I am a new member introducing myself and I am in crisis

[Pbennett2613]

Some of you have already corresponded with me. To those of you, I thank you. To the rest of the community, I really need a way out of this acute crisis I am in. I have been bedridden for a week, cannot talk to anyone. So nauseous and exhausted and freaked out, that I can't even handle daily personal care. I cannot eat or sleep. I only shake nervously. Some of my biological systems are beginning to shut down. The interruption of my autonomic system is particularly uncomfortable, such as simple breathing. Ideas are welcome. I promise not to just be a drain on this community. I really also want to help others. This is only a partial description of my issue, but at least I am trying to make a helpful step forward. All my best to you. Pam

[Vrt14]

Is there anyone who you can call? Sometimes I am afraid to go to the grocery store alone and I don't have many friends but usually am able to find someone to keep me company. People usually love to help others in a time of need because it makes them feel more useful. Where are you located?

[Pbennett2613 in reply to Vrt14]

Thank you so much. To answer your question, yes I can call and have been calling my son and I live in Tulsa OK now. I have no other friends or support. I intentionally chased off everyone, so I could stop pretending to be OK and to avoid any expectations. I have been struggling with anxiety disorders since I became self-aware at about 18 months of age. I have tried to get help through counseling and support groups. I have now emotionally and physically degraded to the point that I am experiencing full blown Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia and clinical depression. I am nowhere close to where I need to be to be able to function. Forget about leaving the house or going anywhere, I am too afraid to leave my bed. I made an appointment today for counseling yet again. Don't know what else to do. Your input is valuable to me. Thank you. Pam

[BunnyMomma18 in reply to Pbennett2613]

are you able to try online counseling Pam?

[Fishmonster]

Hey Pam

My heart breaks for you

I wish I had magical words but I can try to give some advice

My first memory I have is when I was three-year-old my mother coming at me like a monster

I was suicidal in second grade in the crap just kept coming from then. I've had my share of hospitals and medication and still trying to get over issues now

Between you medical and physiological it sounds pretty bad

Have you ever been hospitalized to help you with this or are you on any medication?

Seeing a counselor you should be seeing one that deals heavily with anxiety and depression I know from my experience that they are not easy to come by

Not having anyone for support and not having anyone around is a bad recipe. Even if you had someone once a day to call to check in

What can I help you with what can I do to take some of this burden from you?

[Lostjoy]

Hi Pam, I've been pretty bad myself since Feb this last year. You will get better, but you have to push yourself. I couldn't get out of bed either, and still have some days where I have to fight with myself to get up. I find that once I've had a shower I can function some. It's still a struggle to not go crawl back under the covers.

Maybe try and find a local support group you can attend. I found one in my area. Everyone in the meeting is so understanding because they all suffer with similar issues. Here's a site to search for one in your area..

dbsalliance.org/site/PageSe...

Click on find support near you on the right hand side of the page.

Keep posting here as long as you need to, or pm me if you want to chat.

Wishing you well.

[Pbennett2613 in reply to Lostjoy]

Thank you so very much. I will have a cogent reply when my mind clears a little. Later today. Much appreciation to you. Pam

[Pbennett2613]

Thank you. Thank you. So much you wrote really resonated with me. Such as: disfunctional family. When I entered 1st grade, the school called our neighbors to determine if my parents were beating me. They saw how fearful I was. I was being physically abused, but my parents did not have the skills to recognize (or even care) that their actions toward me we're tatamount to emotional abuse. I survived by pleasing them or by running from the situation. I have been successful my career, I have a master's in environmental science, was a highly paid professional until I could not do it anymore - about 5 years ago. I have also been a successful, scholarship athlete and college scholar and this was all occurring while I was trying to raise my son alone, while almost nonstop travel and moving as I climbed the career ladder. I knew my chosen career path was killing me, but I didn't see a way out other than death. I have had several suicide attempts beginning at age 19 years. That is not an option

I have been institutionalized a few times and that made me exponentially worse. Counseling since my early 20's and am seeing a psychiatrist, but he is not given me counseling. He is just managing my psych meds - Prozac, Xanax and Ambien. Yes I am trying to find a counselor who is expert in anxiety and depression. I have had many counselors, but only one was any help to me. I will shut up now. Your input is valuable to me! Pam

[Pbennett2613]

Editorial Correction. Above I mistated that my parents were physically abusing me. It was emotional 'abuse.' But it was not intentional on their part.

[blackcat64013]

Hi Pbennett2613,

I am feeling your pain here.

I figure a home visit from a visiting doctor would be the best thing right now.

Google search doctor+home+visit+Tulsa to find some help coming to you at home.

Once the crisis is over, we need to talk mental health plans.

Wishing you all the best

[Pbennett2613 in reply to blackcat64013]

I am determined to go to a counseling appointment next week. Instead of home health care. I would from embarrassment, if I showed that weakness. I am slowly regaining some strength as I try to make myself eat. It is helping. I have lost so much weight that I look as if I went through the holocost. That alone is helping and I usually only eat nutritious food. YES - a written health plan and follow it

That is the next and concurrent step after beginning counseling with the appropriate counselor, right? Thank you. Pam. I want to be clear on my direction.

[BunnyMomma18 in reply to Pbennett2613]

it's not weak to suffer from anxiety...

[Pbennett2613]

I am writing this because I want to. I have finally realized (stayed up all night figuring this out, but it has begun helping me know that everything really is going to be OK. I may not sleep until I fully incorporate this new perspective/perception. But I will eventually sleep and stressing about how or when won't change it. Just healthy action on things I can influence. Because I will find a way to be ok, I will find a way to get better. I may suffer until I get there. It doesn't matter, I will not be able to give up. Sooner or later, it will be ok

I may be in short term misery, but I have no choice other than to handle it, so I will

Period.

I need a few more skills or experience to get there. Quite simply, because God (as I understand God) has plans for me, and I can only keep trying. Then I will be ok. I may even be ok now, but I still need to fully incorporate this knowledge to make this easier to live with everything.

Even if I have to suffer until I die, it will be ok, I have my immortally happy life just waiting for me when I die. I just have to try to ensure that I do this by keeping moving forward. Finally knowing this has given more relief than I can express.

This would be easier with the proper assistance to fully incorporate this. A specialist in anxiety disorder would be good, but I can at least start. Never give up. Either way I will eventually be ok. I just want to find assistance and a doctor specializing at least in anxiety disorder with enough life experience and specialized knowledge without having become so set in their ways that they are not open to different and better information. This make the recovery process easier, but no matter what, I will be ok. Thanks community for letting me share.

[Sunsetting]

PAM this is sunsetting. Please PRAY Jesus is the only one who can help us.

[Pbennett2613 in reply to Sunsetting]

I can't tell how much I am beginning to know that now. My existential crisis is beginning to resolve. As long as I keep taking actions, that I think will help, then will help me with the rest, no matter how much I have to suffer. Praying is part of my belief system. It is God's plan for me, so it is ultimately good for me. With that knowledge, I will continue to get better. That is my belief system. Thank you for contacting me

[Celtic27]

Pam can i start by saying you wont be a drain on the group everyone is welcome no matter what the problem may be ! Please try and eat at least something small and drink some fluids as dehyration can affect you a lot ! I would say go to you doctor and get checked out and get some treatment for what you have suffering from take care david

[Pbennett2613 in reply to Celtic27]

David. In the past couple of days, I have gained insight to feel a little better, as long as keep doing what I can. I know I will get better. I will not lose my mind or die before my time. I do know that if keep trying, I will eventually get there. I just wanted to communicate that to you.

[BunnyMomma18]

can you go to the hospital Pam?

[countryboy1]

I can start by saying to you that I care about your well being, really this whole community cares for each other. I suggest the following

1. Please continue posting in the community. I really love your post because you explain exactly how you are feeling. When I describe my feelings I feel better, please continue doing this.

2.Make little victories. Go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, give yourself credit for doing small things.

3. Recognize that you are doing your best, you are trying.

4. Recognize that we here in this community are not judgemental. So please be yourself.

5. Recognize that you are not alone, we all have struggles,

We care about you!