TW for emetophobic folks like me.
After what happened these days, the scandals with my drunk mother, trying to plan my escape and life, grandparents finishing me, having to take care of them and mom because dad fleed, my health has declined. I'm waking up nauseous but i was too medicated to vomit. I had to book even the call to the emergency line, they couldn't talk to me. I can talk to a psychologist earliest at friday. My friend could have saved me, i was going to visit but he ghosted me. I could have booked Monday, i could have gotten out of home to think. Now idk if i want or can visit him. I'm too weak to even do my walk, to even go to the supermarket. My stomach is torn from acids and i need to eat but when i do, i need to throw it up. I can't get up from bed, I can't eat, I can't walk, I can't socialise. I called a lady from a support group in my university city i visited once before my therapist gave up on me. The lady said my family has absolutely ruined me and they don't even see it. I needed someone to see this as the tragedy it is. I don't want justice, i don't want an apology. I want just to be able to eat again. I just want to be able to walk again. I cleaned the house and cooked for mom but i feel like im going to collapse. I only want to be listened to without people defending dad. I love him. Just this is East Europe. This is gen X and gen Z. I said i miss dad, hinting his absence ruined mom. My grandpa said "i carried my dad in my hands till the very last time". Meanwhile when i asked dad what I'm going to do with my mom when things get worse, he just said "you will leave her in a nursing home". Probably he wants me to do the same with my grandparents. It hurts. I feel like the roman solider excetuting Jesus. I feel like Jesus paying for dad's sins. I'm 24 and everyone is telling me "you're old, you have to take care of ur elders" meanwhile everyone is defending dad who's almost 50 starting a new family with a 25yo and moving across the country. Double standarts. Misogyny. I feel like I'm dad's mom instead of dad being my dad. I don't blame him. I was on the phone "i miss you" i said but he had already hung up. He thinks he's a millennial running away. I feel like a millenial. I will have to take care of dad's parents and ex-wife aka mom while i can't even take care of myself. I'm lingering and fading. I can't stop crying. I'm medicated all the time just to not lose it out loud and be an inconvenience to mom. Yesterday at 2am i got my insides out and almost just passed away in the bathroom. I'm emetophobic and I didn't even care. I just wanted to sleep. Nothing more painful than slowing losing your sanity and life. It's been at least 4 years. I'm 24, i guess it's time to d1e. Everyone is always reminding me how old i am. I can't even take care of myself. I can't even live my life. I cook and eat just because im scared of mom. I sleep only when im medicated. I don't see a future for myself... Idk whether to go to my friend on monday or whether i will be able to. Travel so many hours. And I'm not okay. I bought a voucher for yoga in August but because of my mom's tantrums around the labour market i couldn't go and when I went, they kicked me out. I should have at least letted them scanned the voucher so i can try to go now. Now my money are lost or i should call and beg and hear "you had time". Anyway. I have a dollar to buy stuff to cook with, my body is numb, there's no blood, my stomach is itchy. Agony is agony
I can't take it, I'm feeling suicidal
Most days I'm sick mentally and physically
