I want to go away

[SilentScream]

Lately, it feels as though I want to break and just scream and lash out at everything. My body aches, my brain won't shut down, I can't sleep (even with the sleeping pills). Everything gets to me, even the smallest of things will upset me (eg Forgetting to wash dishes). Which leads me to another thing ... Forgetfulness. I forget things all the time. Yes, it was always there, but never this bad. I drown myself in my fantasy world of games to escape everything. I once again sit with that feeling of I do not want to be here. I don't make much money. It barely covers rent. I can't provide for my family because of this. When there is no money, I sink even further and want to go away and just ... not die ... but not live. I have many people around me, but I always feel lonely. My depression meds and anxiety meds are taken exactly as they should be, but I feel no different. I thought they were helping, but I end up like this and I can't handle anything anymore. I hate being alone, but I am alone even with people around me. My kids don't understand anything. I want to talk to them but they are young, and putting things into perspective for them is just too hard for me to do. I just fake smile around them and pretend to be happy. I want to stop pretending. I want to be happy. I just don't know anymore.

[Starrlight]

Are you willing to switch to different medication? Do you think that, and therapy would help?

[SilentScream in reply to Starrlight]

I am always willing to go with something else. Anything that would just let me be myself again.

[Starrlight in reply to SilentScream]

I hear ya. Can you make a therapy appointment soon?

[SilentScream in reply to Starrlight]

My next appointment coming up in a months time, but I only with the health workers, not a psychologist as yet. I will need to see whether she finally admits me to the next level. Will request she does when I go there. In the meanwhile, I will try focus on work and family. I am a mess at the moment. I just need to always have a goal. Right now, they are day by day, Thank you for your input. I really do appreciate it.