Being a burden to people, insecurity, isolation, and a loooong rant about similar stuff

[LynnSalv]

Hi community. I return to rant some more because this is the only place I can safely vent UnU I will burst inside if I do not share my feelings and thoughts with someone, even if no one reads this. The only (real) close people to me are my mom, uncle, and two friends. I am a burden to all of them, I hate myself so much because I am certain that if I was not alive or by myself, they would have better lives.

I have been seeing someone these past few months. We met the first year of college. We do not study the same thing, but the first year here is just general stuff every career has to go through. I already know english (bad english hahaha but still), and I could pay 250 of our currency (like 10 USD) to approve all english courses. But... I didnt want to be a burden on my Mom with 30 dollars for the 3 courses, so I took the classes. We met in those classes, we were both 17 at the time. I can say that taking those courses was overall beneficial because I could meet her and now, 5 years later, me having 22 years and her having 22 turning 23, we met again. The circumstances of our meeting were so precise I sometimes get astounded at it (details are super long but if someone out there is interested you can ask me :). We already knew each other, so reconnecting was not hard at all. She is more extroverted, she looks super cute and most importantly she has a heart of gold. I like her a lot, and she feels the same. I had my first kiss some weeks ago (weird for a 22 year old to never have kiss someone but I was not attractive at all growing up and my emotional problems really gave me no chances to ever meet someone, although I prefer it that way honestly. Hooking up with people just for lust is something I think very low of. I prefer to connect with people on a more deep level, something more significant. But I digress.

The point is, I am having major insecurities right now. She says that I am super pretty and these past few years people have commented on it so I definitely had some sort of glow up even tho I still see myself as ugly. But she really likes how I look, how I act, my values, my way of approaching things, how considerate and kind I am to her, everything. But man, I feel like she gets disappointed with me sometimes. It is literally nothing, I have no evidence, but I dont know, I feel like a failure. I am afraid she will eventually come out of her infatuation and see me for the horror I really am, physically and personality wise. She is very very cute, various guys have hit on her in her carreer. I have this intense fear of abandonment and that I will lose everything I am getting attached to right now with her. And to make it all worse, she is graduating in september and I still have 3 years more of college (for some context, she studies business administration and I study medicine. Her carreer is 5 years and mine is 8 years). Obviously, my carreer being this long, it is natural that this would happen, and I am super proud of her because she has grown as a person and overcame a lot of obstacles to reach where she is right now. But still, I feel like when she graduates, my worth will be even less compared to her and there will be less reason to stick with me. Man, I fear abandonment a lot, I am very reserved when meeting new people and despite hanging out with a fair amount of people in university, I only consider 2 of them to be friends. I feel so alone. My mom is supportive of me, but I hate so much having to bother her so much. Of the 3 of us, I am the only one that thinks of her wellbeing. Help her around the house, buy her things when I can, being patient and calm with her, and so on (my brother is extremely passive, he does nothing for no one basically. My sister is outright abusive and rude, even has hit her in the past, and even when they are fine she fights over the smallest of things with her). This may sound stupid, but sometimes I even skip meals because I feel like I do not deserve to eat and that me not eating can help cut the costs of food my mom has. I do not want to be another problem in her life, she has already so much going on taking care of 3 people on her own. I feel trapped, I have nowhere to go.

I feel super toxic because, due to the fear of abandonment, I am extremely jealous of the people that I consider close to me. I obviously do not act out on the feeling, but the feeling is still there so I still feel resposible for it and bad for having it.

And worse of all, the girl I have been seen these months does not want a relationship just yet. She says we need to wait a little more, but my overanalyzing ass just thinks that she is not serious, she is just not that interested, she thinks the same thing about our careers since she is about to graduate, and so on. I gave her time, I want to be a supportive partner, someone who she doesnt feel pressure or uncomfortable with, but man I am a mess. I feel like I cant even tell her because it is super controlling I think, and I do not want her to think I am forcing her to accept anything or being controlling. But I just dont know man, I am a mess. The "hollow chest" sensation is starting to return, I am feeling hopeless and that I am not worth of anyones time. I cannot even study properly due to thinking this, I am a failure. I feel so alone in the world right now, like no one cares or wants to help me go through stuff. And right now I may have 5 supportive people in my life, but eventually I feel like I am going to be abandoned by everyone, and the feeling of loneliness that comes with this feeling is something else wow, it is so real and so heavy. It may be artificial loneliness, but I feel trapped, I cannot be the real me to people. People do not like depressed men, it is "pathetic" (in my case I guess it is pathetic, I prefer not to discuss it to people).

My classmates do not even remember the meltdown I had last year when we got together, it is clear as day that I am no one to them so I can not rely on them. I would like to go to therapy or to the psychiatrist or something, but again, I do not want to be a bigger burden on my mom with these stuff. I want to punch myself until I am calmed down, it is a cheaper solution. But it is such a short term solution that it is not effective.

Sorry for the loooooooooong rant, as I stated, I have no one I can rely on to share whatever is in my chest. Sorry if it comes across as desorganized or all over the place, I am just writing my heart out. And sorry for any english mistakes, if someone miraculously reads all of this.

Thanks to the community for the opportunity to share my heart with people who can understand, even if no one reads it haha

[LiamMC]

You're more a man than many a man I've known, from a chile to nearly. I can't believe English is not your first language. Sounds like everyone is a burden to you, not you to them. They're obviously not a burden to you, maybe just not contributing enough for you. You sound like a really cool guy. I enjoyed your story and sharing. There's an old saying here....What's for you will not pass you. That means, what is for you, is for you, and nobody else, nothing else will work because it is not for you. Do you mate, you got it, live a little. Well done! 🔥🕺🏼🔥

[LynnSalv in reply to LiamMC]

I try to be a good person in general, and after our father abandoned us I adopted sorta the role of men, for my younger brother. I had to grow up really fast, I do not know if that has to do with it but it is the only thing I can think of to rationalize it hahaha

And I do not consider them a burden, I just feel unloved. Although I do not want retribution just for being nice to people, that is not the correct approach I think, but I would love some love from the people near me. I feel so alone UnU.

Thank you for your kind words ❤️ the old saying maybe applies to the relationship issue since, so I will keep it at heart thank you so much ✨

[LiamMC in reply to LynnSalv]

We have very similar paths, few differences, but I find some key matches are all it takes from the way we are shaped. Protectors, lovers, authentic, wounded and a little lost. Great to engage with you in the forum. Really looking forward to seeing how it all works out for you. 🌀

[WickNeo]

Wow, that's a lot of feelings, doubts and fears for such an accomplished young person. Medical school is an accomplishment especially if English is not your first language. First of all congratulations on getting into medical school. Second of all, the university may have therapy services for students that won't cost your family money. Third, learning self-care can only help you deal with all the stressors in your life. Eating, staying hydrated, taking vitamins, exercising, having a hobby and getting a depression screening from the school clinic may help you prioritize your anxieties. If you can’t get a therapist, a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy might be helpful.

Most friends and family are not qualified or trained to handle mental health issues that they don’t have themselves. I don't know if the UK has warm lines (Not a suicide hotline) when you need to talk to someone if you are worried about your life, your potential partner, your family, school…

I've been there. I'm here right now. I'm finishing my Master's degree, with a concussion, while moving to a new apartment without much help, started a new job and doubt myself in as may ways as possible. I graduate in August, but my job continues through October/November as I learn to use adaptive technology to reduce migraines, light sensitivity, hearing problems and chronic pain.

I'm not going to say, “This too shall pass,” but you will find a different coping strategy with help. Medical school is hard on the mind and body and support should be suggested by the University. Perhaps couples counseling could help you express your issues with your friend.

Best of luck to you on your path to mental wellness! It's good to start learning about better mental health in your 20’s, rather than in your fifties.

[LynnSalv in reply to WickNeo]

Thank you so much ✨

The university does have options, but one of them requires a long waiting list that I probably wont be able to attend to because the hospital we study on is kinda far from the main university (maybe 1 hour walking) , and I am starting my next rotation next week. I am probably going to go to the psychiatrist next week...

And I am not from the UK I doubt in my country there is a warm line. There is a suicide hotline that I had saved when I felt horrible last year but I do not think it would be good to bother them when my suicidal ideation is tame right now.

Congratulations on your Masters degree ✨ that is so awesome if you have come this far, you will adapt well on your new job, so keep hopes up

And, even tho I want to, I will not take credit for taking steps in my 20s, since this happened since I was an early teenager. I waited too long actually XP I am responsible for the state that I am in right now. But better late than never I guess.

Thank you for your kind words and advice ❤️ I hope you have success in your new job in October, and congratulations on your masters 🥳

[WickNeo in reply to LynnSalv]

Better late than never should be my motto. lol. I’m in the US, but a lot of members on here seem to be UK based. Sometimes random people can be kind when they hear you’re having a rough time.

Maybe a community center or mental health care center has a social worker who can help by listening when or if you need to talk.

Allow yourself to accept praise for your actions, if possible. We are hardest on ourselves, or I take too much responsibility for things I have no control over. It makes me sadder when I’m already super stressed. I don’t cause the gas prices to be super high but feel guilt for not taking the time to search for cheaper gas on an app. I’m overburdening myself when a little grace is required. “In order to get home, I need gas. Turn the pump off at $40.” That I can control, never the weather though. 😂

[LynnSalv in reply to WickNeo]

I am super critical of myself, I do not like me at all. Growing up, during my teens, there was a time when I hated myself for being a man I remember. I think there are two big factors on that. First of all, I hate having any semblance or similarity to my biological father. Even today, for example, when I sit down on the couch and relax, I feel like him when he did the exact same thing in the exact same pose, a normal thing and a normal pose, but I feel strongly related to him nontheless. The second one is a lot of thrashtalk people did about men during the time. Things that were said, like "all men are unfaithful, all women are being harmed by men", and things that were done, like the time my sister was physically assaulting my mother and I intervened to prevent my mother from being hurt by her. She left a lot of bruises, scratches, a lot of blood all over my hands and chest, she at least wasn´t able to reach my genitalia when she tried to. But everyone was on her side, consoling her because I grabbed her hands too strongly (me grabing her by the wrist was what prevented me from being beaten even more and my genitalia to be unharmed). I still remember that day very clearly, it makes me feel like I do not deserve the sympathy due to the "men hurt women" thing. Once I proposed a female friend of mine for me to go and cook lunch at her place (she lives very very nearby, like a 5 minute walk from where we study) and even tho she knows me for years and understands my character, didnt want me in her room as if I was going to do something to her. She may have her reasons, I did not tell her anything, but it made me feel hooooooorible, like I was abusive and needed to be kept under control.

Sorry for the rant, I just write and vomit random thoughts when I am feeling "weird". Only here I can express myself, so sorry for you having to deal with it 🤧

[WickNeo in reply to LynnSalv]

I’m pretty sure most of us have intrusive thoughts about things we can’t control. Writing about it gets it out of your head and validates that you lived the experience. You have the right to express your self without apology. It’s a safe space here.

I’m sorry you had the experiences you described, but you are worth more than you think right now. Some much wiser other member talked about reframing our thought patterns by stating positives about ourselves.

My doctor wants me to do journaling to understand my anxiety, PTSD and depression triggers. He doesn’t put much stock in therapists, but I do. A lot of therapists are in the field because of their own traumas. Hearing a person say, “you’ve come a long way,”or “you’re making progress,” helps me feel better when everything feels dark, bad, negative and overwhelming.

I try to be positive, but some days are hard and the conditioning of negative family comments can affect us for most our lifetimes. “All” statements regarding men or women are meant to throw shade at the original bad actor, but it takes a well-balanced parent to support each of our children’s needs because those childhood memories and perceptions cause, IMO, long term self-esteem issues, depression and anxiety.

You can never predict anyone’s triggers, but your friend may have had her fair share of triggers that had nothing to do with you. Heck, I’d have to clean for seven hours before I felt comfortable with someone in my apartment. That’s all me, though. I’m also paranoid about having Children’s Services called because I’m disabled and can’t do regular simple house cleaning. Once again, my life experience intruding on a normal thing like having people over at my house.

Life is messy and complicated. Everyone is in the process of sorting themselves out. Most people don’t admit their flaws. It’s a long journey to wellness…welcome to the path. :)🍾

[Tracey0101]

I read it all and I hear you and understand your feelings bless you it's OK to rant how you feel