Hell + mom trying to arrange me a marriage (I'm an European not brown, here it's not a tradition or something)

[Against_the_current]

Okay my sister is sick since a week with vomiting. I'm really worried for her and i rush to the supermarket for juice and baked bread and dietic stuff all the time. I also cook for mom so she bears it. Last thing I need is mom going mental. So today i was already tired, mom arrived and sis started yelling at her for not wanting to go to the doctor mom choose and sis doesn't want to go to mom's doctor neither. Mom argued and sipped. I was shivering. I could never talk to mom like that. Mom was breathing heavily and texting. I got worried. Then i saw her smiling. I knew it would be a man. I panicked. She started telling me about him. My soul left my body. Don't get me wrong but i don't want a step-father. He could go to me or my super hot almost 18yo sis anytime. And then she said something that both relieved me and disgusted me - he wanted to marry me. As i predicted. Thank God it's not her tho. Mom asked him what his parents are called so we call the baby after them. Yeek. I'm suffering gender dysphoria and I'm on medication and I'm mentally, physically and financially unstable - I can't carry a pregnancy. Even because of my injury and weight, leave alone auras, depression, meds, svicidal tendencies and wanting to live my life. I want to find out who i am. I don't even know my identity but I'm sure I'm not cis-het and I'm tired of people asking me to have kids or how im having kids. This is misogynistic and homophobic. I want to figure myself out. Also I'm abusing pills and i should not carry a new life. My mom didn't plan she wasn't ready for me or that she was abusing alcohol. It's selfish to bring kids you have no idea how to raise. I can't even keep myself alive. I'm having insane headache. Aspirin, paracetamol and it's still on. To be sane I need to get out of here, but to get out of here i need a job, but to get a job i need to sane. I'm stuck

[CLB1125]

Im sorry for your plight. Is there any place or organization where you can go if you’re an adult and don’t feel safe? Do you have any place that can help you if you’re unable to work for medical reasons? Your mom surely isn’t thinking clearly. The alcohol she is consuming is clouding her rational thoughts.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Oh no 😭

[MaggieSylvie]

Job, or no job, you need to get away. You know that. A retreat would be good - another country. I dream. Take care of yourself and don't let anyone try to tell you who or what you are, or to take charge of your future. Somehow, you have to take charge yourself, but you need to be well. That is a priority.

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

I know. I have to be well to get away but i need a job to get away and i need to be okay to get a job. I need income to get away. Especially to another country. I don't know how to get okay

[MaggieSylvie]

You have to do the best you can with this viscious circle. You may have to do something drastic to get help. Perhaps the first thing is to get help to be okay.

[Against_the_current in reply to MaggieSylvie]

I thought i might have to push myself to commit to one of the other points of the vicious cycle but I'm starting to see the first step should be to be okay