recurring depression

i am a 61 -year-old wife mother and grandmother on the outside I have a perfect life however I suffer from the disease called depression and lately it's been recurring more often than not I have been on medication for 20 years I have attempted suicide twice I see a therapist every week right now I'm in the middle of a big depression bad episode I cannot get out of bed I don't know what to do right now

[Hidden]

Hi nice to meet you. I am always immediately suspicious when someone states they have a 'perfect life' coz I don't believe anyone has. You may have all you think you need but do you really?

The other thing I am thinking is often people say that when they are suffering from Childhood Emotional Neglect. I may be way off beam here but google it and see what you think.

Try and at least get out of bed even if you don't manage to get out of the bedroom. Get up and sit in a chair. Then you will have done something positive even a very small thing. Make sure you praise yourself when you do. Then once you can do this try going into the lounge even if you have to run out again. Do it in small slow stages and it will help your depression to lift a little.

You have to take some control over the depression. If you let it rule you completely then it will take longer for you to recover. Don't forget that with depression there is no motivation. First you have to do something then the motivation comes.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

thank you for responding., by "perfect life" i meant for someone looking in it would seem, i am married to the same man for 40 years, i have two healthy grown children both of whom are married to nice spouses, they each have two beautiful children, my 91 year old mother is still alive and healthy and we are a close family. But i have been cursed with serious depression. I count my blessings each and every day, but depression has nothing to do with having it all or not. i was asking for advise from others who suffer from this monster that dominates your brain, takes my breath away, leaves me unable to function, to feel anything but deep deep depression. i lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, nothing, i did get up to eat something as that is a problem, i have no appetite, i dont see the ending of this and feel my life will contain repeated bouts of depression forever leaving me desperate

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

And advice is what I gave you, sorry if you feel it didn't help I have nothing to add to what I said. I wish you all the best.

[deborah27]

hi, something is clearly not 'perfect'. Meds for 20 years would have made you 41. recently things more acute. mmm, clues are always there but not always obvious. You will know that clinical depression is so very different to feeling a bit low, more to do with chemicals and how your brain interprets many things. I'm sure you have been through a million things with your therapist, has there been a time when something has been 'spot on', something that has made total sense to you about your experience of depression?

[Hidden]

thanks deborah, yes i was in my early 40's when i had my first episode of major depression. we had been away on a vacation out of the country, when i came back i was having terrible insomnia, my head was spinning and i didnt sleep for several days, i finally couldnt take it so i swallowed a handful of tylenol pm. that led me to ky first hospitalization, where i met my dr who is still my doctor to this day. he started me on 20 mg prozac, i responded very well. years later another episode, this time i took ativan, i just wanted the pain to stop. Hospitalized again, now he added Effexor and i was better for years. i had like 10 years of feeling normal. currently on 40mg prozac, 300mg effexor, 10mg temazapan to sleep. just this year i went to a "functional medicine" dr. had complete blood workup. She has me taking 10000 vitamin D, Fish Oil, multi vitamin for women my age, probiotic for bad stomach aches, and tumeric for inflamation. I havent been so good taking all that. I've also cut out all dairy. This recent episode happened after a short vacation to visit my sister in nyc. when i came home, i fell into this latest depression. I've started taking Yoga and i completed an 8 week course on mindfullness meditation for stress reduction, which i love. so i have all the tools in place, its a chemical offset in my brain that does this to me. i am afraid i have to live with it for ever. i do get suicidal thoughts each time

[deborah27]

hi, good to hear from you. you are certainly working hard to help yourself, so good and positive. just remember, only thoughts and alone they can't harm us. use the forum to keep in touch, it is amazing and can bring comfort when we need it most. x

[deborah27 in reply to deborah27]

just noticed a connection with 'vacation' or am I completely wrong?

[Hidden in reply to deborah27]

no you are right, it is a wierd phenominom, we cannot figure it out except maybe i get sad to be home, or maybe the plane ride messes up my head? no idea

[deborah27 in reply to Hidden]

isn't it strange, maybe not the trigger at all. if you get away again maybe be more aware and be pro-active in prep for coming home, have some comforting things waiting for you or make somewhere at home your 'special' place, a safe little sanctuary with all your bits'n'pieces that you love, a scent that you like, your favourite book etc... welcome yourself home. isn't the mind a fascinating thing! maybe we should play it at it's own game! lol. hope you are well, good to hear from you, forum is so good. x

[Hidden in reply to deborah27]

thank you deborah, you seem like a kind sole!!

[Karmakat]

I tried to submit a very long reply to help you and it will not go through, i spent almost half hour on my reply, so this is a test to see if this one goes through....and then i will try again....sorry

[Karmakat]

Ok, so that one went through, but my very long detailed one would not Nd i have no time to rewrite it all....i will just say this....caution on fish oil, it made me worse depressed....natural things are good but can sometimes put things out of balance that were already out of balance to start with....please google this and research it for yourself...vitamin d is good and i have not heard of it making anyone worse depressed, but research it also, many times naturopaths will prescribe things thinking we are all cookie cutter, because fish oil is good for most depressed does not mean all...i have discovered in my 20 plus years of severe depression you have to help yourself many times through your own researxh and trial aNd error...

Also, try not to be too hard on yourself on really bad days, they usually pass ...so since even eating or getting up is a huge task, try read, meditate, watch tv, sleep, go for easy walk, it is easy to say do this and this when you do not understand true depresion, so do what feels good for you...i hope your feeling better, i feel very bad for you...i live horrible days too...many of them but they always pass ......

God Bless