so close to ending it

[doublebassinlove]

title says it all i guess. ive been having a manic episode for the last several weeks and that has left me with horrible depression and even worse anxiety, sometimes at the same time. it's only gotten worse and i feel so alone as all my friends have other commitments to attend to. i honestly have no idea if i will survive the next week. i can't do this anymore. please anyone acknowledge my existence. my existence is the only thing i have left.

it feels so jarring writing all this down because truthfully i don't know if i have the courage to take my life. all i know is, if there is a bottom to this bottomless pit i am approaching it fast

s

[Sry85]

Hi, I know exactly where you're coming from as I've had many instances feeling this way. But there are still the few good days. They may not be often, but they do come around. There's so many people going through this and we are all here to support each other and to get through these terrible moments. Don't give up, just keep sharing and letting it out. Takecare and I'll check back on you! Hold your chin up a little

[doublebassinlove in reply to Sry85]

thank you for your kind words

[Sry85 in reply to doublebassinlove]

Hope you're feeling better! Even if it is just a tad.

[fauxartist]

sorry for how your feeling, I've been there more than once,...At a particularly low point in my life around the holidays some years ago,I went on line and found a community dinner at a local club and went to it just to get out, as hard as it was, yes I still felt my feelings of isolation and loneliness, but it helped., it's might be worth a try to look and see whats around your area.

[doublebassinlove in reply to fauxartist]

being here helps, im quite antisocial in person so it's hard to connect to people because I'm so afraid of them

[MoreThanFun]

Hi, doublebassinlove. We acknowledge you. We see you. After the highs the lows are always worse and that can feel so defeating. I know that your friends have other obligations and, sometimes, it's impossible to get other people to pay attention to our needs without shocking and/or scaring them. But there are people who understand you here and elsewhere in your life that you certainly cant see right now the way you feel. You're not alone.

I don't like to think about having "the strength to end it" even though that's one of the hardest decisions a person can make. I think about the strength I have to go on. To wait or fight or do whatever helps through the pain because your loved ones are there. And they deserve you. And if they don't, seek out people who can give you the support you need, even if it's a few texts a day or a phone call.

Breathe. I feel your pain.

[doublebassinlove in reply to MoreThanFun]

thank u I am trying my best

[Sprinkle1]

Yes I know how you feel, been there tried twice to off myself, got caught both times, right now I am in a bad depression/anxiety. I know my brain in lying to me. Better times are coming, I am on med's and they are slowly pulling me out. Are you on Med's? I would see a psychiatrist If I were you, It was my psychiatrist who discovered I was Bi-polar, put me on Lithium. It works for me plus antidepressant and other mood stabilizers. Please do not give up, you are a worthwhile person, find a therapist to help you and a support group. I send you strength and love + big hugs. Sprinkle 1 xx

[doublebassinlove in reply to Sprinkle1]

thank u for your support. I've been on lamictal and latuda for a little over a year. they work but they effectively make me a zombie. when the medicine is in effect I feel almost nothing and lack energy. my inhibitions peak when I'm on them, and any opportunity to overcome them brings on dissociation. I've never tried to quit my meds but they recently lowered my latuda (antipsychotic meds) a month ago. it felt amazing until I went manic lol.

it's a depressing duality u know? I have to choose between feeling too much and being on the edge of death or feeling nothing at all and effectively being in an emotional coma. writing and art helps since I feel this is a unique struggle but idk it doesn't really make the harsh noise go away. it just brings it into focus