Work hasn't really started yet, but I'm already dreading it. Tomorrow our pupils will be here... I teach science and math, this year to 14/15-yr-olds.
I had hoped I would feel rested and well-prepared at this point, but of course not. I have been avoiding work during my vacation, apart from the digging-holes-in-the-garden variety.
Things to feel grateful for: Wonderful (grown) son, looking forward to his gap year. Husband is happy at new job. We are all mostly physically healthy. No huge money worries, even though every month is a bit of a balancing act. Sun is shining today. I have an appointment with a therapist in two weeks. My co-workers are a lovely and supportive lot. My car is still running. There are tons of apples on the two trees in our garden (but maybe this is a curse rather than a blessing?).
Things to beat myself up over: Still haven't lost the weight I've put on over the past 3 yrs. Haven't prepared for the semester's work. Haven't started drawing yet (convinced I'll disappoint myself so much that I can't make myself do it). I'm not doing the exercises that the physiotherapist ordered me to do, at least not as often as I should. Haven't figured out what to cook for dinner tonight. As usual, I'm lazy and I'm a coward and I'm stupid. Haven't spent as much time was I should have with my disabled mother.
Things to be sad about: Being who I am. Looking like shit. Being alive when my brother is dead. Not being anywhere near as wonderful as my sister. Not loving my husband. Not having a purpose in life. Being fundamentally untalented at everything.
It's like when you're sitting in a waiting room at the dentist's. You know you have to distract yourself for a bit, and there are some old magazines lying about. That's OK, you'll only have to wait for a few minutes. I'm 58 yrs old, with some luck (?) I could be around for another 20 yrs or so. It's a long time to spend distracting yourself.
Written by
2L84x
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
And of course trying to find self-help advice just makes me feel worse. I should challenge my negative self-talk - is it really true and factually correct? Unfortunately, yes. Feeling down? Do something that brings you joy! Hmmm, difficult when depression makes everything feel like a chore.
It would be nice if I could remember a time when I was not depressed, with self-esteem issues etc. Then I could use my memories of better times to paint a picture of what I wanted life to be like. But I can remember feeling and acting like this when I was 5 yrs old, and continuously since then. #FailedHumanBeing
There are days when I feel I can do no right, and I feel at fault for everything that goes wrong, even things beyond my control. I try to look at the things that are good in my life -- like the few good friends I have and my wonderful life partner of 42 years, she has been the best wife anyone could have. There are other bright spots that recall when down, but sometimes the anxiety just overwhelms everything and I feel like I can't breathe.
I used to be a teacher, BTW, all boys catholic school. Don't smile till xmas.
Your post really resonated with me. Your honesty about the good and bad within yourself/life is something I need to confront my mind with. I never allow myself to have it both ways it’s either things have to be “Awesome!” “Amazing!” “Great!” Or things are terrible, awful, this is the worst life ever. Your transparency made me realize these are the types of questions or statements I should be making within myself. Not being able to regulate my emotions and constant negative self talk is majorly due to me not being honest within myself, or allowing myself to vocalize when I’m not okay. I appreciate your post so much friend. Really happy I came across it. Be well. ♥️
Thank you so much for your reply! I know that a lot of the time I do what you describe, this black/white thinking. It's like the negative voice inside won't let anyone else say anything positive. When I say "I'm a worthless failure", and someone (usually ChatGPT) replies, 'Come on, you have done some good things that you can feel proud of!', I feel like they are right, but I won't admit it! 'No, I've never been proud of anything in my life!' Totally unproductive. I wonder why I do it?
Same. Hoping to heal from this, as it has caused me to self harm for years all while hiding behind a smiley face mask. The mind can be such a double edged sword. I see a psychiatrist weekly and we talk about a trait called “toxic shame”. It’s basically defined as:
Toxic shame is a chronic feeling of worthlessness and self-hatred that can be harmful psychologically. It can develop in childhood or adolescence when someone is treated poorly and internalizes that treatment as a belief about themselves.
Been in pain internally my teens, twenties, and now into my thirties, I accept that I do have mental illnesses but I don’t have to let it define my whole life anymore. So happy to have found this forum and community.
From your description, I'd say toxic shame plays a big role in how I feel too. It took me forever to realize that I had mental illnesses. First I thought everyone else felt the same. Then I thought I'd outgrow it somehow. And then I figured I felt bad about myself because I was bad (so the feeling was rational). I still feel that way sometimes.
But it's such a relief to read your words: I don't have to let it define my whole life. I should have that tattooed on the inside of my eyelids!
I feel certain that you will heal. And I want to believe that I can, too.
To someone like me who finds the hard sciences difficult and maths impossible I envy you your talent in these areas.
You are doing a very worthwhile job in teaching youngsters and playing your part in moulding young lives which could have a lasting good effect on them.
I admire you for being able to give so much to so many as most of us wouldn't be able to do that.
Thank you so much for your kind words!❤️ They mean a lot to me.
I wish I were a good teacher, then I could feel like I was doing a worthwhile job... but I struggle with maintaining classroom discipline etc., which makes it hard for any kid to learn anything! I feel this is related to my low self-esteem; on some level I really don't feel that I'm worth listening to. But I'm working on it.
So sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and strained I can understand your "not ready for students and school to begin" feelings. I too am a teacher and feel the ldread and ack of preparation creeping in.
I love that you recognize your positives and things to feel grateful for in your world. So many of us don't, or can't acknowledge the good things. I commend you for seeing the positives.
Your stresses are realistic, and they are relatable. I learned, from a great therapist, that self-compasion is invaluable. Once I learned to forgive my own human "shortcomings, " my life improved tremendously because my anxiety about everything decreased.
The "problems" didn't disappear, of course. However, it became feasible for me to overcome them and move forward with less strain. "Don't beat yourself up," has become my mantra.
I too tend to neglect my elderly mom. I've avoided working to lose my extra 15 pounds this summer... And for many months. Once I learned that it's ok to allow some self-grace and forgiveness, I became less depressed, less frustrated and more able to get through my worrisome challenges.
This is not easy to do. We hold ourselves to high standards. If we feel we fall short, we are accustomed to scolding or punishing ourselves.
I encourage you to try to forgive yourself for human "shortfalls." This will likely be more productive as you strive to meet each of your goals. It is ok to "miss the mark" sometimes. And recognizing that will boost your energy and peace.
You are worth it. You recognize that you aren't intentionally "bad or wrong." It is evident that you work very hard to make a good life for your friends, family, and pupils. There will be mishaps along the way. Give yourself grace as you overcome the barriers. 😊
You sound an amazing person! You are so perceptive about your thoughts and feelings, and can think of the positive things, in spite of the things you feel are wrong with you. We are all like that - none of us is perfect. I do sympathise with your anxieties about the new term - but what a special person you are to have been able to do teaching at all, especially young people of that age. I'm glad your colleagues are nice, and I'm sure a lot of them are feeling the same way as you before term. Best of luck!
I'm a retired music teacher. I always had this "don't want to go to school" feeling before the start of every term, and especially the start of the year, and I have heard a few brave souls admitting to it too. But it's always alright once you get going, isn't it? It's a difficult age group. Sometimes, a question to the disruptive group can work, like "What aspect of science excites you the most?" It might help you to set up your curriculum with a bias towards their interests, or, whatever answer you get could just motivate you a little more. Often, the real work of planning doesn't begin in the holidays but after the term starts, though, we have to keep that to ourselves. I wonder what you think. Caring about it must go a long way to making you be a good teacher.😊
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Just want to say...
First Post
Happy New Year celebrate yourselves 
This is just my fault, right?
Productivity guilt
