how to deal with rage?

[MandyBueno]

hi community! So, being straightforward, I find myself struggling with rage. The type that blinds you. Fortunately it doesn't happen often but when it does, it is horrible. Usually my husband is the target of that. Granted we both had moments of full blown rage at each other. But lately I have been the explosive one. To provide you with a context. Today, we celebrated thanksgiving at his grandpas house. It started at 2pm and the night before we had both agreed on getting there around 1:15 pm. We both woke up at decent time and I showered and then I wanted to curl my hair. By the time I got downstairs it was 10:40 am ish. He was all ready and fully dressed and he started saying I was taking too long to get ready. I explained we had more than enough time and there was no need to hurry . He kept on complaining. Then it just became plain annoying. And told him to stop. He didn't. The argument suddenly escalated and I started rasing my voice asking him to stop. Then I just saw red. I threw a bagel on him and then threw a bowl on the floor. I am not proud of it. It is childish and I felt horrible. We both talked and all is well. But I still can't get over the fact that the silliest things can turn into this gigantic mess. I hate rage! I'd much prefer feeling sadness or depressed, or quite literally any other emotion over rage. All of your reasoning is out the window and this ugly, uncalled for part of you comes out. I'm honestly embarrassed.

[Alpakka123]

I feel for you. I get feeling embarrassed after snapping. It's been suggested to me that I count to ten. Or that I leave the situation until I am calmer inside. Taking deep breaths helps as well.Hope this helps somewhat.

[glpike]

I learned personally that holding our emotions hidden often causes rage as a result. It's hard, but learned that if I release when I feel annoyed as they happen, it avoids major outbursts thereafter. It takes practice like learning any new skill.

[mizzou7016 in reply to glpike]

I agree and disagree.....sometimes if we handle things right when they happen we say things that we don't really mean....I'm not saying to not address it....I'm saying to make sure that you have your emotions in check.

[glpike in reply to mizzou7016]

Agreed, but I have mentally healthy friends who voice their feelings in a calm way as adversity or conflict happens. Not later when anger builds.

[mizzou7016 in reply to glpike]

and I take the time to gather myself...and then usually go back.....it's usually just a few minutes after the anger has built up.....but I give myself time to compose myself so things aren't said out of anger

[glpike in reply to mizzou7016]

Sometimes anger or frustration can take seconds, minutes, hours or years. Dropping a dish is not the answer. Allow your feelings to happen immediately without second guessing. Your feelings are real and should be equal to what you receive. I divorced my prior spouse after 29 years having the same experiences.

[mizzou7016 in reply to glpike]

yes....but usually my anger and frustration happens at work.....and since I work in a dangerous enviornment...it is better to not deal with things when you are angered or frustrated....dealing with issues outside of work is completely different..but i also try and compose myself before i address it....because once something is said in anger....you can't take it back

[glpike in reply to mizzou7016]

I was a partner in a business for 22 years having two partners. We always fought although it took me longer to respond. My initial reaction was that I was wrong and then my rage exploded in an unhealthy way. Maybe, you are in a similar situation and need to be with another company. Life is full of opportunities.

[mizzou7016 in reply to glpike]

I have been a corrections officer in a maximum security level prison for the last 26 years...I am working on transitioning to something else...I like to think that I am reasonable..

[Sunrisetabby]

Hi Mandy, how is your sleep? How is your nutrition? Do you get regular exercise? I continue to succumb to my dark demons, and for me, the anger and rage is almost never about the spark that ignited the incident, but instead about the iceberg of despair lurking in the depths of which the rage is but a small fraction. Many people don't eat much before Thanksgiving, and hanger or a shorter fuse due to a skipped meal is very much as real thing. Do you have a therapist? Are you taking any medications? How are you doing? How are you feeling? Note that these later questions are after sleep, diet, and exercise, because in my uninformed opinion, I think therapy and medications will be much less effective if you aren't sleeping well or eating well or getting sunlight and exercising. Sending best wishes and good vibes to you.

[mizzou7016]

my job has caused a lot of my anger/anxiety issues.....but it has also helped me utilize and develop coping skills when the anger gets crazy...I can usually tell when my anger and frustration are starting to develop...especially at work.....what I normally try to do is walk away from the situation if i can.....try and regain my composure....and then go back and address the situation that caused the issue....sometimes the issue has to be dealt with immediately for me....but every situation is different...I can usually get calmed down enough and come back and talk...that way I'm not saying something I don't mean in the heat of the moment...also used to keep an anger journal.....describing what built the anger....how i initially responded to it...and how i should've responded to it

[MorningDanceTrece]

I do understand how you feel because I've done very similar things many times.

I am hearing that you're upset and I don't want to invalidate your feelings however I think that your husband was being a colossal jerk.

You had two and a half hours before you needed to be someplace and he was starting to nag at you about it.

And then when you politely asked him to stop he refused to stop and kept doing it.

Personally I feel you had every right to be angry at him however not to throw a bagel or anything at him or a bowl on the floor.

I'm wondering if this is common.

A lot of times when I explode with rage it's because something was picking at me and picking at me and picking at me and I wasn't saying anything or doing anything and then finally everything all came out together.