SOS. Help asap. Continious mental breakdowns since my birthday yesterday

[Against_the_current]

So yesterday i made 23. I was kinda happy and excited but it was ruined. I was outside the night before, my neighbours' kid was so happy about me, she went and said "mommy, daddy, kaka(Bulgarian word for older girl/big sis) gets 23". The parents just said "damn" and "you're only getting older" and "nothing good awaits from now on". "Nothing good awaits". But forget them. On the next day, August 16, mom was first shift and she told me to clean for grandparents coming. I went outside to buy Clonasepam. I didn't want mom to buy it for me because of when she called me a drug addict on New years. I travelled the city to buy it, getting myself agoraphobia and anxiety of mom coming home and not seeing me there. I got home, already anxious. I tried to change clothes and grandparents arrived. Then dad. Already tired. Mom started talking about that metal band my sister likes but i was nervous and cutted her off because she's repeating herself. Then they left. Mom got drunk and told me she's gonna listen to that Bulgarian genre that i hate since I didn't like her metal band. Me and sis are separate people but she doesn't understand. I'm more into alternative rock, power metal is too much of sensory overload when I'm panicking. But in Bulgaria metal and chalga are in war since the 90s. And I felt like mom got upset. I got upset and went out crying. How could she get drunk and tell me this on my birthday? I texted dad. He said it's impossible for her to get drunk since he was there a few hours ago. I called a friend from university city. He told me it's best to come back. I texted dad to pick me up on Saturday. I realised he probably just wants to see me and maybe it's not that i would be better off in university city. The second message to dad "pick me on Saturday " wasn't sending. This morning i saw Dad left me on seen. I'm panicing he is mad at me. I'm scared if he stops my money. I told my sister and she said "he has to stop them someday, you're 23" and "he's running out of them when we go out"(what she told me when i was almost getting a job) and "why you ask questions when you expect an answer". Teenage brutal. She doesn't know what it is to be that age and have to figure out your life. My mind is doing backflips. I'm terrified of dad leaving me without money. I'm scared of traveling on Saturday or not, idk cause dad leaves on seen. And I feel so bad about this friend telling me to come but i had nobody else. I couldn't think in panic. Why does nobody understand I'm not okay and i act impulsive when im panicking. I cause myself afterwards troubles. Or at least overthink. I can't call my therapist. One is in my university city and sleeps, the phone therapy i was having ended when i was crying on the phone, telling my therapist i don't deserve that and that she's not helping me and she said it's my fault my parents split up and called her a goat and she never called again. No crisis lines. People i reach out for support cause me more troubles. I'm now not only frustrated from yesterday but from my mistakes i did. I feel scared to leave and go live in that terrible place again. All day instead of recovering while mom's at work im panicking. I can't do anything. I need to talk to someone. I don't want to go back to that place that's tiny and dirty and i have to buy food and have agoraphobia. But i need to go back anyway because i have a course on 26th. It's his city but not mine, i have agoraphobia. I can't do anything in this state. I need to be calmed down without consequences, personal triggers and annoyment and motives. Damn country. I really need a crisis line

[Marysblue]

Happy birthday! Your life is just beginning. I know this is hard to do cuz it's hard for me too but try to focus on what's good about your life. Even just small things. I try to write down five or more small things I'm grateful for every day.Our minds are so negative with depression. Even people without depression have a negative bias but we have more. Keep looking for a crisis line surely there's one somewhere you can call. Maybe an outpatient clinic or an religious organization. I know it's hard to look for help when you're depressed. I have to keep trying. Best to you.. you deserve it.

[SoporRose in reply to Marysblue]

Marysblue is right: your life *is* just beginning. Things do get better for most of us.

I’m sending you wishes for a new year of life in which you can find some calm in your mind and in your life. I believe in you.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you both

[Shield_Of_Faith]

I'm very sorry that you had a very tough time on your birthday. But I want to say Happy Birthday! I know coming from me is not much but I do honestly wish you a happy birthday! And I hope things get better with time.I'm sorry things got tough with your family. I hope things get better soon. 🙏

[Against_the_current in reply to Shield_Of_Faith]

Thank you, needed this

[PuzzleArt]

Do you have Al-Anon in your country? It is to support people whose loved ones or family are alcoholics. The denial is not only affecting your mother, but is caught by others in the family. They are all affected. It makes it difficult for you to have a quiet space to think. Too much guilt is being spread around. For you to get better, it would help if you got counseling for families of alcoholics. But by yourself, so you can make your own decisions. The environment you live in, as you describe it, is making even more difficulties than you already have or need. You can only take care of your own problems first. Later maybe you can help someone else.

[Against_the_current in reply to PuzzleArt]

We have but i think it would trigger me more

[PuzzleArt in reply to Against_the_current]

What is it like there that would trigger you more? You know more about it, so you have to use your information and instincts. I understand you are a very sensitive position from your comments, and you woukd know what could make things worse. I have been in such positions before and wish I could help you. I had to get to a place where I was sure I could think fir myself and it can take time. Both physical illness and mental stess can be agonizing at the time. You just want and need it to be over. One of the hardest things is not knowing how long it will last. I can only encourage you by saying there is a remedy or solution, an answer that fits you. I believe it in recovery from both phtsical and mental conditions that sone people don't believe. It is only because they haven't found the answer yet. Doubt sets in over time with the person who is suffering and the family if they are in touch. It is really hard to believe in a solution just because someone tells you that you will get better. My mother told me once I would get better and I didn't believe her. I thought she was just saying that to make me feel better! It took time but I did get better. She was the only one who told me that. No one else believed it

[hypercat54]

Happy birthday for yesterday anyway.

I'm not sure why you expect others to 'understand' you? Do you want them to feel sorry for you and make allowances? Do you want or expect them to first want to help you and second that they can? In other words do you expect them to know how to?

What exactly do you expect or want from them and why? Whatever I think you are going to keep ending up disappointed because they either can't or won't.

I have said all this to you before but I expect this to fall on stony ground. It doesn't seem to take with you or register what I am saying. But hopefully one day you might be able to take on board what I am saying.

You are in charge of your life, not others. If you keep expecting others to be then you have no choice but to take the s... they dish out. You then have no right to complain or resent their behaviour.

You need to choose being a child and dependent on others, or to start being an adult and forge your own path no matter how difficult.

One day you will turn around and you will be 30 while you are still stuck in this emotional cycle and the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

If this is harsh then I am sorry but if you can think about what I have said then it is aimed to help you. If it doesn't then tell me and I will happily delete my response.

You can carry on complaining about your life expecting others to sort it out or you can take charge yourself for better or for worse.

What you are doing is just staying stuck in this endless cycle between wanting to be a child and looked after and learning to be your own person and taking charge. It's exhausting and you need to break out of this for your own good.

[CLB1125]

happy late birthday! I agree with what hypervat54 said. You are at an age now where you need to be your own best friend. You need to decide what is best for you. Do you want to continue your education or is school just to hard to continue right now? If you feel you can’t continue then you must take on an adult role and get a job. Then when you can afford it get your own place. An apartment or even rent a room. Some place that you can call your own space and is free of the drama of the family. Your safe place. As long as you stay with momma and sis you will be at their mercy on how they treat you. And dad can’t support you forever. That is your responsibility as an adult. That doesn’t mean he can’t help you but you can’t depend on him forever. In the United States children are adults at 18. Some go on to college and their parents help them but most get a job to buy what they want. Other kids that don’t go to school get a job and move into there own place or pay their parents rent to live there. Do you see what I mean? You will never be in charge of your own life until you decide to become an adult and start taking care of yourself.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

I can't. I'm too ill

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

In that case you need to seek professional help and support. There must be some available in your country, or how about support groups face to face or on zoom?

Other people don't know how to help you so it's useless expecting them to be able to. Yet you always say the services in your country are useless?

There doesn't appear to be an answer to your dilemma....

[Against_the_current in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah. I'm thinking if i manage to get a job to try something like BetterHelp or something. The thing is that American services are really better but American currency and prices are double so it feels like 4x price of everything. Here 30$ a session is normal to expensive

[hypercat54 in reply to Against_the_current]

Maybe you could ask your father to fund it for a time?

[CLB1125 in reply to Against_the_current]

I’m sorry. I will say no more.

[Hidden]

Hi ATC, you are working towards a degree in Psychiatry or Psychology of some sort correct? You’re 23 now, definitely an adult, no more going back. Have you ever thought of spending some of your time on this forum to help others in need? Given that is your chosen field of study (I believe) it might be good practice and time well spent. I have kids close to your age. Helping others here with their problems could help your mind to be less self-focused and out of victim mode. It’s about giving back and stepping out of your suffering and into someone else’s that you will gain a different perspective on your own life. I’m sure you have a lot of good advice to give and many ppl here on this site would appreciate any of your thoughts. Especially all the young ppl year around your age. Just an idea.

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

Will try. Just the more i study, the more i fear making a mistake

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

Don’t worry about mistakes, we’re the perfect group to practice on when you’re ready. You’re more capable than you give yourself credit for. Sometimes the only thing standing in our way is ourself.