Not being enough...

[LynnSalv]

Well, I will cut straight to the chase: I am feeling like I am worthless or less valueable as a human being, as a man, as a son, as a brother, as a partner, as a friend....

I feel like I have commited so many mistakes, hurt so many people around me, and am not compensating for it even now because I am sad all the time. I feel like it doesnt matter how hard I try, it will never be enough.

I feel so alone.... like I am not worth any effort or consideration. I could drop dead right now and the world probably will be a tiny bit better because all the pain and the burden I cause would go away. Sadly, not even death can wash away the mistakes and the pain I have caused around me.

I do not know what to do, I feel like expressing myself only causes people to lose respect for me or see me as less of a man... I am lost

Sorry for the rant...

[Amiwrong]

you are so young, I’m sure you could not have made such big mistakes so far in you life, but if you feel you have, why can’t you address them despite the depression? You don’t have to be “fixed” or in the ideal state of mind to be able to open up to people and express remorse or regret, or whatever you feel.

You didn’t ask for this illness, and neither did the close people around you. You are hurting too. You don’t have to fix how they feel about you. You just have to accept that this is where are are in your life, and work on that. It’s up to others how they deal with it or don’t deal with it. There will always be pain within families, with death, illness, disease, and mental health is no different. It’s all a part of being human, it’s what families endure. No one wants it, no one wants to be “the one” causing it, but we all will be a burden to someone at some point, that’s life.

Do what you feel you need right now, write letters, talk, to people you feel you should. Then let that go and focus on you. You are putting more stress on yourself by worrying about how others are impacted. Put that energy where it’s needed, inwards. You need your head a bit clearer in order to do that.

My heart goes out to you.

[LynnSalv in reply to Amiwrong]

I consider myself responsible for the divorce of my parents, so by extension I am responsible that my brother and sister grew up without a father, that my mother lived alone to support us 3, that we had to endure hunger and economical issues, I consider myself responsible for all of that indirectly. I often stopped eating to leave more food to my brother and mother and just filled up on water to drown the sensation. I dont know, everything points out that it would be better is I was not here...

And I know I should just accept it, it is just that... I feel like a burden and that specifically I am not worth the trouble. If it was anyone else it would be normal to help and be sympathetic, but towards me? I dont know...

Thanks for the recommendations and the nice words ✨

[Amiwrong in reply to LynnSalv]

I understand how you must feel and that thinking any differently is not easy and may require much therapy, but I will add a couple more thoughts if you don’t mind. Having children in general can often turn parents in the direction of divorce. We can assume, they may even say, it’s because of the burden of an unhealthy child, but really, we couldn’t know if there was already something not working between our parents, and perhaps some other stressor could send them over the edge.

What if it was one of your siblings, would you blame them? Would you feel this strongly if the extra hardships such as poverty were not there?

I work in a special needs school. The rate of divorce is shockingly high. It’s higher among those with lower economic status, but is happening for everyone. Many parents who are together live in a challenging environment. Those with money are able to get outside resources that help their family. Given such high rates of divorce amongst this population I would suggest that it’s partly a societal problem. Lack of resources, support, understanding, community….

Perhaps the narrow picture of how you see it is actually bigger, with more dynamics and influences if you looked at it through a different lens.

You are here on earth and have just as much right to be here as anyone else. Change your mindset change your life, you have a long road in front of you. Whether you blame yourself, or you don’t blame yourself, the outcome from the past is the same.

It’s easier for me to give advice than to use it myself sometimes, but sometimes words from someone else may have greater impact. If not, that’s ok too :). You are here, you are trying, and that in itself says a lot 🤗

[Windsorgardener5087]

This is the place to talk in a safe and caring environment. We value your thoughts which we don't consider to be rants, rather an expression of what you feel.Please continue to contribute. Yesterday is done. Tomorrow is coming. Today is here for you. 🐈‍⬛

[hypercat54]

Have a look at this

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxic...

[hypercat54 in reply to hypercat54]

And this

wikihow.com/Understand-the-...

[worthytobeloved]

Hello, my love. I'm so very sorry you're feeling so bad. That's the trouble with clinical depression - it's hell on earth. I'm wondering if there are any reasons why you feel so bad about yourself? Have things happened that have made you feel that way? If so, do you want to share? (It might help to talk about it). Regarding you feeling worthless - excuse me (!) - who was it who did without lunch to save his mother money? - who was it who stayed up most of the night to make a beautiful bouquet for someone he liked? YOU!!!

You say you don't feel you can express how you feel because people will lose respect for you. I actually don't think so - I think they will be sympathetic and understanding. Remember I advised you about being honest about how you felt in the past to someone you liked, and I was thrilled when you told me "It worked"!!!

If nothing else, keep on posting here, where you have people who understand and empathise. And be kind to yourself - I think you're lovely! (In fact, if I could, I'd make you a bouquet)! Take care, lovely young man. xxx

[LynnSalv in reply to worthytobeloved]

Hello, sorry for getting lost again. It hasnt been a good couple of weeks. I have been thinking about a lot of things, not many are good. I guess everyone could make the things that I have made but without the troubles that I have caused. I just feel lost, replacable, lonely....

I have such a deep fear of abandonment that I fortunately can supress showing very well but it makes my heart fill up so fast with negative emotions, I do not know what to do anymore.

And yes, I remember, she is a very supportive and lovely woman, she is very kind towards me, but I do not want to abuse that kindness by flooding her with negative emotions or laying burdens on her.

Thanks for the disposition I appreciate them so much, if I could I would make you something too ❤️✨

[worthytobeloved]

Oh, poor you - I'm so sorry for all you've been through - the accident itself was bad enough. However, the accident and what's happening afterwards is not your fault. It's not your fault that your mum had to pay money, or that you had to miss college, etc. I bet if that happened to someone else, you wouldn't tell them it's their fault! I think you are still recovering from the shock of the accident, and are naturally feeling downhearted. Also, the clinical depression may be playing a role. I hope and pray these feelings of guilt, failure and hopelessness pass over quickly, and that those who like and love you can show you how precious you are. You are not a failure - you're just very sensitive and more concerned about other people rather than yourself. And remember - we all (on this site anyway) feel as you are feeling at times. It's called 'life'! Take care, dear friend - you will be in my thoughts especially at the moment. xxx

[LynnSalv in reply to worthytobeloved]

Thanks so much it all means a lot to me 🤧

I know I wouldnt be saying the same things if it was someone else but... it just feels right, you know... It is probably the disease that makes me think like that but I still think there is a little bit of truth to it...

The girl I have been telling you about was very supportive to me 🤧 it felt weird getting so much positive attention for something I think was my fault but, she helped me so much. She made me a "get well soon" card and drawing, she was always attentive towards me, helped me get my mind off of things, everything. She is so very special.

You know, she spend part of the day of my birthday with me, she buyed me cake, gaved me kisses and hugs and even gaved me a gift of something I told her I wanted from the first days that we hang out. She is so special I adore her so much 🤧❤️

I could show you everything, youll surely like it too she is so very special. But at the same time, now I feel like I should shield her from the stuff that happens in my head. I would not wish to burden her with stuff like that, but it just feels like I would. I fear she will get bored of me and just leave or abandon, like another girl I was talking to like 5 years ago. I would wish to overcome this fear of abandonment in a more healthy way, but I am still struggling with the sensation, you know.

I always think of your words whenever I think some stuff, you have been incredibly gracious to my life and I cannot thank you enough 🥹❤️ I will have you in my prayers, and I hope everything is going well for you ✨

[worthytobeloved in reply to LynnSalv]

Bless you! We all feel we are not good enough, even people who don't have depression. None of us are perfect. However, I think you are lovely, kind, thoughtful and sensitive, and that's just from talking to you online. But you have a lovely girl who actually knows you well, and who really cares for you - so even you must agree that you are ok!You've been through a bad time, and there will be other bad times in your life (just like there are for everyone), but you are a worthy human being with a lot to offer. I'm so glad I know you - you have helped me a lot too through our conversations. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. xxx

[LynnSalv in reply to worthytobeloved]

Thank you 🥹 I also think you are a very kind and thoughtful person. Im glad to have run into you here, you have been a blessing in my life ❤️

I wish you peace and tranquility, and I hope you are having a nice time away from anything bad or annoying (like your neighbour jajaj). Bless you and those around you