Am I Wrong?

[MH1982]

Am I wrong for wanting to distance myself from a toxic situation? That's what I chose to do when I began my healing journey after dealing with flashbacks of things that happened in the past, realizing that there was a definite connection between those things and my struggle with anxiety. I didn't receive support from people who were supposed to care, and now, it seems like everyone is against me, even those who did talk to me some of the time before. It seems like they don't want to talk or message now because if certain people are upset with someone, they want everyone to be upset with that person and be against them. I realize that normally, things on Facebook are not about you unless they directly mention you, but that's not how it works in this case. No, they're subtle about it, so they won't tag/mention the person they're targeting because they don't want to make it that obvious. They don't want to make themselves look bad because they can do no wrong. I went through a lot of traumatizing things in my past, some of them possibly unimaginable to some. It was what seemed like a never ending series of being punished for a punishment and it would go on and on. It's hard for me to go into detail about it and very few know some things about it because to be honest, I'm afraid to talk to people about it.

It didn't get any easier after moving out, with their favoritism toward one of my siblings while they look down on me, making me feel like I was inferior and insignificant. Oh, the many years of being isolated, shut out, and excluded. When I was included, either jokes were made at my expense or I was ignored. To them, I was always a doormat because I was the quiet one. Oftentimes, I felt out of place, like I didn't fit in. The last time, we had a get together, I dealt with the cold reminder of how I never fit in, even while growing up. Then they get upset and wonder why I didn't respond whenever they asked if I missed those times. No, I don't but I can't tell them that or else they'd be upset with me. I can't be myself around them because to be myself is unexeptable to them. No, it seems like they want me to be like everyone else or a certain person, liking certain things that they like. Heaven forbid I'd like something that they don't like. They'll make fun or even get upset about. And this is what I've been trying to isolate myself from so that I can have a chance to heal. Because of it, they act as though I've committed a crime. For so long, they've isolated me, but whenever I try to isolate myself from the situation, then they get upset.

[Windsorgardener5087]

Hi MH1982,You are so right in taking yourself away from toxic people if that's what you need. It's called self care. Look after #1 first.

You can only be responsible for yourself and certainly not for how other people feel.

I hope these coming weeks over Christmas and New Year are full of peace and healing for you 🙏

[Hidden]

It may be worth checking out Patrick Teahan on YouTube. (A therapist and he experienced childhood trauma.)He has many posts about the reaction of toxic people who side with the toxicity or abuse because a person is removing themselves.

You will see that what you describe is 'normal' for a toxic group, to attack (subtly or blatantly) as they don't want to change their toxicity.

Good luck finding a way forward that works for you.

[Midori]

Hi MH1982,

There are some; even among otherwise close family who will take sides against a single person and drive them out (it's rather like albino animals, they will often be shunned by other animals of their type and even attacked).

It's a form of defence mechanism, and humans are no different, instinctively we are suspicious of anyone who is 'different', whether it be in their attitude, colour or religious affiliation. It's where most wars originate from. We have to work hard to overcome built-in prejudice.

It is built into our instinctive brain, exclude the 'different' one, huddle together for protection. We, the 'different', often have to break ties completely, and find a different circle of friends. That, or fight back.

I did it 5 years ago, when my daughter started to be 'off' with me, and started to alienate my grandson from my son and I. I sold my house and moved (technically, to a different country, although it is still within the UK). My son, who is my carer, came with me, and he is happier out of her orbit. I don't know what triggered her, and I don't much care. We are both more content. She has her husband, son and in laws.

Now, I have a small bungalow part-way up a hill. From here I can see across to the opposite hill and watch the horses in a field about a mile away. It's a small town, although one with a great deal of history, which suits both me and my son, as we are both history bugs. Unfortunately, I cannot avail myself of the beautiful walks around the area, as I have great trouble walking, nor can I manage stairs any more, My son has his Man Cave, where he can bring his friends and play pc and tabletop games, and I have my Book Nook, where I can read, paint, crochet or anything else which takes my fancy. I have a small but supportive group of friends.

Life becomes what you make of it, and only you can do it. Meds and therapists are fine to help you get to the point where you can step out on your own.

I hope this message helps and you find your strength soon.

Cheers, Midori