My life in hell

Hello everyone and thank you for reading this....

I expressed some views you might not agree with and it's ok, just know that i DO NOT wish bad for anybody.

And to all toxics and abusers who will reply to this post - i forgive you, i know you going through the same as me, but not able to be kind, cause being kind is very hard and not everyone can do it unfortunately. Even if i wished you worse, you already have it - YOU UNLOVED. And sincerely to say i wouldn't wish it even to worst enemy.

Today i feel so much worse that i can't even hold myself and not to write this post even knowing it won't change anything.... nobody cares... but i'm so desperate and have never something to lose so here it is....

I was severally abused by my twisted religious mother, by evil brother and the rest of the family. Never knew love and care and probably never will. Was betrayed by so many people in my life, including my best friend that i literally lost a count on how many times people broke my heart to pieces. Sometimes people would break my heart or betray me for no reason, yeah, just like that... so try to figure this shit out...

When my father broke the heart to my mother, she became religious (classics) and she started to get out all that crap on me, by depriving me from games, computer and internet... Did you ever lived without internet in your house for about decade? It was pure hell.... ironically religious school i was sent to was peaceful and normal... i even liked it there are, cause people were there are much better than in the rest of the schools.....

There are so much to tell, but i just tell a few stories as if i tell everything this post won't take it nor emotionally nor technically...

i finally got my pc and internet in house when i was 18. I just dumped my abusive tutor, drop out of last grade of school and started to work on my projects... but nothing worked out despite utmost efforts... even the job i worked on didn't pay me fair amount of money so i quit on the spot....

so there are i was broken, living with abusive mother, though then she was much better and calm as she became much less religious.

eventually i moved to the country where my father was residing - developed country. My country of birth was the most authoritarian and awful country in the world and thank god , who doesn't exist, i don't have blood of this nationality. And in my soul i never was like people from this terrible country. I always felt like i belonged in opposite country of this one. And i dream to move there are everyday, but can't.... even as a tourist i was denied entry by abusive BCP officer.

Today i'm 23 and live with abusive brother. My abusive father supports us as neither of us can get a job. I was searching for job for almost 3 years and found 2 positions from which i was fired for no reason in less than 2 weeks in general. I gave up on job and concentrate on my music and hope to make living out of it. I also pitch my project to companies who might be interested and hope one will be interested to develop it... i gave up on dating apps either and use free matchmaker databases to find love, as i realized that good relationships work only if we have same values.

I'm extremally kind, loving and open person. Someone who would always smile to anybody and help out. I have such incredible social and entertainment projects to make people' lives much better and more interesting, but i'm afraid i just end up like Van Gog or even worse. I can't realize my dreams, even though i still try. And i will never be loved or successful with probability 99,9%. Just because i was born in wrong country, wrong family and wrong body. I'm transexual female, but not that one who won't do complete voice, hormonal, breast and bottom surgery. No one behaves like "man" or "woman". I can raise a girl to behave like a boy and i can raise a boy to behave like a girl. So i don't want to change gender because i feel like a "woman", i just adore female beauty and want to be beautiful, though i always was very femenine - soft, sensitive and loving.

I also want just to say this. Depression always has a real cause, it's not some magical desease that happens for no reason. No one is depressed or lonely - people just fucking unloved just like me. Chemical disbalance is a bullshit and antidepressants never work, i've tried. They help you because of placebo effect and that's all. Antidepressants won't love me, care for me or at least help me find love and care. And if you friend or relative have commited suicide, they did it, because you or the world didn't give them love. If i had good relationships with my cousin, they would never commit suicide... because we all deep down love each other, but not everybody shows it and gives it.

Love is the only thing we people need, but no one realize it. People divide love on friend love, family love and romantic love, but it's only one, pure and unconditional. Love regardless gender, blood, appearance, age or quantity of people you love. Sex is not for reproduction, it's for physical love and connection people share with each other. Reproduction just a side effect, and not all healthy females can give birth de facto.

I want to live in the world where everyone loves each other and cares for each other. In the world where we all relationship' partners with each other like big polyamorous family on the earth. But this world so far away right now, especially with political climate and wars.... So we all divided and forgeting that we all ONE. We started as ONE cell, that split evolutionary on 8 billions of people....

YOU IS ME, AND ME IS YOU. Just think about that.

To wrap it up.... just imagine the most painful emotional and physical pain you can ever have. And now imagine you feel this pain every second, every day, every month.... every year......

People think hell is hecks and boiled pans... i wish it were that way, it would be easy peasy ......... it's something beyond horror and despair

[Dolphin14]

Jey W

I'm not sure what you wrote or what happened.

We are all people that have basic human need to survive but we are all individual and unique. I don't believe any of us are the same

Certainly we all want work peace. I hate to be negative but I don't think that will ever happen.

Navigating this world is very difficult

I wish you inner peace, I think that's one thing we can work on

Wishing you the best

🐬

[Jens44]

Love to you Jey and Everyone going through difficult times 💖

[BeagleHeart]

I don't got much to say in response but I do definitely understand where you're coming from. My wife and I are unable to have children, people in my area often judge us for being in our late thirties and childless. They don't know or care to know we trauma bonded at 13, worked through alot of familial abuse, and have been married 17 years. I really wish people were more respecting of each other but people who haven't the experience of severe abuse seem to not realize a lot of the feelings you have stem from that abuse, valid or otherwise. I feel they often look at us like damaged goods, it's an easy solution for a very complicated problem. In many, many ways we are one, and we're obviously not. I agree relationships are very important, even in regards to sex, in my religious background not having children isn't a sin, but it's extremely hard if not impossible to come to terms with people who confuse their abuse for righteousness. Again, with my background, it's like none of them have ever actually taken the time to read what scripture actually says in regards to couples and children. In my opinion they're conformist, abused or not they don't have the courage to be their authentic self. I wish you all the best and I hope things improve for you sooner rather than later.