Feeling Guilty About Wanting to Talk About My Depression

[bedroomblues]

Hi everyone, it’s currently 12:22am (my local time) as I write this, my first post. My roommate is asleep. I skipped classes today because I wasn’t ‘feeling well.’ Not entirely untrue. I don’t feel well. But not for the reasons I pretended to be; “I think I just have a stomach bug or something!” While I know that’s not true, my stomach has been tying itself in knots today, and yesterday, and my brain has been telling me you can’t do this, you can’t do that, you’re worthless, you’re pathetic, you will never amount to anything. My body is tense and uncomfortable and the physical and mental feeling of impending doom and simultaneous worthlessness is overpowering. And it is so hard to get it to stop. I’m currently on 200mg of sertraline a day, and when I went up to that dosage this summer, I felt like a whole new person!! Now, I can feel myself falling back into this...emptiness mixed with despair? It’s so hard to explain in words. But I told everyone I was doing so much better. My parents, my friends at home, my roommate and friends here at college. So now I feel like I can’t go back on that. I can’t tell people I’m beginning to feel not all right again! My mom and step-dad don’t really understand it. My mom thinks I should just magically be cured because of the pills I’m on. And my step-dad thinks that “this is just life, and everyone’s got to deal with it.” And my friends and family, they can’t do anything about it! So I feel like such an attention seeker when I ask any of them to talk about how I’m feeling. How I’m doing. Because their advice is pointless, and I feel guilty making them feel bad, and even if they want to know what’s going on with me, that guilt perpetuates all my horrible thoughts, about how no one really cares, and that I’m a burden, and that I should just shut up. So I don’t really talk to anyone. I guess that is why I joined this forum today. Because maybe I will find people here who will understand? And before you say therapy—I was doing therapy. I loved my therapist a lot, she helped me through the last two years. But she closed down her practice and got a 9-5 job as a school psychologist so she could be with her kids more. And while I logically and completely understand that, the irrational side of me also feels a little abandoned by the one person who really got me, and felt for me and my struggles; not only my mental illness and the cutting and the suicidal thoughts (at the time, I’ve stopped cutting for a while), but all the crazy and fucked up things happening in my life with family and friends and all the bullshit that has occurred in the last few years of my life. While I’m trying to find a new therapist, I just keep thinking no one will really get me like she did. I don’t want to go to a new therapist who doesn’t care, doesn’t know anything about me, probably thinks I’m being over dramatic. And my only option right now, because I am a broke college student with no healthcare, is to go to the therapists on campus behavioral health services. But even that comes with twelve, one hour sessions that beyond those, I’d have to pay for. So in conclusion, I really don’t know what to do. I feel so alone, and lonely. I’m not sure what answers I’m looking for on here, but at least I have a safe place to write this out. Because I earnestly do not want to burden people that know me. Because that makes me feel like I need not exist even more.

[Lakewolf]

You are NOT a burden here! I had the same thing happen, & they had to increase my Zoloft. I’m currently on the highest dosage possible (200 mg), & sometimes I still have problems, but not as much.

My psychiatrist agreed to put me back on 2 mg of Klonopin 3 times a day to get my anxiety level under control. Saw an eye dr. who said I was having a series of small strokes, & my regular doctor just blew it off. Had to tell my cousin, who’s having a lawyer send a letter on what my cousin will do if anything happens to me (spoiler alert: my dr will be working for the rest of her life to pay my medical expenses IF my cousin allows her to keep her medical licence.)

[Byelka in reply to Lakewolf]

Woah why were you having strokes?

[Lakewolf in reply to Byelka]

Migraine with aura 24/7

[Byelka in reply to Lakewolf]

because of anxiety?

[Lakewolf in reply to Byelka]

No. I inherited migraines from my father.

[Lakewolf]

Oh... you,re already on 200 mg of Zoloft. Maybe you need a change of SSRIs.

[Byelka]

I totally get where you're coming from. I feel so guilty about how I feel some of the time too. I had a similar feeling about therapy in the past, not really because I was seeing one who closed the practice, but when I was in college I went to the counseling center, they had me do what I think was a depression screening tool, and because my answers didn't seem severe they referred me out, which at the time was so overwhelming for me I ended up not going, leading to me feeling depressed, alone, and unworthy of help.

I know now that I am worthy of help. Remember that some of your feelings about seeking out a new therapist (the thoughts that no one will understand like your old therapist) are your depression talking. The worst that can happen is that you go and you don't like them, then you're no worse off. I do hope you find a therapist at your counseling center that works for you.

Are you in the US? If so have you applied for Medicaid? Mental health services are covered.

[Tillycat1]

I don’t even mention how I’m feeling to anyone now and use your saying “not feeling very well” all the time. Hate saying depression or anxiety incase you gets the looks of “she looks fine to me”. Was at the docs the other day for a review appointment and she asked me how I was, I burst into tears, it’s been the first time in ages since someone asked how I really felt and not that stupid “how are u” that means nothing. Anyway lol sending ❤️

[rach1402]

It's not your fault you're having problems and you're not a burden. You've come to the right place to talk about your feelings where you can feel safe and free of judgement to talk about anything. Not everyone gets it and people close to you care, they probably just don't know how to handle it. If you talk to the right people it can make you feel much better, I feel like I'm understood here even though I've never met anyone from the group face to face. I can identify with a lot of what you said but it's not your responsibility to make people understand and accept your anxiety and depression, not everyone will but be kind to yourself, you're not letting anyone down. Everyone needs help with something at some point, you're not a failure or a disappointment, you're not well and you need the right treatment to get better. Don't give up on therapy, you didn't know how much your old therapist was going to help you before you met her, the next great therapist could be just around the corner. Is it an option to keep in touch with your old therapist? Maybe she can recommend a good therapist for you or perhaps she could still see you from time to time during school breaks if you're back home and she's at home with her family, in a different room. It wouldn't be the same as regular appointments but it would be nice just knowing she's there for you. If that's not an option, maybe just keeping in touch over email or Skype if she's happy to do that?

I hope you find something that works for you soon x

[techguy]

I totally understand as I have had on and off depression for the past 18 years I just recently went through a one year period of having depression and anxiety and no if you don’t have those you don’t understand what a person is going through so it’s not even worth talking to anybody they can’t understand I went to an acupuncturist for the first time a few months ago on someone’s recommendation and it totally cured me not saying it works for everyone but it’s definitely worth a try all the feelings that you have are totally natural when suffering from depression

it’s a blockage in the system that makes us feel this way and again nobody that hasn’t had this would understand. try reach out to an acupuncturist that has treated people with depression and anxiety.that is my best suggestion for you

Just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel

[debbiegk]

You are off to a good start by sharing your feelings with people who do understand. Depression is something that you can't "just get over it" or it is not "just life". It is hard for others to understand until they've experienced what you have. You are valuable. You do matter. Even though you feel your mother doesn't understand, she does care and can help you get the tools you need. Depression can also cause physical issues, so share with your medical doctor as well. Just know how you feel is important and so are you. I want to share some information with you that perhaps will help: bit.ly/2x4NUx1

[debbiegk]

I am sorry, the link is bit.ly/2dzXD4Q

[puglove0093]

Others have said it and I’ll say it, too; YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! I know it is difficult to not feel that way, but the more you believe it yourself, the easier it becomes. Our emotions and feelings are natural and real. I’m also sorry that your therapist can’t meet with you anymore, but it’s still good that you can at least meet with someone on campus. It’s just good to talk it out with someone, especially not a family member/friend. Also, I don’t think you should feel bad about telling your parents/friends you aren’t feeling as good because who in life is always steadily on the incline?? NO ONE! We all go through hills and valleys. Highs and lows. I actually know of a free service, all you have to do is call them and they’ll set up an appointment with a licensed counselor. I know its hard to pay for stuff in college! Been there, done that. Here is the number if you need it: 855-382-5433. I really hope you start to feel better, I know how draining and hard it can be. Praying for you!