Scared for when mom returns. Overthinking escape plans

[No_Longer_Human]

I know i shouldn't say this but im honestly scared for when she returns. I got woken up because i felt like im hearing her arguing with sis in the other room. Soon she arrived and started being her chaotic self and i felt bad i declined to visit a friend in another city but the visit would be the same days they're not at home. Im worried if i can still go next week - pray something doesn't pop up. I need to resocialise before staying with mom and sis again. I really hope his work or friends don't call him to go somewhere and i can go because if im missing my chance to escape and live with a normal person for a while, even after i did all preparations, i would lose it. I just don't feel ready and am too broke for a ticket and want to vote and i just want my last three days home alone and to go when they're here. Even though mom started comming home occasionally... unlike sis who acts like I don't exist. Mom doesn't come for me, she just needs to do laundry and stuff. Get me out of here. Someone adopt me

[Hidden]

I took am gen x. I am 56 years years old and I have made poor decisions all my adult life. The only good things that I have done are my 2 boys. They are wonderful responsible, loving adults. I guess they learned what not to do from me.

I have not kept a job for over 4 years at a time. I have not kept a husband for over 9.

I have recently gained some incite as to why, but it is still not an excuse.

I was a victim of s/a from the time I was 6 by my father. That led to poor decisions about my relationships and so on.

I know this doesn't help but maybe it will help you know you are not alone.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Hidden]

I'm so sorry. Hey, great job on being aware. My mom is allergic to being aware. I would say same - she's gen x and two girls. Thank goodness and my mental illness she keeps a job with many efforts. No husband since 2018, I can't do the math. I feel like it's still 2020. SA is a serious thing. I struggle with c-ptsd and know ptsd messes you up like nothing else. What you went through is terrible and im so sorry. Here we just don't have fathers. Mine first left me at granny's and then left the family. Mom's dad was sent to Siberia by the communists they blindly follow. Yet yours worse. Ah im sorry if im talking nonsense or if i trigger you, mom's here and im panicking really hard, she panicked and now im panicking and i don't know where i am and who i am. And my guts....

[Hidden in reply to No_Longer_Human]

SA does mess you up.I am so sorry you have c-ptsd. I suffer too. It is debilitating. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I can't imagine what your family has gone through with being sent away. Horrible, just Horrible. No words

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Hidden]

I have a question - how did your sons cope? I really can't cope. Maybe because im a girl and really connected to mom or im just a weakling idk

[Hidden in reply to No_Longer_Human]

My sons are fine thank goodness. My memories were repressed. My memories didn't come to me until they were adults and out of the house.

He was never close to them. They know that he hurt me but they don't know the full story.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Hidden]

I guess it hurts me that i know the full story