hi there this is a first.

[Greenstones]

hello, this is my first time doing something like this. To be honest it is my first time acknowledging my depression to anyone besides myself. To be fair I have high functioning depression, I have a job, a wife (who doesn’t know but can probably sense my depression from time to time) and all things that “normal” people have and do. That being said I am so sad. I so so badly want to cry till I fall asleep of exhaustion but I am scared. I am scared that if I cry, if I acknowledge the problem that I won’t be high functioning, I will have to take time off work, I would have to admit to a flaw I hate, I would have to spend time and money on fixing the issue, all of which are things I wish to avoid. I was really hoping that when I would start writing this I would finally break down and cry- which I believe would be very healthy for me yet I simply can’t.

I find myself constantly looking for quiet, not from noise but from my brain. I wonder if people share the same experience.

I am also greatly bothered by having to keep things from my wife. I truly would love to tell her and find solace in her knowing but I am quite certain she does not have the emotional strength at the moment to help me carry my burden or that she would overreact and I will become a fragile specimen that one need be overly sensitive to.

As I write this I know good and well no one is ever going to read this, that there is a bigger chance of this being read if I tossed a bottle into the ocean with a letter.

I just want to be happy for once in a long time I want to feel secure and not like I am carrying around a thousand pounds of weight. I want to go to sleep and wake up energized. However perhaps most of all I want to be able to embrace reality instead of running away and trying to shut off my brain and numb myself. I want to be present and happily so.

Good night.

[Justme2012]

I hear you….Brain chatter goes on and on here too. But, if are able to release the bits that hold back from the tears, from allowing you to cry- that in itself is such a release. I try to allow myself to cry whenever it comes. Doesn’t solve everything, but it does shift energy. ⭐️💕

[Greenstones in reply to Justme2012]

Thank you

[Dolphin14]

Greenstones

Welcome to the community. I can assure you that your post will be read, respected and supported.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with depression. Depression is not a " flaw" it's a documented illness and needs a treatment plan.

Being a high functioning person with depression almost makes it worse... that is based on my personal experience. It also is very draining trying to hide something this big.

I hope you find the strength to take this one step further and seek help. Life can be so much better if you have successful treatment.

Wishing you the best

🐬

[Greenstones in reply to Dolphin14]

thank you so much I found your perspective to be very helpful

[Ineedauniqueusername]

Yes. Please seek help. If it doesn't feel right, move on to the next help, etc. Most people around us don't know exactly what to do or have any idea how to help us. Please be brave and go now. Be honest. If you deal with it now, it will prevent any progression. It is a HEALTH problem. Best wishes. Your wife will most likely be relieved because you will both be in on it.

[Hidden]

Hug

Pooh hug

[Icare67]

So glad you found this chat, and willing to share your feelings. Being open helps lift some of the heavy weight off. Knowing you are not alone. I keep hoping that eventually when the time is right you can share with your wife about your struggle. Try to cultivate or think of a positive thought each day. Courage to you!

[Alpakka123]

"I find myself constantly looking for quiet, not from noise but from my brain." YES!! OMG, YES!! it's awful, isn't it??? My dad told me that thoughts from the brain are just electrical impulses going back and forth. Someone from here wrote that your thoughts don't necessarily reflect who you are. I was SO relieved when I heard that.

Depression is not a flaw. Having depression doesn't mean you're broken, a bad person, an unworthy person, not as good a person, etc. Please don't look at it as such. The same goes for having a brain that doesn't know the meaning of the term "peace and quiet".

Someone once told me that, instead of referring to yourself as a "depressed person", it's better to say "a person who is depressed". Depression does not define who you are. It's a legitimate "dis-ease" that you happen to have. It's not a weakness. I would even argue that it makes you a very feeling individual, which (especially in these times) is an asset.