I just told her her breath smelled and started "it's because of the teeth, they're so sick and I don't have money to fix them for you" I told her on new year, on goddamn new year to leave champagne for the others too, she freaked out and my new year sucks. While we're talking, he even tells me that he's going to do something with vinegar, and if it smells, it's because of it. When I had a broken leg, she told me she was drinking cabbage juice and made me drink it until I threw up, even though I knew it was wine. And these things have happened several times. I remember every single one of them, I'm abbreviating them here. He even pours himself into bottles of water or iced tea as if we don't understand. Even my grandmother saw the bottles in the trash. And that was 2 years ago.I just told her her breath smelled and started "it's because of the teeth, they're so sick and I don't have money to fix them for you" I told her on new year, on goddamn new year to leave champagne for the others too, she freaked out and my new year sucks. While we're talking, he even tells me that he's going to do something with vinegar, and if it smells, it's because of it. When I had a broken leg, she told me she was drinking cabbage juice and made me drink it until I threw up, even though I knew it was wine. And these things have happened several times. I remember every single one of them, I'm abbreviating them here. He even pours himself into bottles of water or iced tea as if we don't understand. Even my grandmother saw the bottles in the trash. And that was 2 years ago.
Even now she started arguing about a poster my sister bought and got upset and drank. And i told her "idk how you two drink laying" and she said "Nadezhaah, i don't interfere so you don't interfere" meaning my medication. It's not fair to compare my medication to her addiction....God, she saw me take my meds, how could she catch me. I even buy them myself and make sure she doesn't see me taking them even though she took me to the psychiatrist for the first time and she caused me to be taking them. I'm having hard time controlling myself in the same room with her.
I'm breathing and medicating myself so i don't breakdown, get a panic attack or k*ll her. I'm going crazy and the night's still young. Idk what i will do. I can't even play a videogame because i can't focus
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behabVery often, people have a friend, family member or spouse who is an alcoholic. That is the definition of a "co-dependent". A close relationship to that person is very traumatic, because 1) it cannot be expected that their thinking is going to be rational under the influence, and, of course you don't want to see that person die or have brain damage. Many say "why should I have to go to Al-Anon ( or therapy) when I am not the alcoholic? " But the codependence I described above can make you act as weird, and ineffectively, as the alcoholic does. You are powerless to convince that person the change their behavior, And you have to help yourself, by learning more about this situation. That is why I suggest Al-anon, which is led by people with the same experience. A probably too-often quoted saying is " the definition of insanity is if you keep on doing the same thing, AND EXPECT A DIFFERENT RESULT! You have been texting Health Unlocked fir some time, telling us your repeated attempts. I learned a lot in Al-Anon I never would have guessed at with only my experience. What do you have to lose by reaching out to the people in Al-Anon.
You are combining truth with deflection. It could be that people in your past acted as though you were not able to think for yourself. They wanted to tell you the answers and what you should do. That is what happened to me, so in learning to think for myself, I did not trust the advice of others. When I was the usual age for college, I got a degree in psychology. That did not involve the research I did later. And I was pretty ignorant of practical things. Decades later I returned to college, got a math degree and with enough calculus majored in physics. Those professors had high standards and doctorates in math, physics, engineering and astrophysics. I am now able to combine research of others who made discoveries before me, with "common sense " that only applies to me and my personal life experiences. I am many years older than you. I don't believe you have to wait as long as I did. I don't have to do the same research over again, as Einstein and Newton did, and I do not have to follow the crowd. I do need strong, spiritual beliefs, in order to believe there is a purpose to all our trials and that I am not God. ( The word "God' is so overused in so many venues, it has lost its meaning, but I use it here, because I want to be general. No one could force anyone to believe what they don't believe!
I have been reading through your last several posts and I am so, so sorry that you continue to suffer. I have tried over the last some years to support you, to remind you how smart, funny, and creative you are, to research resources for you, and to give you what advice I could. I think you have rejected just about every effort I have made to help you. That's not useful for either of us. I hope remembering that I care about you — and I do — will keep you from writing a post about how someone else has betrayed you when I tell you that I need to step away from these conversations, at least for a while. I didn't want just to disappear and I only do so because you have people like PuzzleArt, CLB1125, and others who are clear-headed, caring, and smart to continue to help you.
PuzzleArt has given you some important insights and advice. PA wrote "You are combining truth with deflection" in response to your statement that "I get triggered by hearing about alchoholism so much." PA is right. PA's forthrightness has made me see that I have probably not helped you by telling you only what you wanted to read. This is another reason it's best for me take a break.
Because of my own experiences, I don't deal well with the kind of anger you have been expressing lately. For my own well-being, I need to put distance between myself and reading about your thoughts about harming your mother.
I wish you well. I hope you decide on a course of healing soon. Please do what you can to take care.
Helps to know you care about me. Helps when you remind me of my qualities because i have been told all my life im worthless and i can't do anything. You know me well and show compassion. And hurts to see im losing people because of my state especially when they're kind and with my abandonment trauma
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Feeling so lonely & concerned about the holidays
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Working with Trash & Mediocrity
Tonight I heard my mum say I should end it all. (venting)
