How to care less

[sad_watermelon]

Does anyone have tips on how to care less about things and people who don't care enough about me. Yes, they are really close to me, but if they don't care enough about me and can't give me the support I need, how do I stop craving their presence, always texting a lot to try to communicate with them, when they are busy, always checking my phone every 20 seconds to not miss an eventual message... And how do I stop relying on others to be happy. Wanting their love and support and be sad when they don't provide it often

[cashew78]

The hardest struggle for me right now is the notion that I don't need other people because I can't trust/rely upon them. It's taken me years to figure this out. With that being said, my interpretation of what you are asking is how do you rely less on *these* people to be happy, how do you stop craving *their* presence despite being close to them, how to care less about *them* and *their* things when they don't necessarily reciprocate. ... and sadly I don't really have any easy tips to offer. For me it took distance; I literally walked away and broke all contact for a few years with my family because I wasn't going to deal with their compulsive need to criticize and pick at things, their lack of maturity, their self-entitled habits, and the perpetual need to engage in 'do as I say, not as I do' attitudes. It also required me to address this discomfort with people and my paranoid assumption that I was asking to much of my few friends by asking for anything at all. I'm still working on finding better people to be around and not fall into the comfortable pattern of just being with sh*theads and accepting what they give. I am lucky because I have at least 3 people who are good friends and willing to help--a chosen family who probably have no idea what they mean to me. As for other tips and ideas, if you can't make the distance and make it work for you, set boundaries and hold to them. Reasonable people notice and accept boundaries; if they're not willing to respect your boundaries then I would posit the need to fight. Full stop. Not comfortable nor easy to do, but something to consider.Good luck; I feel your situation and hope some karmic strength comes your way. You deserve it, and you deserve better.

[Spud-u-Like1982]

I know exactly what you mean. I keep thinking I'm the only person feeling like this, so there is some comfort to be had in knowing we aren't alone in feeling like this.

[Ryanlion]

watermelon, I know where your coming from, so wanting your family or certain people to care & love you. I am 63 and finally the penny dropped when my Mum died. She was the only one who truly cared for me. But from childhood onwards i kept trying to get my Father & sisters to love me. Over the decades i was kind, good helpful , went out of my way for them for them. Nothing worked. The sad truth is people love us, or they dont and there is nothing we can do about it. I eventually cried my tears of grief and accepted the situation as painful as it is. You are probably a special kind person and will find more caring people.Dont waste your life on people who dont care about you. You could have a little chat with each one and tell them how you feel, i doubt it will help but you never know. Drop them slowly, its easier, maybe one at a time. Join activities that you enjoy and meet like minded people. Build your self esteem and build a new circle or family. It will take time to do this but just remember that Love is a gift and you cant drag it out of someone , buy it or work for it., Because then it wouldnt be love. especially thick skinned, thoughtless, selfish individuals. My family now consists of animals and a few trustec friends.

[Alpakka123]

Hi,I hear you loud and clear. I can get over-attached to others to the point where I rely on them for approval of myself. I think it's called limerince, and I've heard that it's more common than I thought (phew! because it sure is embarrassing).

I think a lot of factors contribute to limerince happening, with the biggest one probably being low self-everything (esteem, worth, confidence, etc).

My best tip for you would be to work on strengthen this "low-everything". I've learned (and am still learning) that the only one we need to get approval from is us! You definitely don't want to rely on others to rate your worthiness. What if someone approves of you and someone else doesn't? How confusing would that be? You be you.

[sad_watermelon in reply to Alpakka123]

Thank you so much 🩷

[Alpakka123 in reply to sad_watermelon]

You're welcome!

[bethelbee]

I am 69 and over the past several years and with the help of my last and present therapist I have learned how to lower my expectations of people. Some to the point of not having them in my life anymore. It's not always easy but needed at the expense of my own mental health. I don't expect others to be there for me very often. With some I would be happy just to receive a quick text saying 'thinking of you' or just a quick hello. Do I still get disappointed when I don't hear from someone? of course, but it has gotten easier...