Depression and apathy, caused by things that I know shouldn't make me feel this way

[sad_watermelon]

Hi, my story is probably a bit long and complicated and I'll try to give as much information as I can. On September 2022 I met a guy. We fell in love very fast and stared dating. It was our first relationship to both of us and it was very special. Everything was amazing and seemed like destiny. We were sure that we would spend the rest of our lives together. But after a year and a half, things started to change. On march (it was woman's day in my country) he got very mad at me, because he saw me in school with my best friend singing my favourite song in the empty classroom. He got mad and started calling me infantile, said that these are childish things (he's a year YOUNGER)... He has always been into reading classic books, studying geography and history, but I was always into the mystery and fantasy books and movies, interested in writing and theater and cinema, but those differences weren't a problem in the past. We were into a big fight, because he also said that if I don't change, he probably won't be able to be with me anymore. I tried to explain him that if he wants to change this part of me, he'll change my personality. We were fighting for 3 days and I was the only one who was actually trying to find compromises and save the relationship while he was ready to abandon it. I know that now it might seem like he's the biggest red flag, but believe me, he is so caring and loving, responsible and has always had good intentions. Anyways, we got into a compromise and continued the relationship. But after this, a lot happened in my mind. I started thinking of everything that had made us fight recently. One of the main reasons was his mom. He is only child, divorced parent, father alcoholic, they don't talk at all. His mom is the only alive relative that he talks to. They are really close to each other, but they're relationship often made me feel bad. For example, he always goes everywhere with her, even when she is out with friends he goes with her so she feels better. Or when we are together, he calls her every 2 hours or she calls him just to check what he's/she's doing. Things got worst when I made a comment about me and him living together one day and he said he wants us to live with his mom so she's not alone. This is just something that doesn't align with my idea of good relationships life for the future, so as always I tried to find a compromise and we agreed we're going to live next to her (of course all of these were long term goals, because he has one more year of highschool and I have university then he'll have university, but I'm the kind of person who wants everything to be planned). So one day I was travelling abroad and saw some cute couples and texted him "I can't wait for us to travel together like them" and he said "yeah, as I'm gonna leave mom alone. If we travel, she's coming with us". So I got upset, because I stared feeling like I'm living in this woman's shadow, which for our age was ok, but not for the future. Things like that stared to make me feel awful, like once he said he prefers to be home instead of being with me, because his mom is happier that way (he's 18 by the way). I would've understood this decision, but we hadn't seen eachother for a week and I had started to miss him a lot (also I was always the one to propose to hang out, not because he didn't want to, but because he probably didn't care if he'll be with me or his mom, all was good for him i guess). So after that day, I said again that this prioritising of the mother was good, but too much for me. And because after the summer (this happened in may) I will go abroad for university, I needed to know where this relationship was going. After having a big talk (on the phone, because he didn't want to leave his mom alone even for this serious talk) he said he was tired of being in a relationship. Which broke me, because all I was doing was to try to keep the relationship for both of us. But then I realised that it would be better for my future self, because we don't want the same thing in life and we agreed on good terms to be very close friends and love and care for eachother. He got over this in 5 days while it took me like at least 20 to stop crying every day. We were texting and seeing eachother during this period, but I don't have other friends, he's my biggest support and he was the only one who could help me get out of this bad condition. Somehow I did it with or without his help, I'm not really sure and things were going great when 2 weeks ago I found out that he is starting work everyday from 17 to 00 and from 12 to 22 on weekends. He's never free before 17 anyways so I realised we will barley see eachother. So now I am spending all days in bed, crying, having no energy, nothing exites me, only a big ball in my stomach every time he goes to work. I feel like I am not doing anything with my life, like I am useless and he's so helpful to his family and all I am just being lazy. But the truth is that I really want to start a job, but I can't because of me having to travel abroad a lot for university preparation and I would like to spend more time with my parents and grandparents and him before leaving. But now he's working, my parents too and my grandparents stay at home all day so I won't be doing much. I tried to do some activities to bring back some feelings into my life, but nothing works. All I do is being in bed and crying, wanting to do something good with my life and be happy, spend time with my only friend... I tried to explain him as he's the only one who understands me (my parents never understood these feelings), but he said that after the 3rd day he saw my condition wasn't getting better and he gave up trying to help. And no matter what I say and explain, he seems like he doesn't care much. Now I'm lost. This friendship is everything I have, I don't want to lose him and I need help. Please, if any of you know how I can get out of this condition, I would be very grateful. I want to have a nice summer and not spend it crying all day long. Thank you so much for reading this ❤️❤️❤️

[hypercat54]

He isn't a man but a boy still who hasn't cut the apron strings. Who knows if he ever will?

You need a man in your life who will love and care for you, not some mummy's boy who loves her and not you. Unless you want to spend your life in an eternal triangle.

Imagine if you ever did get together? It would be my mum cooks it this way, my mum dresses this way and so on. Could you stand that? As well as never being alone together. And god forbid if you had children - it would be a mother-in-law takeover.

Too many 🚩🚩🚩 . So if you still want him then let him grow up first then see. Go back in 5 years to give him time to do this.

Its always very painful when your first serious relationship ends so do whatever makes you feel better. You are allowed to mourn the loss but do not let it take over your whole life.

There are plenty more fish in the sea so work towards going out to find them in the future.

[sad_watermelon in reply to hypercat54]

I think I was able to understand all the things that would make me suffer in the future if I continue a relationship with him. But he's a nice person and I decided to keep him as a friend, because no one has ever understood me better than him (he's not the best in understanding though, that's the irony 😂). But when now he's working and I feel so lost. This might sound childish, I understand it, but I feel alone and I feel like he gave up on me and it hurts so bad that I can't find anything that brings me joy anymore. It's like I am obsessed by the thoughts of seeing him or starting work so I can make time pass faster and try to forget about him being busy. It's like I am ready to give up of my last summer as a careless young girl just so I can compensate the feeling of missing our time together and the fact that he has an "entertainment" that if I had too, it would have helped me to make a step out of this apathy.

Also thank you so much for replying! It means a lot for me that someone took the time to read what I wrote and to actually respond. Thank you 🩷

[MadBunny]

I would echo the advice given by Hypercat. You sound like an independent minded young woman.You will be going to university soon. A whole new life for you - think of all the opportunities opening up to you. This is the beginning of a new chapter in your life- ' carpe diem ' . Wishing you all the best in your journey.

[sad_watermelon in reply to MadBunny]

Thank you so much, you are so kind 🥹🩷

[secrets22]

I honestly cant see much future in this plus of course you both are very young, far too young to be in a committed relationship to my way of thinking.