I have been working with a therapist on some personal issues since last February. The last weeks though, that my mental state got a bit worse, I realised I wasn't really connecting with her on an emotional level, but, as usual, I've tried to give it another change these last weeks. She asked me questions or made statements that showed me, very clearly, she did not actually get me or important circumstances affecting my life currently and or throughout my life. For instance, something I'm very tired about, is that she does not acknowledge the pain my family has put me through over the last years, and the fact that they keep on being profoundly toxic to me, even causing me to move to another country to get away from them.
I have told her about it more than once, meaning, I have clarified this circumstance to her, and I thought she understood. But when today, that I was feeling particularly emotional, I told her about how lonely I feel in needing to cover up my shame and trauma to protect myself, even moving to another country, she said "maybe your parents do not understand you because you haven't explained that to them".
Wtf!!! I have a family that abused me emotionally all my life, and even though I'm an adult and I know that healing does not depend on any sort of family apology, but on my inner work, changing habits etc. she insists on looking at them as of they were some 'neutral' force or someone I can trust and confide my innermost feelings. It makes no sense and it feels ridiculous that someone suggests to have an open hearted conversation with abusing people. I was doubting about whether I could trust this person but after today's session I AM DONE with this therapist. I don't think she will help if she doesn't want to understand something that's actually very basic and central in my life experience.
I feel sad, unsupported, that once again, I feel that I cannot trust any therapist. Is anybody feeling the same? It's very discouraging and I feel I will never get better.
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Northwestern
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Hi Dolphin, thanks a lot for your post. I feel I have to remind her about family situation when she's had many chances to get it, it's not that difficult, I think.
Then it's offensive that she guides me into kinda making peace or being ok with them as they are, when they have actually caused me a lot of harm and it is still emotionally very unsafe for me to see them. She gets me in many senses but gaslights me to some extend when it comes to family dinamics.
Unfortunately it has happened to me in the past that I feel judged very easily or misunderstood by therapists. I am aware I could be projecting me own conflicts outside, but, in that case, this doesn't change the fact that, if the therapist is not skilled enough or motivated enough to work through that I simply feel I cannot go on, because I no longer feel any safety.
Being genuinely interested in your client is something that cannot be faked in my opinion and given my experience, yet I believe that it's needed (more so if you've already had a lot of relational trauma in your life).
I've had personal experience with people telling me I " need to forgive" not therapists but others.
I felt I shouldn't have to forgive someone for hurting me and causing me a life of emotional pain. I've done well in my recovery without feeling the need to do that.
I think we need to follow our gut instincts. If none of this feels right then it's time for you to move on.
It's probably like my therapist sitchuations they are case loaded n over booked so individual care isn't so good,I'm I'm same boat n dealing w severe anxiety episode,now my insurance not funded so no therapist outta the blue now,and I really need the help and someone to help me as I have no support here,I had to relocate after my brother took his own life now caring for my elderly sick mom,which is very depressing n draining mentally n physically..I despise whete I am in life now..
I have had many wrong therapists over the years. There was a period when I was in debt because I was going from therapist to therapist determined to find someone who could help me. It’s difficult because I needed someone who could go well beyond the basics of therapy. Unfortunately it takes more than just a free consult to know if they are going to work out. At $200-$300 per 50min, it’s crazy!
I finally feel like I found someone who is looking at my issues from a different perspective, which is what I wanted. Finally seeing how family trauma impacted my life and relationships still.
How much therapy have you done before now? Do you know what your therapy focus should be?
I agree with everyone here -- time to get a different therapist. This one clearly isn't working out. (She will be good with someone else.) I think I am on my 7th or 8th therapist in about 33 years.
The one I have now is really good , but he doesn't understand. He asked me at the beginning if I needed him to understand and I said: ''No, I needed him to be effective''. I didn't care if he understood. There are times when he clearly doesn't understand... usually it's a male-female thing. BUT I AM GETTING BETTER. Just saying it isn't necessary to have understanding to be effective. But, the therapist has to listen and it doesn't seem like your therapist is listening. So sorry for that. We all deserve to be listened to and heard.
I saw a therapist once for anxiety and she was just as anxious as I was. I switched therapists and found a good fit. Sometimes you need a change, and sometimes it takes a while to find a good fit. I feel for you!
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