Hurt

[zandi01]

I'm not sure how i am feeling right now .It's been a very rough year .I have always wanted to share but its hard to but i feel i need to leave all behind and deal with 2019.I was diagnosed arouns 2014/15 and readmitted last year for anxiety and depression.I once had a visitor from church whom i treated as my dearest male church friend and during that bist i was still on anti depressants and a heavy dose of sleeping tablets .Well its was quite late and i offered him a place to sleep ,the bed and said i'm going to take the couch ...fine took my meds that blacked me out ....After sometime i presume of sleep ..i wake up and this person is on top of me .his pants are down but his busy on top of my pyjamas ...i was still weak from the tablets and heavily drugged as i was ...i remember trying to push him off and i dosnt have the strength. I tried and tried until he cam on top of mh pyjamas and he never listened to me .He got off and i tries to get up and i locked my self In the loo until the morning .This is a person from church and when i reported it ,I was told i need to forgive him ...HOW??? I remember the day i tried to go to church and i saw him ,my heart pounded a thousand times and he had the nerve to say hellow.I love church a lot bug since its been difficult to go again. I don't know how to share this with my husband its been such a heavy burden .Even my doctor doesn't know .He used to be that friend that used to bail me out on situations but i paid the price highly though.It's been over a year and a half but it still feels like yesterday.

[NWGal]

Forgive? Really? The guy assaulted you! I would strongly encourage you to tell your husband and the therapist. Bottling up these emotions is impeding your mental health treatment journey! I'm sorry this happened to you!

[Agora1]

zandi01, NWGal is right in that you need to tell your husband and therapist. I don't

know if you could still make a police report but this vile act should not be swept

under the carpet. It is destroying you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. xx

[zandi01]

You know i feel like im in a hole i cany breath at times .It hurts because i love going to church and it hurts that i cannot and he continues with life. I remember i even told the father from church that im going to the police ...i said something to him from the response he gave me at the time (that he must pray as he has girls that nothing of the sort will ever happen to them).With my therepasit i feel she will give me an educational professional advice and not a spiritual one.and hubby on the other side i feel he will balme me because he always says I'm too friendly and smile a lot so *Maybe he will say i led him on *

[Sabio77]

zandi01 I am sorry . You are not alone. I must tell you my friend, that you must vent in a healthy way. You need to tell your dr or therapist. someone who is a trusted person like a female mentor from church, or a therapist. the sooner you release those emotions, the sooner you can begin to heal from the traumatic experience. Also, I urge you to find it within yourself to forgive this man who disrespected you on many levels.... and to forgive yourself for our human negative reactions that any person would feel ... anger, frustration, bitterness and resentment you feel towards this man. I am also a person of faith. So I speak sister to sister to your right now if I may. We must forgive so we can be forgiven ourselves by our creator. this results in releasing those negative emotions from you and letting this man deal with his own actions with his creator. I also urge you to continue to go to church. for we are to go to the place of worship to praise and worship our Creator not the people in it. Keep your distance from him. have no contact. Believe in yourself.. you are worthy of every positive effort you do. Prayers for strength and courage. We are to extend mercy and grace for we were extended mercy and grace at the cross. I'm here for you if you wish to talk. once again, I am sorry this happened. hugs

[zandi01]

Hi Sabioo ,you know i am a spiritual person and i feel this is blocking me from praising God for all the wonderful things he has done for me prio to all this .

Opening a case is something i thought of doing this year but i felt that i would be underminings God word of forgiveness ,grace and mercy we need to show to others especially when its not deserved by doing we so we are opening our own blessings from God and thank you

[JaaKK]

Hello zandi,

I am so sorry to here of such an awful thing happening to you! I too was raped by my uncle when I was a young teenage girl. My parents refused to believe that such a nice man and family member could do such a thing. - Unfortunately people are not perfect and can do bad things in anytime and anyplace. Forgiveness is a good thing to do against the predator, however, you cannot forgive someone if your heart is not in the right place. Maybe you should try going and talking to your pastor and his wife or an elders wife about this situation. It says in the Bible ..."where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am among you..." It took me about 30 years to come to the point of truly forgiving my uncle for what he did to me. I had to find the confidence and courage with in myself, I had to learn to pray for guidance and help from God. Then I had to learn how to ask for peace, forgiveness and wisdom of how to face this circumstance that would not let go. Then I learned a very valuable lesson. I was the one holding myself in this prison in my mind. Why was I doing that? This man can do nothing to me anymore! He carries no threat or blackmail - he has nothing on me. I am free to do what I want, go where I please, communicate with whoever and whenever I want. I went and got a piece of paper and sat down and started writing this letter addressed to my uncle. I let all of my anger/frustrations on the paper, I wrote down how he is not able to scare me anymore, (the paper sat on the table for about a week as I was thinking of things to write down), I wrote how I felt sorry for him because he could not be a nice guy because he was so perverted. He would never know how to really , truly care and love people like he should. Then- my heart turned soft as I thought about how awful that must be - all he knows is abuse. That is when I said I am free. You have no bondage over me. - I forgive you of all the wretched things you have done to me! I am no longer your slave! I am free!

Then I signed it. - Just writing that letter, made me feel like a new and improved person! I felt more confident and ready to take on the world! I thanked God for helping me write that letter, I could not have done that with out him. Today, I live a more fulfilling life, I feel free to move and go where and do what I want. Even, when I had to bring him up in a situation such as this, I feel like an overcomer! I can tell my story that in hopes that it might help others.

God Bless you! - I am praying for you!