I am or am I at that point?

[deadmanwalkingSCH]

I have lived with depression my whole life. Do I want help or do I need help? Where am I at now and what should I do?

[Sillysausage234]

Do you ?

[Hidden]

Are you sitting on the point of a pin dmw?

I feel your pain.

I love your choice in music.

See someone or phone someone dmw. Ask for help.

In my worst depression I used to turn over pebbles on a beach, in my mind, not for real. I would look at the memories under each one and try and find reasons for why I was sitting in a huge black hole, so that maybe if I just understood how I got there I could figure a way out.

See someone or phone someone dmw. Ask for help.

I would get up out of bed and shower each morning because my Mum had let me come to her home after hospital. I had to fit in with her life...out of respect....not because she made me.

I found a crumb of comfort each morning as I made my bed. No matter what, I would be sleeping (with medication) in it again in a few hours. I wanted to be out of it. I wanted everything to stop. For a while. Finding a better place in my head and heart was so elusive.

I guess I found a few more crumbs and followed them.

See someone or phone someone dmw. Ask for help.

[deadmanwalkingSCH in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your support. The only people that understand depression are people like us that have depression. I tried getting help but after a while, they will get mad and give up on me when it comes back. They think I was cured or something They think I'm not trying hard enough because I didn't do everything they told me to. Doctors don't care, they think it's all in my head, I tell them no shit it's in my head. Doctors only care about how and when they get paid for doing nothing. When you tell someone about it, it makes them uncomfortable so they stay away. I don't have anybody anymore to call, I just want to live forever Not giving up yet. Thank you again. your friend Steve Hedrick

[Hidden in reply to deadmanwalkingSCH]

Hi Steve

I pushed people away while I felt so hopeless and vulnerable.

I look back now and see how their offers of a visit to a cafe or a swim at a local pool were meant kindly. One friend would pick me up occasionally and take me to a folk club she ran with her husband. I would accept these invitations but then want to be taken home shortly after arriving. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be anywhere.

I think events in my childhood laid the foundations for my depression/s, as happens with many of us.

After a stay in a psychiatric hospital in my 30s I was fearful that every down day was leading back to a major depression. Occasionally I was right. I think it was because I never realised how important was to look after myself, by learning how to become emotionally intelligent (still working on that one). I always took on too much, beat myself up over the smallest mistakes. I’d cry for hours at a time not knowing why.

I have had a lovely life full of adventures. Like you, I kept going and kept learning how to manage my mental health.

I recognised that things that make me feel nostalgic are a big no no.

You probably won’t believe this Steve, I took most of my CDs to a charity shop. I kept a few. They are in a drawer somewhere 🤔 but even if I come across them...I have nothing to play them on now.

The 2 songs you have posted links to make me want to get a Spotify account....resist, resist.

[Hidden in reply to deadmanwalkingSCH]

images.app.goo.gl/w84jo1DDL...

[at123]

I am so sorry you are struggling. I admire your courage to reach out for help.

I understand how confusing it can be to know what to do next. Would you consider talking with someone about your struggles, like a doctor or counselor?

Please know that you are not alone in your struggles, and your life is so very valuable.

Hang in there. Praying for you!