Don’t remember childhood - am i repressing?

[cinnamonapple89]

I constantly feel like I’m trying to remind myself of something in my past that I’m repressing. I don’t know if I’m making it up or not or conjuring this up in my head or not, but there is SOMETHING that happened in my past that is why my mother and me just don’t click. She never showed me love. She wasn’t horrible by any means but it just wasn’t an “ok you’re off to school, love you!” Type of thing. It wasn’t even a bye. I think that molded my personality - not to say that my personality didn’t contribute as well. If that makes ANY sense. And every time I get around my family I want to leave. I get really anxious and depressed. But when I’m not with them i feel guilty, like I’m not normal and I isolate myself and they can die any day and I don’t like being around them. It’s like I’m always wondering do i just not get along with my family because of my depression and how I perceive things or did something happen that I completely don’t remember. I barely remember my childhood. I barely remember things that happened last week. It seems I store moments in my life very quickly.

[AZ1970]

This sounds like something to be explored with a therapist. I know for me, not having the emotional support and love growing up impacted me deeply. I hope you get some answers and some peace.

[cinnamonapple89 in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you!

[Sunnidayz1]

The way one grows up definitely molds a person into who they are as an adult. I agree with AZ1970, a therapist can explore this more with you. It's awesome that you would have the insight to know that there is something missing or "not right". Follow your heart and talk it out with a professional. You will be so happy that you did. Good luck to you!

[cinnamonapple89 in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Thank you, will do

[hypercat54]

Hi I wonder if you are suffering from Childhood Emotional Neglect? I am and the red flag to me was you saying you hardly remember your childhood. I am the same and the main thing I remember is being depressed and dissasociated with a huge stone weighing me down. x

blogs.psychcentral.com/chil...

[cinnamonapple89 in reply to hypercat54]

Interesting, looking it up now!!’ I don’t know why it’s just hitting me like this at 30, but it’s heavy

[hypercat54 in reply to cinnamonapple89]

It's because you have repressed memories or feelings that are painful. They never stay down and out forever you know and one day they all come bubbling to the surface. The only way to get rid of them is through understanding and one way to get that is therapy.

I only came across CEN a couple of years go and wish I had known about it many years earlier when I was younger, but it describes my childhood to a tee. I still can't remember a lot of my childhood which I think is down to very little positive emotional content. This is why I can mainly remember only pain and suffocation. x

[cinnamonapple89 in reply to hypercat54]

Wow just read that. I think that’s exactly what I am suffering from.

[hypercat54]

Apparently it's quite common. I always wondered why I suffered from depression as a child up to the present day as I had no outward signs of a bad childhood. I mean I wasn't beaten, neither of my parents were alcoholics, I wasn't sexually abused etc. But as CEN explains it is the absence of validation which make it very difficult to manage and understand your emotions. Like most children suffering from this I learnt that my emotions and indeed myself were not important and I buried the true me in order to survive. Then it became a habit and I had lots of emotional difficulties and still do up to a point though there has been a lot of healing for me. x