I woke up at 8pm for no reason. As im broke i didn't have anything in the fridge. Till i proceed, it was like 9pm and everything was closed. Missed talking with my unimate and getting materials about my final exam. She's not sending anything now. I explained to her im not okay and i will do my part but she sent nothing. I had to shop (without any money), cook, dry my clothes that are still in the laundry machine (i don't have space, nor a balcony, neither space in my bedroom), study. It's 1am now and i found a 24/7 supermarket on Google maps and went. All day alone. Some guy messaged me. He was from my city and is my age. He said i looked cool and asked if i wanted to chat. I had no people to talk to so i said awkward ok because i thought i would get a friend in my city. But then he said that he's never returning to that city (he's staying in the city where my ex is) and that i should neither. I left and just went to buy food thinking about that. Then i saw a drunk old man in the 24/7 shop. I thought what if he was right and i shouldn't return? What if mom's drunk? What if sis doesn't want me home because she wants to bring her boyfriend even though she's younger than me? What these two are doing is not right but they sure would be mad at me if i sabotage it for selfish reasons such as needing food, water and human interaction even if it's deranging me, stripping me out of my human image and making me want to live no more because i "don't deserve to eat the food she pays for or fill the bathroom". This is really deranging. Then i thought god, I can't live here, im going into insanity. I see no light and i don't hear my own voice. I'm deranged here too. I'm a prisoner in a tiny ceiling room surrounded by my trash, water bottles, meds and laundry. Maybe i should return but one more day to stay here? Idk. God idkπ. He reminds me of another guy that was messaging me last summer. They both live just okay on their own. Why am i different? Why can't i do it like them? Why people my age manage themselves and i can't? They're intensetive to me, i can feel it. They don't have psychological education so i can't blame them. Girls are making me feel worse because they just ignore me. Or say they're living with boyfriends. I watched some reels, probably "too much" and I started worrying over why boys live just fine and i can't and why other girls my age live with boyfriends. I thought "are girls useless" or "did society screw us? Did we screw us?" . Almost fainted in the store. I made circles forgetting what i have to buy. I worried the shopping guy would think im trying to steal but im incapable of even stealing. When im being incapable and worthless and dumb, i want it to be seen as my own fault, not that all girls are bad thieves for example. I'm just "a mental patient out of hospital" like my therapist (now my ex-therapist if i go home and find therapy there...if i can pay) and a bus lady called me. Maybe i really am but i got that trauma that's making me unable to take care of myself when i was in hospital. Hospitals here are horror movies. And she's not even a clinician. If i enter a mental hospital, or any hospital, it would be One fly over a coocoo nest.y soul would be abominated...in the best scenario. In the most realistic scenario it would be new trauma and salt to my other hospital traumas. I have a lot of hospital traumas. And i get physically sick too. The hygiene is bad. Also i somatise. I got drifted away, it's 1am and i haven't eaten. Writing feels a glimpse of comfort to my screaming soul. I feel like my soul is being peeled off skin and nails. I feel like my soul is being boiled alive and both staying in the pot and getting out of the pot are bad decisions i get blamed for. "Why are you suffering? How dare you suffer". The boiling frogs effect. "Why do you stay with mom if she's an alcoholic abusing you? You're old". Is 23 so old? I had no childhood, i no highschool life, i had no university life. Everyone's telling me that. What's so wrong with me? I can't adult. I suffer regression. It sounds like having no safe home is my fault. "Your mom abuses you? Why don't you move out?" I tried. Why do i keep failing?! It's the damn communist style hospital i was in. And im scared mom might kick me or remain me im "old". I can't. I just can't. 23 isn't that much. Please i feel like every bone in my body is being broken and yhat people are telling me it's my fault for having my bones broken and telling me to "just walk away" with broken bones. How should i walk with broken bones? My degree is no bridge but a stone on my neck, weighting me down. Like the stones they tie on people to make them drown faster. I'm drowning. Im coughing water but saving me is too hard, instead they just tell me "swim! You're old enough so just swim". How could i swim? I'm trying my hardest. But the truth is that im screaming for help for 4 years or more. And im just getting more and more burnt out and...old. When my tears dry and im too numb to cry, i would be just a corpse that couldn't die. How should i live? When im not alive? I died in that hospital one year ago. I died in the hospital at 6. I'm in hell. Why is my body rotting out there? Where's my resting in peace? I'm not alive. Living people feel other emotions than perpetual agony. "You don't even have a reason to feel this way - you don't go to work" - my parents would say. What's wrong with me? Am i really that dumb, lazy and useless? Am i an useless female? Because i don't feel like one. I have this agender feeling. I'm No longer human like Osamu Dazai would write. I'm a walking corpse, stripped off my human dignity. I don't even want to eat but my acids and low blood make me. Food seems disgusting and tasteless and im scared of vomiting like i was vomiting in these hospitals. Don't point out they broke me. I know what broke me. I know that im broken. It's all therapists do - point out where you're broken. And you just grieve yourself like you grieve someone who has been shot or stabbed. I have education, ms therapist, i know damn well i have been shot and stabbed 39 times in the guts, stomach, heart and back. Tell me how to finally heal. You're losing this patient. I can hear the flat line. You are losing me. Soon i will be just a warm fresh corpse that you refuse to bury to get money from or that you dumped to another doctor or just put of the ambulance. You dumped me out of the ambulance and didn't care about the cars hitting me... I still have an exam and laundry and to eat. I don't want to. And when to go home?
Why can't i adult? I'm feeling so mis... - Anxiety and Depre...
Why can't i adult? I'm feeling so miserable. TW just in case
What sort of help do you think you need if not medical?
I need all kinds of help, mostly emotional and psychological. I do neeed medical help but not in a place that looks like a horror movie and gives me various infections, leaving me traumatized. Happened when i was a baby, happened as a kid, happened twice last year. And these illnesses leave me traumatised for real. I have heard of people here who have been traumatised just from staying at hospital
I believe you are seeing a therapist? And if all the hospitals are as you describe what other choice is there?
As i wrote i was when possible but they're not helping. And don't make me feel hopeless. I also wanted to go to the hospital but i will get worse there
So what do you think is the answer then?
Are you taking any meds?
I am
I care.
Thank you π₯Ή
You are so welcome. I truly wish there was something I could do to help you.
I'm really sorry for what you've been through. I know your pain. I was raised in an abusive home and it led me to depression. I was in depression for many years and I attempted suicide several times. I dropped out of college and abandoned my dreams. For many years I felt useless and hopeless. But I got out of depression and I went back to school to finish my studies. I still live with my abusive family but I'm planning to move out once I find a job. You are still young and have a long life ahead of you. You will get a nice job and move out of your home. I'm 30 years old and I've never had a job but I don't let that bring me down. I'm working hard to find a nice job and leave this home. You matter and you deserve to be happy. You are worth it and you should know that. I truly wish you all the love and happiness in the world. You deserve it. ππππππππ
Thank you so much. Needed to hear others are like that. I just don't know if i can make it alone, even if i have a job
You will make it alone. There are some people like us who have no one but ourselves. We have to depend on ourselves and we will make it even if we travel this life alone. You will make it alone. Do you know why? Because YOU ARE ENOUGH. Sending lots of hugs and love your wayπππππππ
do the medication you are prescribed help you when you take them ?
My benzo helps for some time when i take it. The rest are just keeping me from vomiting at any stress
Wow! You are going through so much at one time π How can we support you?
Thank you for understanding. I really need emotional support
I understand. You seem like such a strong woman - you are going through such a tough time, but you always come here and bare your soul to complete strangers - that takes courage. I can tell you are searching for ways to make your life better and I want to support and encourage you. You are young and have so much life ahead, things will not always be like this, try to stay positive (even a little bit) and realize you will get through this messy time, step by step. You got this! β€οΈ
Thank you, you're so sweet! I really needed to hear this because i felt so weak and lost and cursed with only bad things happening.
I meant every word I said. Try to think of all the things you've accomplished! This is a tough time for you right now, but you are a tough πͺ woman!
So many people here want to support and encourage you. Your value shows through all your troubles. I hope eventually youβll be able to feel it.
Thank you so much πΉ
Wow. I am so sorry for all you are going through. I simply want you to know you matter and all of your feelings are valid.
on.soundcloud.com/WtAV7BkCY...
Thank you. I don't have SoundCloud. Can you telll me the song
I don't think you have to have it to listen.
I can't open
Sorry but you're never alone.
Hi there. There are many people here that care about what you are going through and are willing to help you in any way they can, me included. I also had a mother who was an alcoholic that verbally emotionally and psychologically abused me as a teenager over and over again and my father did nothing to stop her wrath as I was her target. Maybe you should try writing a letter to your mother like I did because it did help me somewhat to start healing from this trauma. I wrote a letter about what she did to me, how it made me feel and then I forgave her not for her but for my own healing. Try journaling it helps a lot. It gets all these feelings out specially when you're feeling so much as you are right now. You are only 23 years old and have your whole entire life ahead of you you are enough, you are worthy and you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God above and he makes no mistakes please remember that okay. I hope that you are feeling a little bit better today. Please write back as I want to know how your doing. Wishing you peace and well-being.
Thank you. Needing to know someone cares is what matters. Today im crying myself out - my ex which i still love is moving to Canada and i have an exam tomorrow. How could his company bankrupt now? He said if i reached out sooner, it would be different but we had broken up, and that he "already moved on" and makes it feel like it's my fault and my country's fault that they don't offer enough jobs and let him do drvgs. This guilt. I wrote my death sentence. Why is it happening? And my sister doesn't want me home? I need people around for support and safety, food and water and meds
It seems your boyfriend is trying to make you feel bad when it was his choice to move. His and his alone, not yours. Why doesn't your sister not want you home? That isn't her call, it's your parents call as it's their house right? Try and relax and do well on your exam tomorrow. Make sure you get enough sleep tonight so your fresh to take your test tomorrow ok. Try and have a good night.
So sorry that you are suffering so much. I don't know what kind of affordable, government, or other type of support housing they may have in your country. Perhaps, you could get a case manager to find out what type of programs the government may have --Like I wrote, I have no idea if any such programs exist. In the USA, there are programs for people with disabilities under 65 who can get Social Security Disability. It's not that much, but it would give you enough to apply for suportative affordable housing, for food, etc. Perhaps, your doctor, or some agency in your country has these service. Just suggestions.
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