Why does depression make me think this way?

[Claudiag]

So I've been dealing with anxiety and epression for a while now and I'm learning to deal with my anxiety first but my depression thoguhts scare me sometimes and that feed off into my anxiety so it's basically a never ending cycle. My thoughts are now consisting of that one day I'm gonna kill my self. Let me reassure you that I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF AT ALL. But my thoguhts make think that I'll never get through this and that one day it's gonna be too unbearable and I won't be able to handle it. Is it normal to think this way? Everytime I try to think "no I won't because I know I'll make it out alive" my brain argues back think that "no you won't you're gonna kill yourself" basically intrusive thoughts I guess. Let me rephrase again I do not ever want to kill myself!! I want to live!! Even if it means living with this for the rest of my life. I would rather live a life than not live somewhat of a life. Even if it were to be as shitty as a life like this. Also whenever I feel relaxed or okay my brain thinks "are you really relaxed? Don't relax when you're actually never gonna feel that good forever you're always gonna be depressed". It feels weird to feel okay since I'm used to being depressed and anxious everyday.

[Blabla4joy]

I've been depressed for a while too. Just found out and accepted that's what it is after test that finally proved to me that all these medical issues I thought I had was all due to depression and anxiety. They first said menopause but I kept going to doc for different things I thought maybe MS or something else. After Memory testing and brain scans and blood work and a number of other testing a Neurophsycologist diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder with features of anxiety. I made some mistakes at work that cost me my position and decided I had to find out what's wrong with my memory.

Talk about relaxing. I have had spasms, cramps and weakness in my arms legs and back and chest at times. I have noticed tension all over my body that makes it impossible to relax. It's continually getting worse. It wears me out. I wake up fatigued and exhausted as if my body has been in a knot all night like gripping your fist. I clench teeth all the time. Wake up as tired as if I work 24 hrs with no break. I know what you mean by not knowing what will happen next. Scared.

[Claudiag in reply to Blabla4joy]

Ugh depression is so evil. I understand your symptoms. I have had the worst headaches, chest pain, acid reflux, and so many others due to anxiety and depression. I'm now diagnosed with GERD so that's even worse. I'm sorry about losing your job. It will get better and that's a 100%.

I fee you on the relaxing part. Even when I'm relaxed I still get cramps, racing thoughts, and numbness all over my body. It's all kinda still brand new to me so it tends to trigger my anxiety attacks so it's a cycle again. I know one day we'll be okay.

[Palmer2475]

I have the same thoughts. I'd never hurt myself as I'd never put that kind of pain on my mum or anyone I love and I want to live so bad that's why I find myself feeling so sad however I do think one day this will just get unbearable . I have thoughts like that too but maybe therapy or someone maybe able to help you with those thoughts

[Claudiag in reply to Palmer2475]

It terrifies but brings me relief knowing that others go through this. I wish nobody went through this but sadly it's a reality. My mom is the first person I think about. I'm actually broke at the moment so I don't have any money for therapy but whats helped me recently has been to just letting the thoughts come and go. Not giving them any meaning or importance helps. It's so hard sometimes to do this since my brain overthinks every negative thoguhts and that triggers me depression and anxiety. So I'm practicing to be mindful and to let the thoughts flow and surface as they please. I hope you get through this and I you want someone to talk to I'm here.

[Palmer2475]

Since I got this app I feel a little less strange and less alone, I can talk openly without feeling like a fool as many people are relating in one way or another. Horrible circumstances but this app is fab. My mum this the first person I talk too aswell. That's totally the right thing to do. Let it flow the thoughts are going to happen for now but let them pass then carry on. Remember everyday is a new day and just take the day as it comes. Also don't be hard on yourself. I find things easier since I stopped beating myself up about how I feel !

[Claudiag in reply to Palmer2475]

Same this app and many other forums help me so much. Sometimes I like to look up recovery stories which help me believe again. I just wish I could trust myself. Everytime I feel terrible I go on websites like this to re-read things. I wish I could believe myself and to stop having to depend on forums. I love forums and appreciate them but having to consistentaly use it for reassurance is a hassle. Oh and my mother is basically my best friend but she doesn't fully understand because she's never gone through something like this. So she just tells me mediocre stuff and I have to sometimes just act like it's nothing. Anyways well yeah I'm totally gonna stop beating myself up about it because I'm reality it's not anyone's fault. It's not like I wished depression upon me. It just came. Thank you btw for responding.

[Palmer2475]

This is the first time I've reached out to an app I've read other forums but never actually commented or wrote anything myself. I've never looked up recovery stories. Maybe they'd give me a boost to read a few. It's constantly hard to trust yourself when yourself is playing mind games with you so totally get that. My mum is my best friend too. Also like my safe person if I go out or anything if I'm with her I can be honest if things get too much etc. It's not anyone's fault at all especially not yours. Only we can help ourselves in the long term but on good days I like to have hope we can all recover!

[Claudiag in reply to Palmer2475]

I welcome you then and I'm glad you're finally reaching out to others. I gurantee recovery stories will shine a light of hope because once we truly believe that recovery is possible then we will have a little weight taken off our shoulders. Also same my mom doesn't judge me no matter what I say I'm just upset whenever I do tell her my thoughts she gets a little worried about me. Maybe a little scared and I don't want to cause her any worry. We're strong and we can do this. It's hard for the human mind to deal with emotional stress this bad but we can get through it. I'm just worried I'll never see the world the same or through the rose colored glasses. Wish I could just be ignorant and happy sometimes but that's not me and I somewhat appreciate the awareness. We will get through these dark times with more strength. We will be able to handle situations better. That's one thing I can appreciate from all this.

[bamagirl0994]

I lay at home every night thinking the same thing only I tell myself it would be best for everyone they may hurt at first or pretend to but would move on in a short time. I can't find a reason to keep living I don't have a life anymore and I'm so tired of being compared to my sister. I'm an embarrassment to my daughter my parents my sister everyone I can not remember the last time I actually felt alive happy and just smiling. At least 10 years or more who wants to keep living like this .