She just came from work and it started. "My coworker found she had a lot of money in a fund in the bank the bank. You had a similar fund. Go see if you have too". I told her im aware i had a fund 25years ago containing 15$ made from grandma and that I'm a client of that bank (if it even existed then) and they would have told me. Mom got upset "don't look them". Her trademark passive aggression. I told her that i will do everything she wants because she looks like a Baskerville dog ready to chew me up and foaming at the mouth, hell flames in the eyes, but i wanted to ask questions like a thinking adult (while i still have a brain). She said "then ask, don't say the bank should have told you, i thought you wouldn't go ask them". I said ofc i obey, that's the freaking Smaug the dragon. (Don't mind me, I'm trying not to cry. Nobody to hug me or understand me). Woke up early to go to the psychiatrist today and she was vaping in the room and just scolded me for "acting" like im sick because i don't like my parents, life etc. Didn't say anything about my meds or symptoms or headaches or vomiting. My panic attacks are real. My anxiety attacks are real. But to her it's not. But she said i had a "personality abnormalities". I asked if it's a personal disorder because my previous psychiatrist warned me i can develop borderline from the cptsd and constant abuse, she said "ask a therapist". The therapist litterary told me to ask a psychiatrist. Therapists here "don't give diagnosises". Holy cow i need my mom's coworkers to stop winning the lottery and marrying millionaires and going to Timbuktu and Madagascar while mom gets the car broken, us sick, inherited loans, a meteor flying out way... My heart hurts. I want to scream. Are we cursed or something? That's unreal. The psychiatrist said i have an addiction to Clonasepam. Yesterday i drank 3mg Clonasepam and 3mg lexotan. But it was more like od attempt. Honestly thinking about starting drvgs. If people are gonna be treating me like a drug addict anyway... This pain is insane. It breaks my fvcking ribcage. I have fever every day (37,2- 37,5 Celsius. 37 is the max normal). My doctor is guilty because she prescribed me 2mg of Clonasepam instead of 0,5 so i could "break it at 4 and have for longer so i don't bother her". But if i even try to break it, it gets to dust. Especially when im hurtying so mom doesn't see im taking it. What am i supposed to do with it as a dust? Like i have said it's klonopin not c*caine.
Sorry for it being explicit. My mind is convulsing rn
