I'm sorry, I just got to get this out.

[Midnightwolf1]

So if you have read my previous post 2 weeks ago, you know I lost my 11 year old cousin and my uncle is in the hospital cause someone shot them. I went to her funeral Saturday and Sunday (Nov. 3 & 4). I talked to her and everything. I tried to get my closures but I couldn't. When they closed her caskets I lost it and ended almost choking on the gum I had in my mouth. And when they buried her I lost it. Even last night when I was just sitting there I lost it, but each one of those times, I am alone with no one to help me. I blame myself so much. I know it wasn't my fault but I blame myself. And my uncle is starting to blame his-self. He doesn't remember anything but we had to tell him she past. He was doing good till they found infection in his brain from the wound. They had to do surgery again, luckily they didn't find much.

I just blame myself for the whole thing and I have so many regrets. I should of seen them more often, should of a lot of things. Baking cookies helped me a little bit but not much. And if you know about me, you know I used to cut. I've almost been to that point again but I stopped myself and gave myself a new motto to live by 'Live For Harley'. I just need to keep saying that and live for her. But I'm still lost and I'm still at the point of not knowing what to do...

Thank you if you read this, for letting me get this out.

~Sky

[gerg]

Thank you for sharing this, I am at a loss as to what I can say. I would like you to know that a lot of us here are willing to listen and share in your grief. You are not alone.

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to gerg]

Thank you, It helps to know I'm not alone

[Misfit23]

You should never apologize for venting. We all need to get it out sometimes. I'm so sorry for your lost. I know you've gotten that a lot but I am. Blaming yourself and going through "what if" scenarios will get you no where. It's only going to make the pain worse. I've done the exact same thing and it only made the hurt worse. ❤️

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Misfit23]

It does and no matter how many times I try to stop myself, I keep doing it.

[Misfit23 in reply to Midnightwolf1]

It'll get better, it has for me at least

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Misfit23]

I hope it does. I don't want to go down the wrong road again.

[Catwoman2018]

Never feel alone, am always here to listen any time! I'm grieving after losing someone special to me and it is so hard. I remember when you put her pic up of her lovely smile. So very sad. Always here for you.

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Catwoman2018]

Thank you, I'm glad u and everyone are here for me. I'm here for u and everyone else too

[Hidden]

I am sorry for your loss. I am reminded of the scripture, there is no sorrow the earth can create that heaven can’t heal. I like to believe your cousin is in a better place, at rest, at peace. I would say live to make a difference in someone’s life, as I believe we are all suppose to do. I pray that the Lord comfort you and be there to help you deal with your grieve.

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I know wherever she is, she's with our Papa C.

[Eowyn7]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this and you lost your cousin. I think your motto is a good one. Your cousin would want you to keep going and have a wonderful life. Thanks for sharing with us.

[rach1402]

I'm so sorry you've suffered such a shocking and tragic loss 😔 I don't know how anyone could be so callous as to shoot an innocent child.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, even though it's not your fault, blaming yourself is one of the stages of the grieving process. Although it seems like a waste of emotional energy and at the time it feels like you're punishing yourself for something that you couldn't have prevented, it's a sign that you're processing the pain in your own way.

It's great that you're reaching out to this community to help you feelless alone and it's a much healthier way to deal with your loss than hurting yourself. You say that your mantra is 'live for Harley', that's a really positive way to think and I'm sure it will get you through the hard times. I don't know what the law is about this where you live, but if you're allowed to, perhaps a tasteful tattoo with the words 'live for Harley' in the place where you used to cut yourself would be a fitting tribute to your cousin and a reminder to yourself of how precious and fragile life is, in case you're ever tempted to hurt yourself again. If you're too young/not allowed, there's no reason why you can't experiment with different designs in a book, where you could write down your thoughts and feelings to help you process the terrible loss. Or make your own jewellery with her name or charms that remind you of her and the times you spent together.

Are you getting any help e.g. counselling or therapy and can you talk to your family and friends about how you're feeling? X

[Midnightwolf1 in reply to rach1402]

I am going to get a tattoo of it when Im 18. For now I'm just painting and writing. I don't know any support groups and I don't want my mom to find out about it. I was planing on talking to a teacher I trust, but I'm not sure if I am yet or not.

[Beauty987]

Sky, I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin. Please accept my sympathy.

Thank you for trusting us with this. Grief is complicated and has many steps. Just know that what you are experiencing is normal. Regret and blaming yourself is one of the first steps in the grieving process.

Talking to others is a good way to process your feelings.

Are there any grief support groups in your area? The hospital or a local church may be able to help. Grief share has groups all over and you can search on the internet to see if there is a group meeting near you.

Saying a prayer that you will be able to heal and that your uncle will be ok.

[Hidden]

That's a great new motto. Harley would be so proud of you

[Kayakin]

So sorry for your loss. It is a terrible feeling when I know I will not have another chance with someone.

But I am glad you learned something that might help you in the future (live for Harley).

That could help me too - thanks for sharing.