no where to go

[CroutonBehavior]

It's been 7 months of being unstable almost 100 percent of the time. I have moments when I feel "better" and get things done but it's almost always fueled by my anxiety about wasting this entire year so far. I don't have anyone to reach out to that I haven't already contacted 100 times in the past 12 years and no one helps. I just keep going in circles.

I called a bunch of hotlines and they weren't any help. They always ask me 20 questions to understand my situation and essentially ask me what I want them to do. Or they tell me that I should use a coping skill and carry on as if that's enough. So I texted a "friend" who usually doesn't listen or support me but she's the only contact I have in my phone who isn't a family member. She did send a nice message and I know she was trying. But she ended up making a hundred assumptions about how I've been doing instead of asking more about how I was feeling. So I just didn't answer, even if what she said made me feel invisible.

A month ago, I begged my parents to co-parent. My mom doesn't know anything about mental illness and my dad doesn't know anything about how I've been so I thought they could put their heads together and do whatever a parent is supposed to do when their daughter doesn't want to be here. They agreed to it but it's been a month and they haven't talked to me or each other. They didn't work together 13 years ago when my illness started to ruin my life or 9 years ago when I told them I was having really dark thoughts. But now, when I'm in a place where I can't even make up a reason to keep going.

My brain is already telling me that even if my parents did something it wouldn't help. But I think if they were trying, it would do a lot because it would look like they're trying. I'm not asking for them to treat me like a child, but they offered small stuff to help and still haven't done it. Like putting paper on the fridge for a household grocery list or setting money aside for necessities. I always end up waiting patiently for months and gently reminding them, but after that, I end up doing it myself.

[b1b1b1]

If you are reasonably sure you don't have a medical problem, you need to see a psychiatrist. Talking to your friend and your parents and asking for help is a good thing, and it is always good to reach out, however, they cannot be a substitute for professional help. I think a psychiatrist would be able to help you with your anxiety.

[CroutonBehavior in reply to b1b1b1]

I feel like no one is understanding me. There's no point in going to a psychiatrist and feeling better if none of the people in my life actually care about me or know me. I don't love them, they don't love me and I don't like my life so I can't make myself find a psychiatrist and actually stick to it. My brain screams there's no point and reality just reinforces that.

[b1b1b1 in reply to CroutonBehavior]

Well, a psychiatrist can either 1) help change the way you perceive reality and 2) help you to change your life so that you are with people who do love you and are happier with your life. If you feel there is "no point" that is unfortunate. I think, however that you do feel there is a point, otherwise you would not have come to this site.

[CroutonBehavior in reply to b1b1b1]

Logically, I can see what you're saying and I can logically see reasons to see a psychiatrist but mentally I'm not able to utilize and operate from my logical brain all the time. Most of the time I use the mentally dysfunctional part and that part of my brain won't do anything unless I have a reason right now. Like I need to be "paid" upfront instead of doing all the work to get better and then finding a reason to live. I need a reason to live now or else everything involving life is too excruciating to do especially going outside and getting help.

[b1b1b1 in reply to CroutonBehavior]

Alright.

[Artistfriend]

Look for a therapist, someone who is trained can help you, maybe even bring it up to a doctor, they can recommend help. Theres plenty of info and videos online also

[CroutonBehavior in reply to Artistfriend]

Before professional help I have to feel like there's a reason to get better and right now there's not. The whole reason I left my therapist is because we were going around in circles. I would say that I have no motivation to do anything and she'd suggest breaking it up into smaller steps but eventually I gave up because people don't seem to understand what having absolutely no motivation feels like. At this point it isn't even a problem of motivation, I just physically and mentally can't function enough to move around and complete basic tasks much less calling my insurance company and continuing to get no where with them or any of the doctors they tried pointing me to.

[Starrlight]

Do you go to therapy?

[CroutonBehavior in reply to Starrlight]

No. The biggest issue is no one has been available and even if someone was, there's no way I can make myself go. My depression constantly tells me that no one loves me and there's no point and there's no one to get better for. People try to tell me otherwise but the people in my life do not care about me or act like they care about me so I have no leverage against my brain saying, "hey buddy, this is something you can live for and build off of" Therapy feels like a waste otherwise even though mentally, I know it's not. I don't have the will to do it, I don't want to go forward but I can't stop and I can't go back, I feel like no one is understanding that.

[Starrlight in reply to CroutonBehavior]

I hear you and I care.

❤️⭐️

[CroutonBehavior in reply to Starrlight]

I know you mean well but saying the same one-liner as everyone else on this planet no longer feels like a kind thing to me. You hear me but you don't understand me and you care but you don't know me so it's not the same thing as really caring like a neighbor or an acquaintance. You say you care but that wasn't for me, it was just something for you to say.

[Starrlight in reply to CroutonBehavior]

Ok then