I don't have a title. Ok, once more unto the breach, how's that?

[Nothing_but_books]

So I spent time in psych hospital just recently after my breakdown, when my husband let me know he is not coming back home, he has a girlfriend, and they are buying a house together with his inheritance -- he also said he saw a lawyer to make sure I keep my hands off his money. Seems "she" is wonderful.

I'm out of the hospital one week. Husband put his arms around me, and told me how much he loves me, and how attractive he finds me. I am needy and depressed. He is warm and loving and we make love. I'm hurt and lonely. I need to be held. He said he wanted us to work things out to be together. Last Saturday.

This Friday night not so much. We have problems he prefers not to deal with. He never has problems to deal with with "her".

Spent yesterday sick, panicked, unable to eat at all, drugging myself to sleep.

Talked to him. "Don't make a big deal out of this... You'd better calm down."

Couldn't function at all today. Sick and panicked.

I do not need to end up right back in the hospital. I feel stupid, used, sick, every bad thing I can, and helplessly out of control. I am so angry at him, and I forgive him for being human like me. I don't know what I feel except wounded and alone. And betrayed. Sometimes. Maybe.

I want to blast him with how freaking selfish he was and is. I want to beg for a chance.

I hate myself.

[Freedom57]

Your husband sounds like he has Narcissistic traits

Sorry you're in so much pain, I can relate to some of the things you've shared

Don't give up on yourself, try to take care of you, and listen to your inner voice

Hugs

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Freedom57]

Hug sounds great. (Guess the sedative is working. Now the tuning fork is barely vibrating.) I like it.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Freedom57]

Easier said than done. Giving up to depression and panic when fighting them fails me is what I have.

Gee I wish I had any idea how to take care of me. Can't even say I'm down to basics, way below that.

May I? Hug right back atcha!

I am fascinated with the screen names people choose to represent them... Freedom57 sounds as though it has a story. I would love to hear, if it suits.

Take care.

[Freedom57 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I chose Freedom57 because I've lived under the control of Narcissistic men my entire life, beginning with my father, I just broke free from hopefully the last one February 29, when I physically left him, then went no contact 3 weeks ago, and I'm 57 years old

I have so many stories, many of loss, and betrayal but I refuse to give up!

I'm in a lot of emotional & physical pain myself, feels difficult to keep my head up at times. So wish I had a friend to talk to that understands the Depression & Anxiety are out of control some days.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Freedom57]

You can write to me anytime you like. I hear your refusal to give up. I'm glad for you.

But the depression, panic, and loss I am weighed down under do not make me a pleasant companion. Still, I can listen if you want to talk.

[Freedom57 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I feel better getting outside walking, fortunately I live near the beach, and this helps me clear my head a little

What do you like to do, whatever it is start doing it

I like to read, and just finished a book I got lost in for about three days(Danielle Steel)

I still have depression, and anxiety but feel better when I move my body

I'm working on loving myself, and this takes time, and work

What we focus on, becomes bigger, something I recently learned 😊

I also like listening to Joyce Meyers, and motivational Ted Talks, anything to get out of my head

Hope you get some relief, pain is a huge motivator for me

Blessings to you Dear one 💐

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Freedom57]

I want to thank you for your encouragement, before I continue.

I'm lost. I do not have the ability to do what I have loved all my life. I loved to walk everywhere. I cannot take a step without pain now. I loved to read all my life. The drugs the doctors poisoned me with destroyed much of my vision, and severe depression impairs my concentration. So my books have largely gone. I have found such joy in music all my life. Now I am terrified for a song to come on that tears right at my heart, rips open the wounds that have no scar tissue over them at all.

I struggle every day to expand my world. But I am starting all over, from a baseline defined by pain.

[SarcasmIsFun]

I seriously don’t have any advice that is healthy or constructive....but I’m down for revenge planning. My ex was a horrible piece of work too. Karma took care of him. Stay as strong and as kind as you can during his manipulations and I will pray to karma that he gets his.

[Witsend8]

Sweetheart, ii had a breakdown too when my now ex had gone on a,'working away trip', i got delivered divorce papers. I sat in a cornsetfor 3 months and just cried. I wanted so badly to die, and tried but my life saver, bestie, drove hours tocknocm on yjr door and shouted she wont go away until it was opened. I couldn't amswer a phone or anything.

Well here i am, lucky we never spoke to each other again as he left then returned to keep an sys on hid real wish, money from the house sale.

He had others most of our almost. 20 years of marriage amd it broke me,but loved him enough to hope one day it would stop. It doesnt and never will, that old saying of leopard never changing their spotd, its right. Dont let him into your bed, its control he wants, that's a way of control, look at what he csn be infecting you with.

I know also at this point, you wont care either.

A friends husband hadvit happen to him and he told me to give it 18-24 months and it gets better in that time. I didn't believe him and just wanted to die.

Here i am, 2.5yrs on and all is ok. Living alone for the first time in my life is hard, but found beautiful neighbours who are lovely and help and make me feel welcome.

Read about narcissistcon, you will realise when you have healed a little. Dont think its just you, ots you and thousands of others.

Taketcare,do things now that soothe and uplift you, takr good care and here for you xxx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Witsend8]

To me, you seem about as far from wit's end as you get. So glad you found someone to help you through. Jealous for me. No one. But glad for you.

No family. No friends. Why? Feel as though I must be defective in some way that marks me for all to see. No light at the end of the tunnel, alone, alone, all alone. It hurts.

I feel used. He offered me what I want and need, loving arms to hug me, kind words about a future that he wants too -- then a new sunrise and he doesn't want any of those things. How could he?

Stupid. Stupid. Pathetic. I can't get through without tears.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

(((((((Hug)))))))

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

Star light

Star bright

First star I see tonight...

You have been there for me time after time. I remember.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Awww 🥰 love you soooooo!any time I will be here for you.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

I will do my best too. (Danger: best not so great anymore.)

[Witsend8 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Look, 2 yrs ago, i tried suicide a few times, my best friend moved to Spain last year. Now I have noone, except next door who kindly shop for me. Im two years on, i remember i was exactly the same, wanted him to stay, i would have died for him i loved him that much. Two years on, i know it was best to be alone, he won't ever ever change, nor will yours.

Like you i miss a hug, so i have one cousin i see, not this year tho, so its seldom. Noone else. So im totally alone too. Yoy get to find other routes, you will get through it, i know because i didnt believe back then either, that i would, i didnt even want to try!

I almost got committed due to my mental health and i almost jumped off a bridge but police stopped me. My ex had me arrested and locked in a cell for 23hrs, so that's how I was treated.

Sometimes im still at my wits end, i dont cope, can't think, but get through the day, go to bed and tey again the next. Life has to be one day at a time, because noone on earth knows if they have a tomorrow.

Lots of love xxxxxxxxx on your side and understand more than you think. X

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Witsend8]

"I am he as you are he as you are me

And we are all together..."

Funny. I don't want you to understand so much. Why should anyone suffer this hell. (Not question. Rhetorical.)

It's too much.

[Witsend8 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

But i dod amd to some extent i always will. Because of him, i can no longer trust a man, so can never be involved with anyone even if i wanted to, which i dont. Dont think that csn ever happen. I still watch a programme and hear a song, or have radio on and hear a song, i see a place we went to, i still get hurt at times. Then i remember the years and years of hurt of knowing about the affairs etc.

No l listened to my friend husband who had gone through it too, i honestly didn't believe him either so i know. I remember it like yesterday.

I have someone who was very youngs organs inside me, so i try to carry on for them and brave family who let me have them. Give it time, time does heal. You will want to stay with him because you know it, remember how hurt you are now, and if you carry on, will get hurt for years to come. Honestly you will because I did that too.

You are not alone and neither was i, there are thousands of people who go through this all the time. Lots of love and hugs, huge ones xxxxx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Witsend8]

I live what you live. Music has been part of my life for as long as I remember, but now I am terrified I will be overwhelmed by hearing a song I can't bear anymore. I am frightened of the car radio. I can't comfort myself listening to old albums that once gave me joy.

I am alone. I cannot touch any of you here. The endless days and nights of hurt and alone are too much for me.

I need your kindness, and advice, and good wishes.

But a computer does not hold your hand when you cry.

[Witsend8 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

No a computer doesn't, but works can be recorded and played back. Look years on for me, and i still cry, i always will most likely, its just i now have the time and distance to be able to cry and then pull myself together. That's taken me almosy 3 yrs so far, that's the difference, you are still in that hurt needing comfort and understanding stage. You will hate me for this, but i admit i didnt want to either, i ended up calling samaritans and mind for help, samaritans purely listen, they both only tell anyone if they think you may harm someone.

Its a voice an understanding voice, im also happy to give you my number if that may help you. I dont want to presume,, but sometimes just someone to listen helps. Take care, its very very very early days for you, i couldn't have even posted like you have been brave enough to do xxxx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Witsend8]

Witsend8,

I can't hold back my tears. Presumption is the last thing you are offering. I can't do it. I can't stop crying. I hate myself that I can't grab the hand you are offering, but it is me I am judging. I cannot bear any more hurt. I'm scared.

How can you call me brave? I can't even reach out of my hurt and fear for a lifeline.

[Witsend8 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Because you are very brave listing it on here, I wasn't Ghostbusters all. I couldn't even go out of the house for months,the first time I heard the term narcissist,it was from a councillor my GO organised,because of how I was. Over &over,I just told evrryone,I just wanted to die. I didn't think I could ever carry on as I didn't even want to. He had even convinced me that I would die without him. Someone said one day when did he go,I anzwered,and then said the date that day, then said,if you will die without him,why haven't you?

That's why I say you are brave this early on. You will probably cry for time to come, I'm years on from you. I can give you my number if ever you want to speak to me,it's probably far too early for you.

It's a natural process,the only ones who don't cry,is the party who have gone. They have had a very long time to think about it and prepare themselves. Your partner is of course not going to refuse sex is he? It won't ever stop him going as he's made that decision. He will just go and have sex with the other one afterwards! That's how some men and some some are.

Sorry thats blunt that I'm afraid is now some people are. X

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Witsend8]

Message me any time you like, of course. But I know I am too frightened to reach out. What do I have to contribute at my end but pain and tears?

Thank you for sharing your brave story. Bert Lahr jumped right through the window, remember? He asked for help. How'd that work out? Yup.

[Freedom57 in reply to Witsend8]

What helped you the most when you were alone after your break up with your Narcissistic

I feel so empty but refuse to get back with or talk to my Narcissistic husband

[Witsend8 in reply to Freedom57]

Goodcfor you, i wouldn't ever even give it a seconds thought, in fact if he was dying infront of me, id laugh then walk away crying. Even now. I had someone in the village in their 80s who sat and listened, let me cry, but gave me hard but good advice. If only id been strong enough to listen back then. Some random bus drover saw me crying after a solicitor session and just hugged me, made me cry more i must sdmit! Only time helped me that and some medical help when i needed it. Id say talk if that's what you need, get someone like samaritans to just listen, if that's what you need, but above all, good solicitor and time. It's the only true healer xxx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Witsend8]

I hear you. I am trying to get through. It's so hard.

[Witsend8 in reply to Freedom57]

Knowing i am better off without him, i still love what a Councillor helped me realise was my in love with my wish to be married once and forever. I partly hated him and part loved him so much i couldnt imagine life without him. Councillor said but theres only 1 him not two different versions. Its just one, but that was at least a year post the initial break up. The divorce was horrendously hard, took almosy 2.5yrs,court 3 times. I had help from gp, hospital and psychologist help from my transplant hospital. I still found it hard, but by court i was ok enoigh to fight a little for what i wanted, he thought id roll over and let him have it all. Its a long hard way to travel, in time it does get easier.

Try to get help from somewhere, if in uk there is a women only organisation that im told you about is good.

X

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Witsend8]

Nope. In U.S. But good advice. Still at rolling over stage.

[Hidden]

Don’t hate yourself, you did nothing wrong, he did. Unless you have pre nup, he can’t take all the money. I won’t trust him, love is blind. He’ll make you sick again, don’t let him. Are you young?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

I am old. Very old. Hurt, crippled, sick.

Certainly I did something wrong. I (trying hard to omit graphic words that pop into my mind) welcomed him in my bed. I thrilled to his embrace. I believed everything had changed because I needed to.

And how many more times will my loneliness and fear lead me down dark alleyways?

If I wasn't defective, I would not be so alone that I cling to the man who hurts me.

What if I convince you all that I am indeed a green monkey, an outcast? I believe it, I fear you will too.

My words are too awful to share. I have to do something else.

You have been so kind. I wish I was up to returning better now.

[Hidden]

If you old, do you both have a lot of money during your marriage. If that’s so that’s why other women go for him. He not a good person

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hidden]

No, I am dependent on him for paying bills. He is not well off, still working, not much savings, but:

He is planning on buying a home with her. He says they will be splitting the mortgage, that's why (he said) he went to a lawyer, to make sure I can't put a claim on their house "in case something happens to him". I thought his money was our money, but he plans otherwise.

That's how I found out he has a girlfriend. Back in November, he had me fetch a pad of paper for him, and out slid a note: "Make sure Ann is protected in case something happens to me".

I am not "protected". Nothing is said / done about making sure I am protected. And I am too messed up to face going to a lawyer alone. (Besides being frightened it would make him angry. Har har har. Am I a joke a minute, or what?)

So if I get through Covid-19 alive, I face not just being alone, but fear of homelessness. He makes fun of me for being frightened. But he only talks about protecting her. From me.

[Thetealharp in reply to Nothing_but_books]

You need to go find legal representation, domestic abuse charity may be able to help you and you should be able to get legal aid. Do it. your worth it.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Thetealharp]

What a great idea. (I'm not being sarcastic to you my friend. Only to me.)

Too bad I am hopelessly terrified to take on one thing more than making it through today alive.

Without someone to physically hold my hand, I am paralyzed.

Pathetic, huh? Full time panic and depression have pulled up their chairs and made themselves at home. Not much room for a breakdown at a lawyer's office, and the ensuing debacle back here.

[Thetealharp in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Not pathetic your doing your best. If you can go for a walk and phone a hotline that would be good. If you can't your sur iving each day and I'm proud of yo u. And that type of lawyer will understand, you have to do what's right for you and keeps you safe. Rather than other people. You are important. Your value is not message by working being a parterner or anything else. You are strong.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Thetealharp]

Hey tealharp,

Nice to hear from you again.

Nix on walk. Nix on stand. Agony rears its ugly head and takes the reins.

Can't freaking stand hotlines. "Do you want to kill yourself? Have you thought about killing yourself? Do you plan to hurt someone else..." Can't think of a nice way to say "stuff it". Forgive me, anger at the Christian oligarchy, tealharp, never at you.

I wish, oh how I wish, some of the folks telling me that I am strong would skip the easy phrase, and point out one (expletive) example of said strength.

Damfino.

[Thetealharp in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I was kinda talking about a domestic abuse hotline.

I'm slightly confused where Christian oligarchy comes into it... As near where their is a mixture of religious and non religious hotlines and they all day the same thing lol.

You are strong for coming on here and asking for help. That is brave and strong. You are strong for engaging with me. You are strong for being alive right now because I know how hard that can be.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Thetealharp]

Hi again. I'm glad you've given me a chance to be more clear.

It's a rant I get into. I assumed you meant a crisis hotline, not a domestic abuse line. (Been there, done that, by the way. Not good.)

Believe it or not, there are places in this world not dominated by our Puritan origins, where suicide is validated as an honorable, acceptable and very personal choice.

I was not referring to whether or not a religious group runs a hotline as much as to our almost universal American mindset that allows those in authority to usurp personal choice in this matter.

[Thetealharp in reply to Nothing_but_books]

On okay that's why I was confused, I'm in the UK and their are different attitudes.

I think suicide has complicated theological arguments.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Thetealharp]

I agree.

[Witsend8 in reply to Hidden]

Divorce him for adultery if the house has any paperwork in place, you have a claim, claim all you can,, then you have bargaining on your side. Claim benefits if possible,

Divorce law states you must be able to have the same level of life post divorce than in the marriage.

You learn to live and manage, you fill time with little chunks of things you find you enjoy. Im not young, and im ill, so i got through a jard divorce. Now im ok with divorce law and can point you in the right direction. Keep a diary, include when he slept with you. Get a check up by the way, you dont know how many partners either of them have had! Its so hard, but necessary.

Get yourself some help from charities, GP, you need to begin to know this is NOT YOUR FAULT, WHAT HE'S DONE TO YOU IS THE ISSUE. NARCISSISTS MAKE YOU FEEL EVERYTHING IS YOUR SMD ONLY YOUR FAULT. Take care xx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Witsend8]

I hear you. You scared the hell out of me. In this day and age, it never even entered my mind that he had been with another woman and now I share that.

Let the good times roll.

[Witsend8 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Hi, oh no,my ex wasn't just one,it had been going on for years and years. Just an example,he moved out of marital housr,moved in with Nurse who worked at one of my hospitals,plus was still having an affair with another one he met at work who lived350 miles away. So married,moved in with one,plus had someone else on top. Just one instance of many many more. Buyers how much I loved him. I would have died for him I moved him that much.

I found out where one he moved in with lkved,and went to bed house,he had me arrested, not once but twice,when I was having a mental breakdown. So it's not just you mylove!y.

Look,it's hard to accelt, as I didn't either when I was heartbroken, but each day is just a day,some become easier than others. Lady across from where I used to live ,had it happen to her too,so it's all over the place.a friends partner,his existence it on him too.

Take each day, but know some will be ok a little bit of recurrent on,some sobriety natural to have ups and downs.best advice I was given is that & get a solicitor because the rest of your life and what you live in depends on this alone.

X