I keep pushing good people away

[photographyhoop]

There is this guy, a friend, who has always been there for me. He knows about mostly everything and understands it to the best extent that he can. Whenever I am in a bad place, wether that is in the middle of a panic attack or when I feel the depression setting in, he is the first person I want to turn to. I say want to turn to because I keep pushing him away.

About a month ago we got in contact again, he ended up in hospital after a really bad reaction to penicillin and almost died. That was the first time that I realised what an idiot I was being. I cried for that whole night, I opened up to him about the good things and spent a lot of time apologising for everything. I ended up trying to apologise for my anxiety and everything else I had used to push him away. When I woke up the next morning I couldn't leave my bed. He is fine and healthy now, and I finally left my bed.

I pushed him away for so long, things aren't the same anymore. I miss that, he was the person I would go to when I needed someone to calm me down or just a distraction. I could shoot off a text and get a reply within minutes, and then I would be fine. I haven't seen him in months, not in person. The first time will be tomorrow and I can't stop freaking out. I keep picking up the phone to cancel but I can't seem to go through with that either. I just don't know what to do. I get that he is an amazing guy who actually understands but I don't want to push him away again. I hate the burden I have become to him. Almost every time we text now I get "Hey, Whats wrong?" I am terrified that something is going to happen, that I will ruin things again. I don't know how much of the back and forth I can put up with I just don't know how to open up and explain everything without sounding like a mental person.

How people perceive me is very important to me no matter how much I wish I were okay if I wasn't seen as a good person it matters and I start to freak out and reflect on every little thing that may have contributed. I am afraid that I am going to break down tomorrow if I see him, I cancelled last time for the same reason. I am afraid that I will shut down and subconsciously push him away again. I just don't know if at this point I should shut him out forever or try and fix whatever I can.

I am sorry I rambled I just thought that if I wrote this it would make it a little easier to think about but I don't know.

[Hidden]

Fix it. These kinds of people are hard to come by. Be there for him too, not just when you have a problem.. Being alone seems easier but it's no good in the end. Be honest with him. He already knows who you are without saying it. Don't lose good people. They can bring you up.

[gerg]

The more that I learn about mental health issues, the more that I am amazed. It sounds like your anxiety has worked its way right through this relationship to make you even more anxious. These things self sustain by making us feel bad about feeling bad.

I think that you should focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and how you really feel about your friend. It takes effort at first, but it will be automatic in the future. Anxiety is nasty and it knows how to mess with you. Don’t give it what it wants.

[Hidden]

The need to give and take seems to be lacking in your case. You have a man who seems to be there for you, be grateful why look for rusty metal when you can have GOLD.

BOB

[photographyhoop in reply to Hidden]

Thats not the case, I have been there through some of his darkest times. It just when he tries to get close to me and help that I freak out. I would be there for him in a heart beat and have been in the past.

[Hidden in reply to photographyhoop]

If that is the case stop running. If a relationship is possible go for it.

However remember a serious relationship from a friendship if it becomes problematic and you walk away you may use that Golden Man.

A good and positive relationship is part of being there for eachother

BOB

[Esther228]

You sound like such a conscientious person, who is trying to sort out your feelings. Having anxiety and fear can be so debilitating. It can really exhaust you. I hope that you are able to press through your emotions and get through this time of uncertainty.

Do you have other close friends or family that you can talk with about what you are feeling? I know it helps to have a good support group. Do you have a church family or small group that you are involved in?

I am sure thinking of you!

[photographyhoop in reply to Esther228]

Thats the thing, there is no one who I am able to talk to about any of this. I have a few friends but they have their own issues going on and I end up being their support and pushing everything of my own down. I live abroad in a country that is not my own which makes finding support groups or anything like that hard to find and integrate into :))

[Esther228 in reply to photographyhoop]

I know that living abroad can have its own set of challenges, especially if you don’t speak the language. I lived in Germany for a year and learned enough to get me around, but it would have been so nice to have really understood their language and culture ahead of time.

Do you think that living abroad has been part of what is causing the anxiety and fear of getting close to someone?

When I was young, my dad was in the Navy and we moved around a lot. All the changes caused me to have some insecurity and it took me several years to embrace the fact that change was not always bad, but that a lot of time it was really good for me. It can offer us a lot of new experiences that create great conversations later in life. It would have been wonderful to have been able to understand all that back then.

Have you checked around to see if there are any other ex-pat’s living close to you? It might provide you with a new opportunity for finding another friend.

I want you to know that you are doing great at reaching out!

[photographyhoop in reply to Esther228]

Living abroad has been a major influence in my anxiety, the first time I moved I was two and I do not plan on living in my own country (IRELAND) again. I love moving and getting all those different experiences but I always lose people in the end; either they move away or I do. I fight it so much that I wait for my dad to come in and say "We're moving!" and at that moment I am actually sort of relieved. I have my life but this is a new set of people who don't know me. I get to be someone else, I try to be someone who doesn't have anxiety and eventually I end up back at square one.

I go to an international school so there are lots pf people around who understand each other and the mental lives that we live. Thing is, because of how interconnected it is there is no one to really confide in because you know that eventually someone who was not supposed to hear about it will.

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. It is freaking me out to be so open and especially online where I have no control over who hears or anything; but that may be a good thing! :))

[Esther228 in reply to photographyhoop]

I can so relate to what you are experiencing with moving; and even looking forward to it, because you are trying to be ready emotionally for the change. Right?

You know, with the Internet we can be connected to friends throughout the world. It has really opened a whole new wave for how people are being connected.

I can tell you that one place of my life that never changes is my relationship with the Lord. It is a state of being. I know that no matter where I am, where I go, or how I feel, He will always be there to comfort me. Do you have a Bible? It has been my best place to go for answers. I really enjoy talking with you! I hope you are having a good day.