I miss them, and I hurt

It's been a year now since I found out someone like a grandfather to me passed away. I still find myself bawling before bed because their was about a 5 or 6 year gap where he "cut contact with me" he was a Vietnam veteran and had lots of health issues. I'm worried me talking about my depression became too much for him and that's why he stopped talking to me.I saw him once before passing and wrote him a letter. We planned on having Jamaican meat patties and watch Monty Python together before he stopped talking to me. I said in my letter if he ever needed help he could reach out again, and put my new number. Shortly after I saw his wife and she told me he passed.

I had so many questions, he was like my best friend, I would help them around the house, we would sometimes go to shows, thinking I did something to ruin it all and never get that closure is driving me insane. I miss him so much, and he might have just thought of me as an annoying puppy.

I moved out after I heard of him passing, thinking it would be good but my apartment I got had a tub leaking into my garage under me. Work gave me time off but when I got back I was told I made an employee uncomfortable because I explained O.C.D. (and she was also open about her mental health) to her and why I was struggling. At that point it was recommended by family and friends to quit.

Now I'm jobless, juggling meds again, but now insurance in bad and these appointments cost so much. I hurt so bad, I never really did like myself to begin with. I have no ambition to get up and try anymore, I even attempted suicide 4 months ago after a bout of self harm.

I am working with Drs but I'm just back to square one, with less hope than ever. I'm too scared to apply for work right now, the thought almost freezes me, especially juggling meds too.

I miss my friend so much too and that hope of seeing him one more time, that kept me going, is gone now too.

I'm so lost.

[Vonus5591]

First, know that you are important and self care is must. You must take time to process your emotions. At work you have to be careful because any mental health struggle is hard for other people to understand and you could lose your job and everything. Only with trusted therapist or psychiatrist or counsellor can you deal with your issues. Work collegues would not understand you or any mental health issues. Sorry you found out the hard way. Work with your therapist on getting back to job searching. And don't give up you will find something and with help of therapist find something really worth fighting for. You just need a chance in life