Lonely

[Spud-u-Like1982]

Hi everyone,

I'm on quite a few of the community forums on here for various mental health conditions which I have (Anxiety, Depression, OCD, ADHD, undiagnosed but suspected Autism). My story goes that I was sacked from my job a year ago, because I was off sick with anxiety for 6 months. I had never been off long term sick before and I had been in the civil service nearly 20 years.

Despite the mental health battleground inside my brain, I was still able to work. It was only once the psychotic female manager took over that things worsened and she bullied, harassed and micromanaged me. She would single me out for special bullying treatment compared to my colleagues.

Anyway, I was off with anxiety and she constantly hassled me to the point I stopped replying to her and they had a review which I didn't know about, as I hadn't been opening my letters because of the stress - and I was sacked, because I didn't attend. Prior to that she sent me for an occupational health referral/assessment to see why I took so long carrying out my work, or doing anything really. The Doctor who saw me noted I was slow completing tasks and she saw potential symptoms of ADHD, which she believed I should look in to.

Since then I have been officially diagnosed with ADHD and the specialist noticed autistic quirks, so I'm waiting to see someone about that too. The reason for my post title is since all that, my mental health has worsened, my sleep pattern is out of whack and it's all contributed to the breakdown of my 7 year relationship.

Just last week she told me it was over and that I have to move out. I knew we weren't getting along, the spark hadn't been there for a long time, but I thought we were still pretty solid. Her reasoning is because we've been together 7 years, but I haven't committed to marriage or starting a family (she'll be 40 this year, which she believes is too old to have a kid) and she sees no future, so she wants me gone. It's completely broken me. My mind is so fragile at present, July has always been a bad month for me (suicide attempts when I was younger - the depression always hits me hard this month) and she knows I am still trying to get treatment for the ADHD, etc.

With losing her I will be losing my best friend too, as she knows me better than anyone else. The very few friends I do have are never there for me - literally, never. They are too wrapped up in their own lives to bother about mine or trying to help me. Due to that I've isolated myself from everyone and once I move out I will have to move back in with my parents.

The other problem I have is I'm a hoarder. With the OCD, ADHD and potential Autism, hoarding can be a symptom of all those conditions. I hold on to things for sentimental reasons and the memories they contain. I have real difficulty letting go of possessions. I will need to get a storage locker for the stuff at her house and the stuff at my parents house. I'm not working and on benefits, which I hate, so money is an issue, but my brain is just not in the right place for working just now and I just don't know what to do.

The fear I have is now I'm alone again, I'll never meet someone. I like being part of a couple, I like sharing my romantic side with someone, but I'm terrified about meeting someone and starting over. I take rejection very badly and I ruminate and dwell on my faults. Between my work, when I was there, and my relationship, I don't have any self-esteem or confidence left - and they have always been in short supply at the best of times. I also worry because I have never lived on my own before and I'm not very independent. My parents are my rock and I know they will support and help me, but aside from that, I really don't know what I can do. I feel like I'm stranded in a desert, with only a broken compass to try and find my way home.

I keep trying to look at the positives in this, as I don't feel my now ex appreciated my generosity, kindness, emotional empathy, my romantic qualities or the fact I really cared for her and about her. She has always been very emotionless, cold, clinical, practical and she's definitely not generous. I always had to initiate any kind of intimacy. I would always pride myself on being able to read emotions (which was why I never thought I could be autistic), but I could never read her, because she's shut off emotionally.

I reckon we got in to our relationship thinking we were different people to who we turned out to be. Prior to her I was single for 5 years and the few dates I went on were like something out of a bad comedy film.

Apologies for the lengthy post, but I just really need advice and suggestions or anything to allay my fears of being single and in my early 40s.

[QCuriosa]

Hi! I am sorry you are feeling like this. I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve list your compass, but I think it’s time to move out even if it hurts. Right now you need to worry about getting better and not about finding another love. That will come with time! Are you seeing a therapist or on any meds?

I also stopped working due to mental health issues and Im working on myself right now. You too need to put yourself first and love yourself because you are unique and sensitive and can get better. I hope you can go to your parent’s housebas soon as possible.

They love you and their love can work wonders.

[Spud-u-Like1982 in reply to QCuriosa]

Thank you for your response.Yeah, I think I need to just get organised and move out. The problem is I take too long doing anything and I procrastinate. I also have so much stuff in her house.

I keep doing things like buying her chocolate bars for work, writing a post-it note and attaching it to the bar and placing it in her lunch bag, but she never says anything about it and she never says thank you. I wrote a nice, romantic note reminiscing about the good times and I signed it as a declaration of intent. I put the note in the fridge in front of her water for work, but she's not even acknowledged seeing it or anything I wrote in it. I suppose it's all too far gone now. My feelings for her waned a while ago amidst her casual insults, emasculating me and never saying anything nice about me. She also belittles me in front of her family, my family and her friends. She even does it when we shop.

I was her first long-term boyfriend, so I often feel she didn't have much relationship experience.

As for the meds, I only take amitriptyline for IBS. I reacted very badly to antidepressants in the past. I don't take meds for ADHD yet, as my diagnosis was via a private specialist and our National Health Service haven't acknowledged the diagnosis.

[QCuriosa in reply to Spud-u-Like1982]

Hi! Maybe you can get your family to help you move out so you don’t procrastinate and it takes longer because the longer it takes more you’re going to suffer seeing her indifference. You deserve better than that In terms of meds anti depressants :,so many different ones of perhaps it’s time to revisit that if you feel that you’re in a hole and can’t come out.

[Spud-u-Like1982]

Thank you for the reply and advice. I'm definitely stuck in a rut and have been for a few years. I was put on Fluoxetine before, but the really bad one was Duloxetine. It turns out that exacerbated my ADHD, to a manic level I'd never been at before. I started picking fights with random people and I became very aggressive and very depressed. I was given those antidepressants to help with the hoarding, but it made that worse too. My family were even frightened of me when I was on Duloxetine.

See my partner had her antidepressants doubled recently - she was always on antidepressants , but last year her Mother died very suddenly from Ovarian cancer that had spread to her stomach, intestines, lymph nodes. Her Mum never came out of hospital. I think there's alot of guilt there, as they didn't really like the Mum and we're quite rotten to her when she was alive. I've found her mood swings very erratic and severe since her antidepressants were doubled, but she won't admit that's a reality and instead just blames me. She went to see a psychiatrist who informed her she requires psychiatric treatment. It was since then things became really bad. Since breaking up with me she's in a lighter, brighter mood and has started eating dinner again. She still goes straight to bed when she comes home from work and is sleeping over 12 hours each day.