Anhedonia and motivation (sorry for how long this might get)

[BorachioHatpeg]

It's been since a long time before my fiancée recently dismissed me (after 12 years and no with no warning through a text on my 45th birthday no less) that I've been struggling with anhedonia. I don't blame him if he's had enough. I just doubt his reasoning and it's relation to reality and current behaviors. But that is beside the point.

I still find some joy, lots of comfort and even a little bit of purpose in my best friend Enki. He is my 2 year old maltese. I enjoy caring for the few dogs I still board and I still enjoy playing word games and solving puzzles. All of the things that I used to want to be able to do again "when I get better" all seem insignificant or ridiculous now.

I've gotten so far away from the world after 15 years of gradually increased to now absolute social isolation.

Three and a half years ago I went through a major medical issue, again. This one I could have greatly reduced or even prevented if not for fear. I actually died from acute sepsis while they were wheeling me into emergency surgery. I'm grateful for how hard they all worked to save my life. 11 hours of multiple surgeons working to save me, weeks in the hospital and more weeks of home nursing care. It was alot.

I should have gotten that renewed sense of life and it's gifts and all those wonderful and inspirational things you hear about from survivors of NDE.

I didn't.

I got more tired and more lonely and more uninspired, trapped instead in my self imposed fear and avoidance prison.

I've read and heard and watched and practiced so many things about recovering or living well with my mental and physical health. I've been learning for a lot of years about so many things and I enjoy knowing the things I know and would like to know even more I think.

I thought if I could understand that I could also understand how to defeat or at least manage it. This fear.

I thought if I did everything I could in therapy and worked really hard I could get better.

I thought if I only had some stability and support I could get better.

In 15 years I've learned more than most mental health specialists have learned about my conditions.

I have a better grasp on my physical health and how my bodies mechanisms work together and independently than many Healthcare professionals do.

I've tried the therapies and I just started trying again.

He provided 12 years of support and stability and comfort and safety.

I'm not better.

I don't know my children.

I'm too tired and sad for anger.

I no longer have the love of my life and my best and only friend.

I'm doubting any therapist can teach me anything I'm not already aware of.

I'm having a really, existentially difficult time knowing how and why to keep going and keep trying.

It seems like it's only because I have no choice at this point. Not because I have anymore inspiration or hopeful expectations or even that fear of missing out.

I know rationally that the only thing I can do is keep trying. I Ijust want to have a reason why again.

I wish I could be angry enough to stubbornly push forward like when I was young. Or fiercely maternal like when my sons were young. Or hopefully in love like before he left me alone. How do I keep going now? I honestly don't know.

[So_It_Goes]

Anhedonia is a special kind of nightmare that I feel like snuck up on me and by the time I realized what was happening, I’d complete shut myself off from others. Ive done research to try and deal with my symptoms, but lack the motivation to try.

I’d love to connect- it maybe helpful to have someone struggling with similar difficulties in a similar social environment.

Either way- I hope you find something that works for you- and if you do, don’t hesitate to share

[BorachioHatpeg in reply to So_It_Goes]

It did seem especially sneaky didn't it. It feels like it is an impossible cycle to get away from. Have you found anything to be helpful in recapturing the thing I thought I knew to be joy and motivation to achieve or conquer or even bother doing things.? It's a very isolated feeling when you can't enjoy things like others but you don't want to feel so alone but you have nothing muvh to offer. And so on...

[So_It_Goes in reply to BorachioHatpeg]

Ok so honestly, I maybe inching towards coming through to the other side. For me, I needed hope. Like really, tangible hope. I got into a clinical trial for a neuromodulator (VNS)- it was so unlike any treatment I’ve had before that going through the process (it’s implanted now, I get occasional tube ups) itself elevated my mood.

Something else that helped was connecting with people who could empathize. Especially online because you can do it on your own time, you don’t need to get dressed or leave your house, people understand if you don’t respond right away etc. (in the same vain, having similar mental health difficulties can cause unforeseen negative consequences as both people may struggle with communicating and sometimes misunderstandings arise (I found on my end usually due to insecurities and my life long apparent “talent” as a mind reader— bc I have a habit of assuming any neutral statement was meant in a negative manner)

Yeah I’m basically I’m still trying to figure it out. I was able to make a genuine connection with someone- which helped prove to myself that I still can enjoy conversations with other people, which gave me some hope as well.

But yeah, I’m kinda creeping along- let me know if you’ve figured out any tricks!

😀

[BorachioHatpeg]

That's amazing I've been very interested in the neuromodulator for years now! Good for you. So far all I can do is go through the motions when I can make myself in hopes of eventually tricking my mind into believing I mean it. I would love to hear about your VNS experiences. Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm trying to engage more (at all really) in places like this for the first time in more than a decade. I think it's helping, I'm going through the motions again with therapy also. 🤞