How to cope?

[JennaSphere]

I'm not sure how to tell my story. I've been experiencing a heavy amount of anxiety since as far back as I can remember. My childhood was rocky. Explosive step-dad. Nothing interesting there. The doctors tell me its why I am the way I am though. My entire existence summed up to the person who molded me. They are right, I'm sure. I don't think there is anything else there aside from my name. Jenna, if you care. At the same time, I feel like existence to me is hindering, not that I'm depressed because I'm not. I just don't enjoy what my anxiety makes me feel on a daily basis. I always feel like somethings wrong. I'm always overthinking something. I'm always tired. I either go manic or shut down when I speak to another human being, if I speak to another human being. Usually, it's a shut down because of the fact I assume nobody wants to hear shaky words come out of a person who is red and sweaty. But that's it, isn't it? The disorder itself? Fear of the words inside someone else's brain. Do they hate me? Is he thinking about someone else? He sounded a little different just now, maybe he met someone? Do they think I look stupid standing here pumping gas in my car? I wonder if that complete stranger has noticed I'm having a hard time figuring out where to sit my hands in my lap so I don't look funny? It's a bit demeaning and silly this disorder. The thing about having anxiety to me is that you're in a perpetual state of chaos yet still self aware. You predict the chaos, you live in the chaos, you talk about the chaos but you also know it's not even there. Talk about crying over spilt milk. You never even had any milk to spill. The fucking sky is always falling (which is only cute when the chicken says it). All this to say, I'm struggling. I'm over the "hardship". I don't want to feel how I feel anymore. I don't want to isolate myself anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm having a heart attack out of nowhere anymore. I don't want to have to need 5 business days to get over the last tiny thing that stressed me out anymore. I don't want to feel like my world is crashing down every time I wake up in the morning. I don't want to feel like a freak anymore.

Words of advice? Even an "I can relate" would do me some good.

Thanks for reading if you did and if you didn't you didn't miss much.

[CLB1125]

welcome to the group first of all. Are you seeing a doctor for your anxiety? Therapy? I didn’t have an explosive father but an alcoholic husband. It changes your mental health. We do care about you here. We all are in the same place as you. We are our own worst critics. I have depression and anxiety disorder. I am working on making myself go out in the public. It’s getting worse but I’m still trying to get through it. There’s help out there. Feel free to share whatever you want to talk about. There’s no judgement here.

[JennaSphere in reply to CLB1125]

Hi! Yes thank you. I am seeing my primary doctor and a therapist. I can't do the medication. I hate so much how it makes me feel so I've been really relying on therapy for the help but honestly my therapist hasn't really given me any tools to mitigate the anxiety in any way. Do you have anything that helps you even just a little bit?

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. Being here, sharing with people who understand has helped me so much. Hopefully you will find it helpful too.

[UnwrittenFuture]

I really enjoyed reading your story and I can completely relate. I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach every morning and it feels like I'm riding in a car with Satan in the passenger seat while a cougar and grizzly bear are eyeing me down from the back seat. The constant panic is so discouraging and exhausting. I'm currently reading some books and watching a million self-help videos. I've tried therapy and it helps, but I've come to realize this will be a lifelong war that will ultimately be won through small steps forward. I wish there was a surgery to remove the amygdala or maybe just part of it.

You are absolutely NOT a freak!