I am in a TON of pain

[Riley2001]

My lifelong struggle with severe depression and anxiety continues. My symptoms are crippling. I have stopped working and am waiting for a decision for social security/disability benefits. I am in a miserable living situation with my elderly mother which doesn't help. I am so desperate for relief I have started attending church services. I am just reaching out to the universe for help. I feel all alone. I hope I can keep going. I am very frightened.

[gajh]

You are not alone. You are here with us. Keep reaching out to the universe.

[Riley2001 in reply to gajh]

Thank you. I will.

[Agora1]

Riley, I know how frightened you can be right now since this is an added responsibility

on your shoulders. Taking care of one's self requires stamina and perseverance.

The pain both mentally and physically come from your being overwhelmed right now.

Try finding some quiet time for yourself where you can just have some "me time".

A time and a space to call your own. May this help regenerate your spirit and bring

you some pain relief even for moments. I care xx

[Riley2001 in reply to Agora1]

Thanks a bunch. I am going away for a few days tomorrow. I think that will help.

[Agora1 in reply to Riley2001]

Enjoy your "me time" Riley. you need that xx

[Hidden]

You're breaking my heart, Riley. You deserve to be happy; wish I knew the proper thing to do. I do know how you feel - I have no friends or family. Reaching out never seems to work, with my social anxiety. Having a counselor could really help; do you have one? Sincerely, Irene

[Riley2001 in reply to Hidden]

I am seeing a therapist. I have a lifetime of mistakes and regrets and cannot forgive myself. Sometimes I do not feel like I deserve to be happy.

[Pitalife]

Sounds like I wrote your post, my lil brother killed himself and I had to relocate 1300 miles to care for wheelchair bound elderly mother,and she's in bad shape,I suffer w chronic pain and depression and crippling anxiety,they took away my pain meds and anxiety medsn I'm a mess,stomachs bleeding from too much aspirin and itc meds,each day I wish I was dead,and I don't wanna feel like this,I wish you luck on ssdi it's tough if you where illegal you'd get it seems these days..it's all a mess,stay in touch....lol...

[Riley2001 in reply to Pitalife]

Keep going. I hope you don't stop reaching out. May you find hope soon.

[Hidden in reply to Pitalife]

So sorry about your brother, a terrible thing to hear and accept. Sounds like you need a new doctor....... There are agencies that can give you relief and hope - I went to Catholic Charities - you don't have to be Catholic, and they helped me tremendously. How do you sleep, with all this going on? I've had years where I wished I were dead. My oldest brother died recently, and no one told me about it - I had to learn about it in the newspaper. Same thing with my mother. Some family! Sounds like you need some kind of support from someone.....

[Pitalife in reply to Hidden]

Hi joe,yes I got guidance counselor n meds but the severe anxiety n depression push on through the chronic pain makes life not worth.living n getting pain meds here in druggy Florida really is horrible,very bad place for Dr's even my counselor told me about it she hears it all the time, I especially need a pain med in the morning, it's very dire n I'm trying,but it's just not enough w mom in wheelchair putting it in car and doing the things she needs I get her day going all that helps is laying down flat,I've gained 70 pds,I miss a functioning life..so sorry about your brother it's very rough to cope w,my best friend was just killed 35 yrs we where very close his son shot him dead 2 months ago,it's crushed me cause we shared our feelings n experiences I'm so torn w all this n mom's getting really bad..

[Hidden in reply to Pitalife]

Hi Pita, Wow, losing a best friend is the worst thing; leaves a big hole in your life, not to mention your grief and your own physical pain, What about legalized pot? I live in Spring Hill Fl, and there are places to get that. The stuff makes me sick and paranoid, but that's just me. I think you can call 411 when it's not an emergency, but you need help. I know there are Senior agencies that can help you with your mom, and yourself. Where in FL do you live? Every county has something like that. Let me know.......

[Pitalife in reply to Hidden]

I have my mj card but the costs are nuts, mybuddy that got killed was in legal grow state n he grew my high cbd strains n made edibles for me but that's all ruined, I hope to get outta florida I'm in wpb east coast hate this fkn place,weather,people,attitudes,etc,until I can grow legal again I'm in ship w out a motor...sucks but way it goes I guess...fla mmj program blows too I was in new mexico before I had to move the 1300 mile trek to this swamp..I have ton high cbd cbg strains in seed form so until I can grow legal again there on ice..

[Zhangliqun]

What do you fear will happen?

[Riley2001 in reply to Zhangliqun]

I fear dying.

[Riley2001]

I am seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I have gone through outpatient treatment for depression twice in the past 3 years. I have been taking medications for 30 years. I am resistant to medications. I think my case is cognitive and spiritual.

[Zhangliqun]

There's no avoiding death for us so no sense in letting it kill you over and over before it actually happens.

Yet your anxiety over it is not entirely misplaced. It's evidence of a homing device built into you.

There is something about death in its very nature that is not just tragic or ugly or scary or unfortunate but intrinsically, outrageously wrong.

In John 11, Jesus, the king and creator of the universe, gets word that his close friend Lazarus has died. Even knowing that he will shortly raise Lazarus back to life, Jesus bawls like any grief-stricken man or woman. Why??

Without this inescapable sense in Jesus -- and in all of us -- that death is the ultimate marring and vandalism of God's creation, Jesus' reaction makes no sense. Lazarus was gone for effectively a 3-day weekend, as if he was on a short vacation or business trip, what's the big deal?

But if death really is a curse, even one microsecond worth of it is cause for tears. And Jesus grieves with us in our bereavement.

But a few verses earlier in this chapter, he tells Martha: "I am the resurrection and the life; he that believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live."

"Though he die..."

Whether suddenly in an accident or by slow wasting disease, we will experience the curse of death, there is no getting around it and no making it pretty.

"...yet shall he live."

And how -- because if we place our faith in the one who has personally defeated this last worst enemy, we will live forever in a paradise unimaginable, described by the Apostle Paul (who got a glimpse of it) this way:

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love him."

-- 1 Corinthians 2:9

It is not just physical comfort and the absence of death and pain, or nonsense about playing harps on clouds, but a totally new kind of joy that we see only the faintest glimpses of in the purest scenes of beauty in nature and in the purest, most tear-jerking expressions of love and selflessness here on earth.

It will be worth going through even the scariest earthly death many, many, many times over.

Jesus did, and he blazed the trail. Let's follow him. All the way home...

[Riley2001 in reply to Zhangliqun]

I sincerely thank you for all that you wrote.

[Zhangliqun in reply to Riley2001]

Did it help at all...?

[Baily]

Oh! Riley I can feel your pain. depression is sooo debilitating you can't think straight. Like you I had to give up my job & was desperate I thought there had to be SOMETHING more to life,a reason so I went searching. About a year later I was in a Church listening to the sermon and it realy got to me, after that we were singing THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD I SHALL NOT WANT. I couldn't sing it, I knew it well but I just could not open my mouth, for the first time I realised that God was not my SHEPHERD I was. I hope you havnt fallen asleep on me. Well 2 month's later I gave my life to the Lord and have never looked back. I still get bouts of depression but now I turn to Jesus & he helps me through it. I have a peace & joy that no human can give me so I will pray for you that you to will accept Jesus into your life & give you the strength to overcome. God Bless you.

[Riley2001 in reply to Baily]

Thank you for your prayers.