So Grateful You Are Here

[NadineCT]

Hi, I'm 68, single, retired and the mother of adult twins and one teenage grandson who I am raising. I had a good day yesterday and today I did not want to get out of bed and have been feeling "off" all day. I have been working on a reunion that I am helping to put together and as the day is going on I am feeling worse and worse. I am losing my appetite and my body feels cold. This is all due to my depression wanting to take over. I am tired of working inside and outside of the house. When I'm in a better place, that brings me serenity and pleasure. I don't feel like being bothered with a teenage boy today with an attitude when I ask for him to do chores, etc. It's nothing that is not normal. I mean it's the rolling of the eyes, etc. His mother, my daughter is bi-polar and alcoholic and his father is deceased. My grandson has attempted suicide twice but that was 2 years ago. I stopped working when he attempted to take his life and being home alone, I've been in bad company. I have been in the Alanon program since I was 28 and have been in counseling for most of my adult life. I was raised with alcoholism. I'm the oldest of 8 with 7 younger brothers. I was parentified and my mother depended on me for far too much and so have my brothers. I lost 2 brothers in 2 car accidents 17 months apart years ago. The father of my twins died from alcoholism when they were babies and of course I worked in the field of child protective services until I retired after 31 years. My depression worsened after being home and not being distracted by work. I don't want to sound like I am full of self pity today. I am just reporting the facts because I tend to deny some of the trauma I have faced over the years. I remember laughing recently when a professional told me that I was diagnosed with PTSD. You see I can't "die, get sick or go crazy", according to me, which IS crazy. I am typing this and thinking, "you need to go outside and do some yard work", which I do like. It should help with the desire to isolate and the chaos in my head right now. When I get depressed I can't seem to make a decision because I don't trust myself to do "what's right" and I can drive myself crazy with my perfectionism, which I can never attain. I do go to Alanon for support and Overeaters Anonymous and Depressed Anonymous on zoom. Every day I push through the desire to stay isolated and it takes alot of my energy to take care of myself by doing something good for me. So I am grateful that I did get up and put clothes on, kinda combed my hair, did some work on the commitment I've made to the reunion, I did journal and I found this site. I am going to go outside to do some yard work and today again I won't eat sugar and flour which only makes my depression worse. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here and having the courage to do something good for yourself as well. By you being here helps me. Thank you again. I need you.

[The_Butterfly]

you ROCK! Thank YOU for being here and sharing your story. I’m so glad you were able to get out of bed. By the end of your post I was thinking, man, you sure did a lot for someone who doesn’t feel like doing anything at all. lol.

Also, If I had to plan a reunion, I’d be …. Exhausted.

I planned part of a wedding once and it was just nerve-wracking. So many steps. So many considerations. It’s not easy. It’s like a Rubik’s cube, but with people and cake. 🤣 Simply put, please be kind to yourself. You’re doing more than you realize.

[Williams3lw]

You are a big confidence boost. You make this platform worth expressing myself. Thank you. I just starry my roller coaster a few years back because I was scared and didn't know how to as for help. My family pushed me to do it. I feel I need it. Therapy meds and other people like us. I'm here I love my virtual family. I need you too.

[Starrlight]

I’m not in a good place, very “ off” myself today to say the least but I saw your story and wanted you to know I hear you and am wishing you well.

[blackcat64013]

Hi,Thank you for an awesome post 😊

Hearing from people with lived experiences seems make more sense of what it means to live with a condition(s) and situations.

Finding the time for others when we feel low ourself is truly awesome.

I hope you can finish the day on a positive note, no matter how small. It's there if we look for it.

🐈‍⬛ 💜

[catsrock]

I know your post is from yesterday, but I think you did a lot, especially considering you were having a bad depression day. I'm impressed! Thank you for sharing your story.