love with somebody that was not loving me as I was loving them. The relationship started out really well, in the beginning I was convinced and sure that this was my one and he told me the same that I was his one .
Over time he began to show me who he really was. In my heart I was so in love with who I saw in the beginning that even though he was breaking my heart I kept loving him.
It got to the point that I was hurting so bad, but I couldn't do anything about it I couldn't stop myself from loving him so I started going to God and praying for him to take that love I had for that man away from me.
For a while it just seems like nothing was changing in my heart I felt like a prisoner. And one day something in me changed and I didn't see him the same way. I became disgusted.
Below is another video that teaches how to overcome toxic situations be prepared it's a little rough but it will help.
You're welcome. Thank you for sharing as well. Yes it is difficult, especially when your own heart and mind works against you. I think that's the most difficult part in the whole matter is getting the heart to cooperate with our better judgment. Think about it some one hurts you, you say to yourself that person hurt me I don't want nothing to do with that person anymore, simple, done. But the heart always got to throw a wrench in the situation. Like it's supposed to be the know all guide to our happiness and instead it keeps us in some jacked up situations. 😂
This guy is really gaslighting you; The red flags are out in force.
By telling you that are old he's being incredibly cruel; he is just as much older as you are. I bet you're still doing his laundry and cooking his meals. he seems to be treating you as his mother, not his partner and lover.
My late and unlamented was cruel like this, and I kept forgiving him, even when we had two children. This was over 30 years ago when services for the abused were few and far between. He was physically abusive too, and when he started to threaten the kids; it was time to go, because children take their cues from their parents as to what is correct behaviour, and will go on to perpetuate it in their own families. I took them and left.
Cheers, Midori
Please leave him, he is pushing you away, please leave before it escalates further.
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I did it
Don’t know what to do 
How do I support my depressed husband?
Another fight. Maybe I’m not meant to be in a relationship. Is it anxiety or just me? 
